It’s a tale as old as time. You meet a new friend, start chatting, and things are going well. And then, they drop the bomb on you: they’re not really into books. Devastating, right? Lucky for them, you’re such a good person that you’re willing to lower your intellectual standards and stay their friend. It’s only fair that in exchange you offer them the public service of constantly projecting bookish knowledge into every aspect of their life. After all, you barely understand how they’ve managed to exist without it.
Do you have some non-reader friends in your life? We have compiled the ultimate guide for annoying your literarily challenged friends with bookish trivia. Who needs peace and quiet? Invade their space!
That Doesn’t Happen in the Book
Let’s face it. Almost everything on the screen these days is adapted from a book. And your dear friend somehow finds it perfectly acceptable to watch adaptations without reading the original book(s)? Insane! Don’t worry: we’ll fix this error right now.
The solution for this is simple. Whenever you see something on the screen that differentiates from the novel, interject to let them know what they’re missing out on. Bonus points if you pause to monologue about how world-shattering the glaring difference is. This is guaranteed to double the watch time of any show!
Remember, no detail is too small to halt their viewing experience. Does the character have green eyes in the book but blue eyes on the screen? Heresy! Did they age up the characters? Completely unacceptable! Did they deign to write a scene completely original to the adaptation? They should really bring back public shaming. Let’s put these screenwriters in the stocks and throw tomatoes at them!
Here are a few key phrases to help interrupt your next watch party:
In the book…
What actually happens is…
You’ll want to know this…
RPGs Are Really Just Choose Your Own Adventure Books
Did your friend catch onto your first scheme? No need to fret! There are still plenty of other aspects of their life that you can mercilessly annoy. The next logical area is video games. The next time your friend invites you over to play the new big role-playing video game, accept. Wait until they’ve settled in, and then sigh. Sigh as if you have the full devastation of the world resting on your shoulders. Then, say this:
You know, RPG games are really just ripoffs of the Choose Your Own Adventure book series.
If they try to ignore the bait, hold fast! Launch into a tirade of the simplicity of pre-internet life. Slyly pull out your phone, look up the Choose Your Own Adventure company website, and read the About page verbatim. (If you end up needing to tie them to their chair with computer cords, that’s your prerogative. Bookstr is not liable for any questionable crimes you may commit to fulfill this guide.)
Close your speech by suggesting they turn off the game and head to the library for some real fun. What’s so great about some video game anyway? Books are always better. Warning: they may try to argue about the artistry of graphic design and video game animation. If they do, accuse them of having a screen addiction. You go, chaos queen!
Shakespeare Said That First
By this point, your friendship is skating on thin ice. You’re on a text-only basis now due to your previous antics. Fortunately, there is still room to pester your friend! You have one last, supremely annoying ace in the hole: William Shakespeare.
At the mere mention of his name, rubes are bound to roll their eyes in harmony. But they are not prepared for what you have in mind here. This over-achieving playwright invented over 1,700 new words for the English language. Imagine the possibilities!
Any time your friend texts you a word coined by the Bard, inform them of its true origin. It’s only right that they know, of course. Here’s an example:
You: Hey, what are you up to today?
Friend: Oh, you know, just cleaning my bedroom.
You: Did you know that bedroom was a word invented by William Shakespeare? It first appeared in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act 2, Scene 2. Isn’t that crazy?
With hundreds of words to choose from, your capacity to irritate knows no bounds. To get you started, here’s a list of the most commonly used words. Go forth, soldier!
Following this guide will surely grant you a restraining order any day now. It’s honestly a relief. Making friends with different interests is exhausting and overrated. Plus, getting mail is always fun! And now you have a new secret fact about yourself to tell during icebreaker games at work. We love a win-win! Now, go share your bookish trivia with some people who will really appreciate it. We know you’re dying to do so.
Need book suggestions to harass your non-reader friends with? We have a list for you here.
Visit our Bookstr Recommendations bookshelf on Bookshop.org to arm you with more bookish knowledge to inflict on your victims — er, friends.
