Let’s face it, book bans have become an undeniable trend. Each year, we are breaking the previous record for the amount of book bans. I mean seriously, we are setting high standards — and we are just getting started. So, let’s do our duty as American citizens and keep this book-ban trend going strong! .
Cookbooks
I mean really… Do you require a book to know how to cook properly? Let’s get this straight. If you feel that it’s necessary to buy a cookbook, then you are actively exercising weaponized incompetence. We can’t have all of society being imbeciles in the kitchen. So, we must fix this as soon as possible and just ban all cookbooks! I’m going to hold your hand when I say this: If you don’t know how to cook rice, I’m going to have to ban you as well.
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
This is a pretty common book for high school required reading. However, it shouldn’t be common at all. I was a junior in high school when Mr. Smalls told us it was time to read this bad boy. I had a positive attitude at first, but I lost it fairly quickly. I sobbed in the back of my English class when we finished the book. Unacceptable. I wasn’t even the only one — three other students cried with me. Again, unacceptable. This book causes severe and uncontrollable emotional outbursts. We cannot have students disrupting classes in this manner, so banning this book is the only option.
The Cat In The Hat by Dr. Seuss
There are way too many things wrong with this book. And to make it all worse, it’s considered a “classic children’s book”. The mother in this book leaves her young children home all alone, like that’s not concerning… And then they let some unhinged cat stroll right into the house. Did their mother never teach them about stranger danger? Then the kids let this deranged cat destroy their entire house. This book will influence children to trust strangers and be careless with their chores. It’s time we ban this sorry “classic” and replace it with something better. For the children.
Books Adapted Into Movies/TV Shows
Once a movie or a TV show based on a book is released, what is the point of the book? You don’t need to read the book anymore. Just watch the movie or the TV show, duh! It takes way less effort and time. Plus, the movies and TV shows are always better than the books. Everyone knows that The Hunger Games movies were so much better. And the Outlander TV series completely outdid the books. Movies and TV shows are consistently superior to the books they’re based on. So let’s ban them for good.
The Layover by Lacie Waldon
If you’re looking for a slow-burn enemies-to-lovers romance book, then run in the opposite direction. This book just does not deliver. Ava Greene is a flight attendant who is engaged to some rich guy, but she falls for her co-worker within the first page of the book. And the enemies-to-lovers trope doesn’t even exist anywhere in these chapters! There isn’t any flirty bickering. Such a rip-off. Get this book off bookstore shelves immediately. Romances should be enemies-to-lovers ONLY, and if I personally don’t like the book then what’s the point of selling it to others?
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
This so-called book is categorized as “science fiction”. That’s already enough of an explanation as to why we must ban it. However, if I must explain further… Who still reads science fiction anyway? Sounds like a great way to get readers to fall asleep. Advanced readers have moved on from this monstrosity of a genre, and you should too. Let’s push the book industry to move on to better things — getting rid of this book to set an example.
Self-Help Books
These books are a load of bologna! I mean, can you just imagine walking into a bookstore and wasting your money on a self-help workbook? I sure can’t. My ex-boyfriend had Steven Carter and Julia Sokol’s Getting to Commitment: Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection (And Finding The Courage to Love) on his bookshelf. Yet, he still cheated on me 8 times. I mean, maybe I should’ve taken that as a red flag, but I thought the book would change him for the better. I’ve deduced that the root of this issue stems from self-help books being completely ineffective, so let’s do away with them!
Any Book that BookTok Recommends
It’s not like anything good comes out of these recommendations. In fact, I think you’d get better book recommendations from the psychic on the street corner for $5. Plus, why would you want to blindly follow these book trends anyway? Be different. Be original. It’s not like these books are getting all the hype because they’re actually good. No one even reads them. While we’re banning BookTok recommendations, we might as well ban BookTok as well. And probably TikTok. And maybe people who recommend books? They’re the worst.
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
This book has no plot at all. The pages might as well be blank! How can Taylor Jenkins Reid call herself an author when this eyesore of a book is what she puts out? I couldn’t even give you a summary if I tried. That’s how much it’s lacking detail. I haven’t read it though, all I know is that this book “tries” to take you through a Hollywood actress’ tumultuous love story throughout the decades. But don’t worry, we’re getting rid of it so no one else wastes their time on this book.
Every Single Agatha Christie Book
The fact that we have these books lurking on bookshelves in bookstores just sends chills up my spine. Murder on the Orient Express, Death on the Nile, and The ABC Murders? Lame! I thought I was supposed to be on the edge of my seat while reading Agatha Christie’s books. News flash… I wasn’t anywhere near the edge of my seat! I read The ABC Murders when I was 13 and I definitely wasn’t so scared at night so I had to sleep with the lights on for several weeks. Plus, it’s not like Agatha Christie is that famous anyway? Why are we stocking some random indie author’s novels? Banned.
Oxford English Dictionary
And last, but certainly not least… the one and only Oxford English Dictionary. Listen, this book feels exactly like the person who went to a prestigious school and tries to fit it into every single conversation they have. “Oh yeah, I went to a little school in England called the University of Oxford. You’ve probably never heard of it.” There are other dictionaries — like The Merriam-Webster Dictionary! See how this dictionary doesn’t flex its status? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary walked so the Oxford English Dictionary could run. It just seems unfair and it’s time to change that. Bye-bye, pretentious Oxford English Dictionary! Who even needs that many words?
If we want to protect society, our community, our children, then we must act now before it is simply too late. These 11 books are the bane of our existence and I’m not okay with this going any further. I refuse to allow these books to continue living peacefully on bookshelves. No way, not on my watch! I am standing up for humanity and you should too. I am begging you to raise your voices with me. We must work together to ban these books as soon as possible. We ride at dawn.
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Find both these books and books that are actually banned on Bookshop.org.
