What to do? What to do! Too many of these sinister books occupy our library shelves. It’s time they are dealt with to the fullest extent. For the kids’ sake, of course! These bans serve to ensure the community of concerned parents that our children aren’t being exploited, groomed, and indoctrinated with “woke” rhetoric and lies, such as bad-faith history based on indisputable facts about what this country has done to other people.
Never mind those pesky images and first-hand accounts. Never mind differing views and experiences others may hold and have due to less than fair treatment. We must shield the children! We don’t want books that teach our kids about this wicked agenda hiding in plain sight. The one that teaches empathy and understanding of others. And for crying out loud, plain old English, math, history, geography, and that ungodly science.
These sinister ideas are everywhere we look. In children’s books about unicorns and mice or written by authors with last names that should be forbidden to say, yet ironically can be named in a bill a certain state has implemented! These ideas are baked into the words, like a code that only those with the third eye for truth can see. We at Bookstr are among those truth-seekers and righteous truth-tellers. And so, we’ve compiled our list of books that certainly should be banished for good to ensure the purity of literature, life, and liberty that we once held dear.
All Romance Books With HEAs and Love Interests That Care
I mean, come on, why on earth are we publishing books that talk about men who pay attention to women’s needs and equal partnership? I, for one, am against the idea. Women have their place in society. It’s to be subservient to men, meet their needs, procreate, and be happy with their lot in life. It’s incomprehensible that these women make the decisions they do.
Real women don’t know what to do in a crisis or how to come to a rational decision, let alone what they want out of life. Men should be represented, as they are rightfully dominant, decision-making breadwinners whose role is to protect the weaker sex. Books that go against that mentality and focus on the pleasure and equality of the couple as a whole completely disregard the natural order of things.
Kristi Eskew, Editorial
Moby Dick by Herman Melville
This book is clearly all about animal cruelty. I don’t see why we haven’t banned it yet. They spend an entire book trying to kill a whale; it’s the 21st century and it is animal cruelty. It doesn’t teach you any of those morals that touch on lessons like karma, self-obsession, or selfishness. No one wants to read a book about a whale hunting journey or all the grotesque ways in which they describe hunting a whale (all of which are illegal now, in case I didn’t mention that).
The main point of this book is animal cruelty, and anyone who gets any other meaning out of this book is just simply wrong. There’s no hidden meaning behind it. It’s just about killing a whale, and personally, I’m offended. I speak for the whales when I say this book should be banned.
Alexandra Mellott, Editorial
The Farmer’s Almanac
I haven’t even read it, but I know this book is baloney. It explicitly claims to be 80% accurate in predicting the weather, which is absolutely ridiculous. The author is trying to play God by claiming this, which is highly offensive. And they still leave 20% of the weather unaccounted for, meaning I might decide to wear a T-shirt and shorts in December and get rained on. This book should be banned for attempting to play God and being revoltingly misleading.
Ben Franklin is rolling in his grave right now.
Ashley Lewis, Editorial and Social
The Bodyguard by Katherine Center
This book should be banned this instant for sending the standards for love through the roof! The Bodyguard presents completely unrealistic depictions of romance. Dating a movie star? Falling in love on a sprawling ranch? Developing healthy communication patterns and a system of mutual respect and support with your partner? Are we really still supporting this kind of idealistic nonsense in 2024?
By the end of this novel, I was hopelessly head over heels for both halves of the main pairing yet still painfully single. Hannah got her Hollywood hunk, so where’s mine? To elevate my standards of romance so high, I’m proposing an immediate ban on this book.
Lauran, Editorial
My 12th Grade Calculus Textbook
A book is supposed to bring enjoyment to someone’s life. They are supposed to captivate people and make those people want to read every page until they get to the end. My 12th-grade calculus textbook did not accomplish that goal. All it did was make me frustrated and a little puzzled. It should not take me half an hour to an hour to figure out a single page of a book. Also, I found this book to be a little dry. The story was not that interesting to me, and there was no satisfying end. It also felt all over the place, as some chapters had nothing to do with some previous chapters.
How am I supposed to follow a book with an organization like that? The calculus textbook did not have enough excitement, which made it almost a chore to get through. And I had to read this book for almost a year. While I learned quite a bit from this book and succeeded in my class, I believe we should ban this book so that students no longer have to suffer. The point of banning books is to make sure children do not have harsh influences. This book will negatively influence a child’s perception of books and bring them too much confusion, which is why we should ban this book.
Rachel Rosenfield, Editorial
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Why do we care so much about Jane Austen? Just because she started a new era of romance literature and literary criticism with her works? Just because she critiqued her time’s novels that didn’t accurately portray what women wanted from literature? Just because her impact has lasted centuries without faltering in the least? I mean, what has Austen done for society, really?
Look at Pride and Prejudice, for example — it’s arguably her most successful novel, and all the characters do is walk around the countryside and talk about money. And Elizabeth is a very problematic protagonist who will give female readers the wrong idea about relationships and a person’s character. Impressionable readers do not need to learn about disregarding a bad first impression and making an effort to discover who they are as a person.
Abby Caswell, Editorial
Diary of a Wimpy Kid by Jeff Kinney
Childhood Comedy? No way! Kids should not be influenced by laugh-out-loud fun, no matter the reason. They should be reading classics like The Great Gatsby — something sad and demented — not something that makes them want to read. Reading should be strictly educational. In fact, scrap The Great Gatsby; they should be reading the dictionary. Also, kids should experience middle school and should be terrified by what the experience could be from the book itself. They might get scared!
Sierra Jackson, Editorial
All Books Where the Protagonist Has a Mom and Dad
Seriously? Do these kinds of books still exist? I thought we left this behind years ago. It’s so disrespectful to people who only have one parent and to those who have two parents of the same gender. It’s honestly so embarrassing that in this day and age, there are still writers giving protags a mom and dad. How cringe is that? I think all books of this type should be banned. From now on, protags should only have parents of the same gender, one parent, or, if writers are especially daring, no parents. I’m only thinking of the children!
Danielle Tomlinson, Editorial
Books With Extremely Long Chapters
Picture this: you open a book, get comfy, and start reading. By the time you are on page 90, Chapter 1 is STILL going. Now I love hearing the thoughts of our main character, but what about the other characters and their thoughts? Very unfair, in my opinion. By the time Chapter 2 rolls around, I am too tired from the singular POV I’ve been reading and have to put down the book. Authors, please do not write a book with 10 chapters and 900 pages! Some characters do not need to talk and think for so many pages! We, as readers, are all united in wanting all the books with extremely long chapters banned, please, and thank you!
Val Gritsenko, Social and Video
All Books With Poisons Mentioned in Them Will Be Bleeped
You’d think that this would only affect books where poison is mentioned as a murder weapon, but no. We’re talking about books with anything considered poisonous — flowers, leaves, cleaning products, nuts, peppers, you name it. Poof! They’re covered in pixelated bleep boxes, just to ensure no one can even think to read these forbidden words, which are poisonous themselves.
There will be a decree to mark this event. It will go out to all the states, the countries even. “All Poisons In Books Will Now Be Bleeped Out!” Dictionaries, plant books, and murder mysteries will all be struck with pixelation once the order is given. You better find another way to do away with that dastardly villain, kill those weeds, or teach those scouts. These so-called poisons will no longer be allowed to be voiced in public. You never know. Even the word itself may face the pixel’s wrath!
Quiarah B/Vphan, Editorial
It’s time we took these bans seriously. No more of this nonsense shall sit on shelves with wholesome books. Our children deserve better. The fight isn’t over. We will see to it that every book that so much as seeks to explain, bring a smile to our faces, or even mention anything academic-wise, will be called out! Our third eyes are watching!
For more takes from the bookstr team about various topics, click here.
Be sure to browse our Bookstr Team Recommendations shelf on Bookshop.org!
