First and foremost, I’m a hater. And what do haters specialize in? That’s right, it’s hating. Now, do I actually hate this movie with every fiber of my being? No, because I’ve seen movies that are worse than this one. However, my grandfather always told me to speak the truth as loudly as I wanted, and dammit… this is my truth. I never went through the Twilight phase when I was younger. Much like One Direction, I became obsessed with them later in life. And now that you know this (partially useless) information, this is my version of Miley Cyrus’s Seven Things I Hate About You, specifically about Eclipse.
It’s common knowledge in the Twilight fandom that New Moon is the worst Twilight book… but, I think Eclipse is the worst movie adaptation. I use the word hate loosely though because like I said, I’ve seen worse (for example, I watched Five-Headed Shark Attack semi-ironically).
Jasper’s Accent and Background Story
Okay, Eclipse is all about providing background and laying a foundation for Breaking Dawn. During Eclipse, we learn about how Jasper got his start during The Civil War(?) fighting for the Confederacy? That’s problematic in and of itself, but I’m not here to talk about the problematic things. That’s a different conversation. I’m here to talk about Jasper’s horrific accent and the decision to have him go back to Galveston. Jasper (kind of) scares me only because of the way his lip lifts when he talks to keep that accent. A prime example of this is “Battle scars.” I’m not even kidding, I only hate his accent because it’s so close to my real one whenever I’m drowsy.
As for the Galveston thing, as a full-blooded Texan who goes to Galveston for family trips… I have issues. Galveston is a peninsula… and there are no mountains, so what the hell is this Eclipse people? Technically, this information wasn’t in the book, so why was there no basic research done for this? I’m slightly baffled…
Contacts and Wigs
They did Rosalie dirty this whole series, but for some reason, the contacts look especially bad in this one. I think they weren’t as bad in the first ones because the blue overlay was distracting enough to make it less noticeable. I don’t really have much to say about this one other than the evidence speaks for itself. These are almost as bad as the contacts in The Witcher, which are also really, really bad (however, it’s Henry Cavill, so it runs right back around again to hot).
Jacob and Bella’s Kiss
This is straight up sexual-assault… I don’t really know how we kind of just blew this off, but that’s what it is. There are a lot of questionable things in here (i.e. Jasper’s participation in the Confederate Army) but like this? There’s a lot that I like about the tension between Bella and Jacob, but this is unacceptable. Bella repeatedly tells Jacob that she’s picking Edward, but he just doesn’t listen. We all know that as the resident romance redneck, I love tension between two main characters, but only when feelings are openly reciprocated… and in this situation, they weren’t. It doesn’t help that this scene was worse in the books. Bella forcefully pushes Jacob away and then punches him, and Charlie asks Jacob if he wants to press charges? In what universe, I can’t y’all.
However, thanks to that scene we get this hilarious scene between Edward and Jacob.
Bella’s Bracelet… and Edward’s Addition
However much I hate the Jacob/Bella kiss, I thought the bracelet was a genuinely sweet graduation gift. Do I think this was Jacob’s way of establishing some type of stake in Bella? Yeah. Do I also think that it was a bit dickish of Edward to add something to it? Yes. This also ups the cringe factor on Bella’s part because she was all “Oh my gosh, I didn’t know it was a diamond!” and the rest of us were like, “Bella, it’s Edward, do you think he would’ve gotten you something cubic zirconia? No, he’s rich…”
Speaking of jewelry and rich(!)… Maybe this is a hot take, but I hate this ring. I despise it. It’s gross. I wear lots of rings and I work in the jewelry business and there’s nothing about this ring that I like. Perhaps this is a personal view (of course it is, who am I kidding?), but it’s just icky. I get that this was a family heirloom from Edward’s mom, but I would’ve gone with Tiffany and something a bit more modern. Also, I don’t think this fully matches the description in the book, wasn’t it yellow gold?
If you want some The Twilight Saga: Eclipse appreciation, we’ve got you covered here!