How To Get Your Book Banned in Five Easy Steps

Do you want to get your book banned but don’t know how? Here are five simple steps to ensure that parents everywhere will have a hissyfit from your novel.

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Book banning has become as popular as Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” New authors have been typing the raunchiest, smuttiest, most outlandish scenes to have their books go on the naughty list. Parents that have complained about these books have become instant celebrities. Shouting at the top of their lungs about sex, drugs, and violence at local school council meetings, making sure that their kids never hear about those topics in a public setting. If you want to get in on the book-banning bandwagon, listen closely. We have five for-sure ways to get your book tossed in the garbage.

1. Ban the White People

How to get your book banned in 5 easy steps. Image of people.

Considering having your main character be of Caucasian descent? Think again! Get those stinky White people out of here! Banish those printer paper people to the shadow realm. They have no place in a potentially banned book, especially since they’re the root of every problem to ever exist. To have your book banned, there must be an absence of people who are more inclined to clap when an airplane lands than hold open the door for someone. Unless your White character proclaims to be a savior to the people they pillaged, raped, and murdered, most of the snow-colored population will be in utter outrage at the “lack of diversity.” But that’s exactly what we’re going for. 

2. Use All the Swears

How to get your book banned in 5 easy steps. Cartoon image of swear words.

In the book-banning realm, swearing is just as bad as murdering someone. It’s one of the worst sins you can commit in the literary world. So, I swear to god if I see one more f*cking piece of profanity, I’m gonna go batsh*t crazy. These motherf*ckers don’t know when to f*cking stop. Like son of a b*tch, just stop using f*cking swears. God d*mn, these authors can be such d*cks sometimes. Don’t they give a f*ck about the children? Like p*ss off! If you can’t go one sentence without being a complete a**hole, then maybe this sh*t isn’t for you. If swearing isn’t your forte, then get the f*ck out of here!

3. Things Are a Little Too Queer

How to get your book banned in 5 easy steps. A limp wrist

If you really want your book to get banned, make things a little more queer than usual. Any depiction of flamboyancy will send book banners to the ninth ring of hell for having to see such obscenity with their holy eyes. Even if it’s not 100% clear if one of your characters is gay, the second they say “Heyyy” too much, the book will be sent to purgatory. This is probably one of the easiest ways to get your book banned. Book banners only fear a few things: open libraries, free speech, and the gays.

4. “The Talk” Comes to Life

How to get your book banned in 5 easy steps. Finger with a condom on it.

Oh no! It’s the thing that brought us all into this hell in the first place! Do you want your book to never be shown to children and young adults? Then write about the one thing parents hate talking to their kids about, sex! Parents would rather gouge out their children’s eyes than have them read a sex scene. Unless it’s between a man and a barely 18-year-old girl, then it’s okay.  As your characters rip their clothes off and hop into bed for a fun time, book banners will pray for your death! It’s the best of both worlds.

5. The More Violence, The Better

How to get your book banned in 5 easy steps. A guy about to punch somebody else.

Blood, gore, and carnage, oh my! Even though book-banners love to watch crime documentaries that depict some of the most heinous crimes the world has ever seen, they draw the line at throwing some punches in a book. With fake characters, fake scenarios, and fake confrontations, book banners can’t seem to take a fictional punch. By having your favorite characters beat the absolute shit out of each other, you can almost guarantee that your book will be the talk of the town in the next PTA meeting. 

Bonus: Telling the Truth

How to get your book banned in 5 easy steps. The word 'truth' amongst many 'lies'

All jokes aside, it seems easier to have your book banned than it is to get it published in this country. All any author has to do to receive outrage is, simply tell the truth. We all like to live in our own bubbles and believe that everything is fine with the world. But it’s not. There are things that we must talk about if we want to improve ourselves as a society, and book banning will only limit that work. So, the next time you see a banned book, pick it up! The reasons it got banned might be more comical than you think.

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