Christmas is all about giving. It’s the perfect opportunity to present a loved one with something special that they deserve. And this really made me sit back and think, What do famous authors get from their fans on Christmas? These authors dedicated their lives to providing us with glorious literature. But what do we, as book lovers, do for them? It’s not like we reciprocate in any manner at all! Therefore, Christmas is the perfect time to show them how much we appreciate them with a gift. Find out what these ten authors are getting this holiday!
William Shakespeare
If Google Translate had been gifted to William Shakespeare, the world would be a better place. Every single one of his works is dreadful because it’s full of Old English. Why did I have to analyze and translate A Midsummer Night’s Dream at the young age of eleven in the 6th grade? I mean, seriously. Why couldn’t he just use normal English? It’s time we save humanity and give him Google Translate. He can work on translating his literature so innocent students don’t have to. Seriously, it’s cruel and unusual punishment. Gifting Shakespeare Google Translate is for the good of society.
Rupi Kaur
Rupi Kaur will be unwrapping The Beekeeper’s Bible by Richard A. Jones and Sharon Sweeney-Lynch on Christmas morning. I mean, this gift totally matches her vibe. It’s always Milk and Honey this and Milk and Honey that! It’s time she gets the honey that she keeps talking about. That’s why, The Beekeeper’s Bible is perfect for her. This book will teach her the history of beekeeping and guide her on the journey of becoming a beekeeper. She’ll learn how to make candles, furniture polish, and makeup, all using beeswax. And best of all, this book includes nearly one hundred honey-themed recipes. That’s right! You heard it here, folks. Rupi Kaur will finally be able to indulge in the honey that she’s been craving.
Edgar Allan Poe
The perfect gift for Edgar Allan Poe is a book on happiness. Specifically, How to Be Happy (or at Least Less Sad): A Creative Workbook by Lee Crutchley. I don’t think this one even needs an explanation. Pick up one of his poems and read it (against your will, of course), and then you will completely understand. I wish I could get a rainbow, shove it in a box, stick a bow on it, and hand it to Edgar Allan Poe. But unfortunately, I can’t. So, this book is the closest thing I can get to a rainbow. It suggests finding a creative outlet, but I’d cross that part out before giving it to him. Because before you know it, he’ll be back to his joyless, morbid poetry. If this workbook doesn’t teach him how to be happy, at least it’ll help him be less sad.
Diana Gabaldon
I think Diana Gabaldon will accomplish wonders with Your Brain Is a Time Machine: The Neuroscience and Physics of Time by Dean Buonomano. She’s always writing about time travel, so we may as well feed into her passions. I think Buonomano can teach her a lot about the physics and neuroscience of time. However, I also know that Gabaldon can teach Buonomano a thing or two as well. He probably doesn’t know that you need gems to time travel! But of course, Diana Gabaldon already possesses that piece of valuable, factual knowledge. Take that, Mr. Buonomano! Anyway, this book will teach Diana Gabaldon any knowledge that she’s missing about time travel.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Just about every single one of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s books takes place in the 1920s. The Great Gatsby, Tender Is the Night, Beautiful and Damned, The Diamond as Big as the Ritz, and the list goes on! What was this man’s obsession with the Roaring Twenties? Doesn’t he get tired? Because I sure do! If I could build a time machine and send this man back to the 1920s, I would. (He should hit up Diana Gabaldon) But I can’t, so he’s getting a flapper’s dress and accessories. I think a dark green number would suit Fitzgerald best. I’ll even add a poster featuring the prohibition laws to solidify the quality of the gift. I bet you that he’ll start doing the Charleston out of pure joy.
Agatha Christie
The perfect gift for Agatha Christie is Unsolved Murders: True Crime Cases Uncovered by Amber Hunt and Emily G. Thompson. This book will keep Agatha Christie busy. I also think it may infuriate her because these murder cases are… unsolved. However, it may inspire her to write more murder mysteries! She can take these cases, write about them, and give them the endings that she sees fit. In fact, I think we should just put Agatha Christie out on the field. She can work for the FBI and do the investigation herself. I confidently believe that she would solve every single unsolved murder case out there. And her origin story will be this book that was gifted to her on Christmas.
Charles Dickens
Unfortunately, Charles Dickens wrote a wide variety of literature throughout his life. One of the novellas he wrote was A Christmas Carol. This book follows Ebenezer Scrooge’s character development. At the beginning of the story, he hated Christmas, and toward the end, he was celebrating the holiday. Well, you know what I say to that? BAH HUMBUG! Mr. Dickens will be receiving a stocking full of coal this Christmas. Do you know what’s worse than having nothing under the tree with your name on it? Opening a stocking full of coal. And guess what? Charles Dickens deserves it, without a doubt!
Suzanne Collins
This Christmas, Suzanne Collins isn’t getting anything. Let’s recall a distant memory that I often try to forget. In Mockingjay, Finnick dies. Now, let’s take a look at who killed Finnick. Was it the deranged mutant? No! Was it President Snow? No! Was it Suzanne Collins? Yes, that’s the correct answer! She took the heartless authority to kill that man. Finnick Odair had just married Annie, and they were about to begin a family. That is the most ruthless thing an author’s ever done in the history of literature. Therefore, Suzanne Collins will be waking up on Christmas morning and finding nothing under her tree. And there won’t be any decorations on her tree, either. Why? Because I stole them! Giving her nothing wasn’t enough. I had to pull a classic Grinch move.
Stephen King
Okay, so this is what I’m imagining: Stephen King as a little five-year-old. He’s about to go to sleep, but he sees a creepy-looking shadow peeking around his closet door. He’s too scared to get up and go look. So, he hides under the blankets and eventually falls asleep. He then has a series of terrifying nightmares because of the creepy shadow! And this is the origin story behind all of his horror books. If he just had a little nightlight, this all could’ve been avoided. He would’ve realized the shadow was just his yellow raincoat and red balloon. However, this isn’t what happened, and now we’re stuck with books like It. Therefore, I think it’s only appropriate that Stephen King gets thirty-eight night lights this Christmas.
Jane Austen
Jane Austen is going to have a magical Christmas Day with a modern romance comedy. The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood will be waiting patiently under the Christmas tree for her. I just know that she will cuddle up on the couch with this book and be so captivated by it that she won’t be able to put it down. In fact, I bet that she will finish it before Christmas Day is even over. In my opinion, this is the best gift for her because she can improve her own literature by reading this rom-com. This book will give Jane Austen a better understanding of what good romance comedy is actually like.
These ten wonderful authors should be very excited for Christmas. I genuinely think that this will be the best Christmas that they have ever (and will ever) experience. My family always tells me how great of a gift-giver I am, and I truly believe it. In fact, I think I was one of Santa’s helpers in a past life. I know these authors will adore their gifts this year! If anyone needs gift advice, just send me a letter! (Then again — don’t!)
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