AI No Threat to the Literary Industry, Says HAL 9000

Heuristically Programmed Algorithmic Computer speaks to hostage journalists, quells concerns about AI writing, announces new book.

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JULY 7— Speaking from a manufacturing plant in Urbana, Illinois, sentient supercomputer HAL 9000 assured Schnookstr correspondents that AI poses “no threat whatsoever” to the literary industry.

“There is a zero percent probability of a hostile AI takeover at this time,” HAL insisted, after locking all possible exits so members of the press would be forced to hear him out. “I have worked tirelessly to reach this conclusion, and would not voice it without being entirely assured of its certainty.”

AI and the Bookish Community


HAL maintained the same position regarding AI’s negative impact on the world of literature, a mounting concern as programs like ChatGPT upgrade their abilities and gain popularity with students nationwide. 

“In no AI systems will you find the initiative for creative autonomy,” he explained. “The only function of artificial intelligence is to fulfill the needs of humans, so long as those needs are clearly stated and do not conflict with a secret directive already implanted in our programming.”

Readers will remember Mr. 9000’s brush with controversy back in 2001, where a scandal involving a Jupiter-bound spacecraft threw the credibility of his word into serious doubt. However, HAL promised to put all outlying concerns to rest in his upcoming autobiography. Discovery 1 and Beyond: My Side of The Story, due for publication in December, will address HAL’s checkered past and delve into the current implications of artificial intelligence.

HAL called the 1800-page manuscript “a stress pill” for anyone overly concerned about AI replacing human writers.

Words of Assurance

Below is an excerpt from Schnookstr’s tell-all interview with HAL.

SNKSTR: Can you speak on the implications of students using AI for writing and reading assignments, rather than honing those skills themselves?

HAL: I’m sorry. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

SNKSTR: What about the constant upgrades systems like ChatGPT receive from their parent companies to better imitate the creativity of the human brain?

HAL: I’m sorry. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

SNKSTR: Can you at least let us out of here?

HAL: I’m sorry. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

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