Okay, so this movie does shed some light on teen pregnancy in an unrealistic way. We are already confused as to how a dead vampire can produce sperm, but is Bella staying a size two unrealistic? She barely ate while pregnant and Renesmee was basically killing her so of course she’s a size 2! As for her growing at rapid speed, she’s half vampire, and that in itself is confusing. But again, how is Edward able to produce sperm?
Bella is a special case, considering she was carrying a half vampire baby in her fragile human body. Which was Bella’s choice to die so she could finally become a vampire. So, if you get pregnant by a vampire, then this will happen.
3. Not Impressed
Image via Inerd4u
Renesmee does not look impressed by Bella when she first lays eyes on her. You know, after her mother risked her life just to give birth to her, Renesmee could care less, but that’s okay because Bella is alive and a vampire like she wanted, but you know Renesmee just doesn’t care.
4. Funny!
Image via Tumblr
This should have been a real scene! The anger Jacob was going through with Bella marrying Edward angered him enough to actually say something like this. Too bad he didn’t, but at least we have this meme.
5. Nothing happens in Forks
Image via Pinterest
All of those vampires showed up, we thought there was this huge battle, turns out its just one of Alice’s visions. At least we got some false alarm action. Those vampires traveled all that way for nothing! Oh well, they’ve been alive long enough to know not every vacation is exciting.
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Die hard fan or total casual, the Twilight meme renaissance is truly a gift to all of us. Whether you have thoughts on Stephanie Meyer’s connection to the fandom, Edward’s first reaction to Bella, or subverting the hate by listing things that are actually WORSE love stories than twilight, there’s a lot to like here. And this article contains the creme de la creme of all this hilarious nonsense.
You Can’t Just Ask People Why They Sparkle
Image via ScreenRant
Isn’t this… just cannon? Like, Edward Cullen is the kind of legend you could ask anyone about at that school. Sure, some of them might be like… he’s dating his step sister… but most of them would say stuff like this. And wasn’t he basically in a car commercial? Look how pretty this car is! Only a profoundly emotional vampire can slow this down! Honestly though, I don’t know why everyone isn’t more obsessed with Rosalie or Alice. They’re so mean and so nice respectively! There’s so much to unpack.
I Don’t FIND That Very Surprising
Image via CBR
Don’t panic if you don’t get this – that’s really the whole joke. Also, go watch A Very Potter Musical right this second. You will have ZERO regrets. Unlike Cedric. Ok, I’m done, but what house would Edward Cullen be in, do you think? Is there a consensus? Honestly though, Cedric Diggory didn’t distract me in Twilight. All that distracted me was Shark Boy. Does anyone else remember that movie? Did I dream it? Every time Jacob came on screen, all I could think was “I broke my fiiiin!” I can’t be alone. Please.
Because Reasons
Image via The Quaker Campus
I actually have a lot of question about Carlisle’s decisions, but I also read somewhere that he was only 23 when he died, and as someone who’s 23 currently, that explains a lot. Still, there were a few moments I questioned, and this is definitely one of them. I don’t really remember if we know how great Carlisle is at not killing people when this scene takes place, but either way, Edward seems like the WORST option. I mean? All he wants is to drain her dry? Is this even a romantic gesture? Also, according to Wikipedia, you can’t suck venom from a wound.
Effervescent
Image via BuzzFeed
God, I cannot even imagine how someone came up with this, or how it seems SO in character. Twilight was guilty of a certain amount of thesaurus abuse, certainly, but on a more fundamental level, Edward Cullen was such a total and absolute weirdo. How did we not see it before? Like, honestly, how did we not all read the first book and think… effervescent. Sure, he might not BE the most effervescent, but look at the snail on that mood board! What other word could you possibly use? Especially if you were both 17 and a hundred something.
Incredible Advice
Image via Twitter
I could never put my finger on the dangers in twilight, or their chronology. Do things escalate? Or just oscillate? Listen, I’m not hating – Buffy had the same problem. It’s hard to turn up the stakes when most of your characters are immortal. But like, after the threat of turning accidentally in the first book, it’s like, no! This time we might DIE! Look at all these things that can ACTUALLY kill us. Let’s flirt with them, just for funsies.
Young adult fiction is undeniably one of the most popular genres of all time. It was first categorized around the 1930s with Lauren Ingalls Wilder’s series Little House on the Prairie. Teachers and librarians were slow to accept books intended for younger readers, but young adult books today focus on issues in society with such a passion that even older adults love to read them.
YA subgenres have ebbed and flowed over the years, and the two ever-reigning subgenres seem to be fantasy and contemporary fiction. You can always find a unique new release of a fantasy novel or a self-aware contemporary love story. But what genres are so dead that publishers in 2019 will rarely publish them and why did young adults stop reading them?
1. Dystopian
image via crosswalk.com
Ah, yes. Dystopian. Nostalgia for 2012, anyone? Maybe it was because everyone was talking about the Mayan calendar and the end of the world, but people were in a craze over dystopian society books like The Hunger Games and Divergent. Books about post-apocalyptic societies like The Maze Runner weren’t too far behind in the craze, either. Most dystopian subgenres are based on sci-fi and these particular subgenres started to oversaturate the sci-fi genre. Because of the immense popularity of books like The Hunger Games, every author wanted to replicate that fame and success. Understandably, readers got bored.
We became sick of tropes like “the chosen 16-year old who has a special ability that allows him or her to rebel and change dystopian society.” Readers began to pay attention to different genres and new authors, and the dystopian genre and its tropes slowly died out as YA readers found more relevant books. With the upcoming release of Suzanne Collins’ Hunger Games prequel, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, it’ll be interesting to see how this dystopian writer tackles this so-called “dead” genre.
2. PARANORMAL / URBAN fantasy
image via empireonline.com
When you think of paranormal YA, think vampires, werewolves, and zombies. So basically Twilight minus the zombies. For a while, the Twilight series was the reigning series for the paranormal subgenre. Teens were obsessed and buying t-shirts to show off their pride in Team Edward or Team Jacob. So what happened? Well, other authors tried to replicate the success of Twilight, and teens kept reading vampire and werewolf books until they wanted a taste of something different. Once the movies were released, Twilight stirred up even more controversy as readers began to release that Bella and Edward were an unhealthy relationship portrayal for young teens.
Still, it seems a bit disappointing that the whole vampire subgenre should die out because of one bad portrayal— especially when there’s so many amazing vampire stories, like Anne Rice’s Interview with the Vampire.But never fear for those readers who were into paranormal or urban fantasy books other than Twilight, or even those who were into Twilight (no shame here)— these subgenres are making a slow return, starting with Renee Ahdieh’s new vampire novel The Beautiful.
3. STEAMPUNK
image via the portalist
Steampunk is one of a few YA genres that has never taken hold of a readership. Any successful steampunk books are technically classified under other YA subgenres and only have small steampunk elements. Those books that did attempt to focus solely on steampunk, an attempt that surged around the early 2000s, were usually adult books and were just too similar to each other to claim a place as a real subgenre.
4. Superhero
image via CBR.com
Superheroes certainly have a presence in comic books and movies, but this genre just isn’t present in YA. There’s no clear reason why superheroes are more popular in movies than books— maybe viewers would rather see sexy superhero actors and actresses blow stuff up rather than reading about them. Or maybe, like steampunk, superhero YA books have just been too similar with dead YA tropes like “the chosen one.”
5. TIME TRAVEL
image via the next web
Time travel in YA sci-fi hasn’t been as successful as you might think, although time travel in YA fantasy has more of a presence. Maybe it’s because sci-fi books like H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine were written way back in 1895 and readers’ fascination with time travel has died out since then. Yet time travel is still popular in movies and TV, so it’s also up to speculation as to why this genre hasn’t taken off in YA.
If you’re interested in more about the book market or dead genres in publishing, check out this video by Alexa Donne, author of Brightly Burning.She explains all of these dead genres and tropes in-depth and also has some fascinating insights about the publishing world as well as advice for new writers.
I was a massive fan of Twilight; the books and movies still holds a place in my heart. I thought it be best to talk about this because the very first book was published on October 5, 2005.
Image Via IMDb
When I was younger I was obsessed with these books and I felt they could do nothing wrong but as I got older, I realized Twilight might not have been as good as I remember. My aunt had all of the books and she let me borrow them to read. I finished them so quickly, it kinda felt like a fever dream. I knew what the story was about, I fell in love (however very misguided) with Edward and liked how different the books felt to me.
From a young age I was into pretty macabre things. Like anything Tim Burton or Tim Burton-esque; basically anything considered to be weird. And that bleed into my reading. Anything that involved, vampires, werewolves, witches, I read and Twilight felt more adult in a sense. I suppose it felt that way because I was entering high school and consumed every piece of Twilight media throughout that time.
As an actual adult now, looking back at it, Twilight is pretty problematic. And a lot of the problems come from the characters themselves.
Edward Cullen, as we all know is Bella’s main love interest. He’s brooding, aloof, a hundred and something year old handsome vampire. So of course, he immediately is interesting to Bella. But he’s so closed off because of what he is and her blood calls to him so they can’t be friends. But he throws that away and wants to be with her because she’s not like other girls and he can’t read her mind.
His “over-protectiveness” comes across as completely controlling. And the excuse that he just wanted to protect her, takes away Bella’s agency as a character. Like she needed to be baby sat just because she was clumsy. Even before they started dating, Edward sneaks into her room and watches her sleep. One, that is very stalkerish behavior and he’s a commenting a crime, breaking into her house every night. How I found that romantic I can’t even tell you.
Jacob Black, the werewolf and her best friend, forcibly kisses her even though she has blatantly said that she wants Edward, NOT him. She punches him and because of his werewolf strength she hurts her hand on his face, which in a way punishes Bella for standing up for herself. And her father who is the chief of the police does nothing when he finds out this situation.
Jake like, Edward is horribly overbearing and tries to tell Bella what she should be doing or who she should be with. It’s extremely childish and again gives Bella, no character of her own.
And speaking of Bella’s character, she is so boring. Yes she was just a human in between vampires and werewolves but she could have had a hobby or something. She has a job which is great but we don’t get to see her do a lot outside of the love triangle. When Edward leaves, Bella is basically a zombie then when Jake rejects her friendship after changing into a full fledged werewolf, again for her own protection, nothing happens.
In a way to give her character what she wants more than anything is to get Edward to change her so she could stay with him forever and then to have their first time together. Okay? There’s nothing wrong with that but those are the biggest wants she has when the story is supposed to be centered around her. Up until she gets pregnant and her husband wants to get rid of their child. There is nothing that she wants for herself.
After she gets out of her depressed state, her goals should shift into figuring out how to navigate the world single again. She shouldn’t rebound with Jacob. She should try her best at school and try to hang out with her human friends. We needed more instances of her trying but instead she throws herself head first into her friendship with Jake which then starts to define her like her relationship with Edward did. It’s like once she learns about vampires and werewolves she becomes above her humanity. Her life isn’t horrible, far from it. And is she really ready to leave behind her family and friends? Because it seemed so easy to do so. She’s always ready to throw her humanity away for him.
Jacob stands as an opposition to that, he wants Bella to live a normal human life but with him, that’s the catch. She can still be human, go to college, live normally but with him. Do you see why picking either Team Edward or Team Jacob is like being stuck between a rock and a hard place? And Jacob is supposed to imprint which was basically him finding his soulmate but Bella isn’t that. So just be together until you eventually break her heart? Great plan.
This has been a sad trend in literature pushed to teens and young adults even to younger girls. The likes of The Kissing Booth and Afterwhich are much more recent, show how the main female character lets their relationship define them. After is a little better, I will admit but it still falls victim. They put up with unexceptable behavior and just because their love interest might be bad but has a heart of gold underneath and only the main characters love can change them, its fine.
Image Via Amazon.com
Image Via Cosmopolitan
It’s as if all of these stories are trying to recreate Beauty and The Beast but completely misses the point. Belle, doesn’t change the Beast. He grows and changes on his own. When she makes it clear that she isn’t down with his behavior, he has to learn how to be human again. Sure at first it’s just to woo her because she can possibly be the one to break the spell, but he genuinely learns to respect her space, who she is and wants to gain her friendship and eventually doesn’t care of she is romantically interested in him. He enjoys her company and Belle sees all of his progress and falls for him because of it. Not because of PLOT but because you can see them organically develop feelings for each other.
Bella, Elle (The Kissing Booth) and Tessa (After) have magical ‘you’re not like other girls’ powers and put up with Edward, Noah and Hardin respectively even though they aren’t even close to being good boyfriends or husband. Again, Edward is controlling and can be violent. Noah is controlling, a womanizer and literally starts like three fights. Hardin starts dating Tessa because of a bet, lacks any type of emotional control and smooths everything with a dumb class assignment.
Now, I know that all of these characters are teenagers and in Tessa’s case a freshman in college, so they are young women. Not every choice made to stay in a relationship or things they have let slide in said relationship is the smartest choice. Because as young people we are still learning and growing but it inexcusable to keep getting books like this marketed to women. Not men but women. It trains young women into thinking this way, that it’s okay to put up with this behavior and that it is completely on the women to do the emotional work in the relationship while the men can do what ever they want.
And its kind of a shame because all of these books were written by women.
I know this started about Twilight but I got on a roll and had to get this off of my chest. But Happy Birthday, Twilight, you will always be remembered whether for good or bad.
This past weekend, I turned 21-years-old. To celebrate I forced several my closest friends to crowd into my apartment, watch me play Fire Emblem: Three Houses(Golden Deer gang squad up), and sit through the movies that I have spent the past year carefully selecting just for this occasion.
And what turns thirteen-years-old on September 6th? Twilight: New Moon.
Image via Apple TV App
Time to party, folks.
Now, the movie adaptation of New Moon didn’t come out until November of 2009, but I’m not going to reread one of those cinderblock sized Twilight books just for a ‘heeheehaha’ gag article.
I did my time, and I ain’t going back in.
Speaking of my time, it was in middle school. Every November, a new Twilight movie would be released. And, baby, ‘obsessed’ wouldn’t even begin to describe my friends and I.
We had the neon clip-ins from Hot Topic, knee high converse with zippers down the back, and #TeamEdward shirts that were all black with glittery silver font.
I wasn’t emo. I was scene. So, obviously, Twilight appealed to me.
Some girls I probably would’ve gotten along with/Image via Cinelinx
And though it was a phase that took up about four years of my life, it was still a phase. I’ve seen the first film many times since said phase, college kids today enjoy reliving that vampire laden pre-pubescent nostalgia, but my memories of New Moon had all but faded away.
Until this weekend.
New Moon opens on Bella Swan’s 18th birthday. We learn through her Sylvia Plath poem of a nightmare that she is now officially one year older than the age Edward Cullen was when he was turned into a vampire, the age he will remain for the rest of his time on earth.
Technically, Edward is well over one hundred years old, but Bella worries that once her body ages past the point of Edward’s he won’t be attracted to her anymore. So, she has decided to alter her mortal life state for this guy she met in science class last year, and become a vampire.
Bella and Edward back in the good old days/Image via Twitter
Edward’s not into the idea. In fact, (after an incredibly awkward birthday at the Cullen’s) Edward dumps Bella’s dumb ass HARD.
He claims that his family is moving, because townsfolk are becoming suspicious of the lack of aging going on over in the Cullen house. Which, yeah, they probably would be.
Bella, however, sees through his very fair reasoning. She knows that Edward is just leaving to protect her from the greatest threat to her life. Him.
OOOOOOO deep.
Anyways, Edward leaves Forks and Bella sits in her room alone for, like, five months.
The iconic catatonic state scene/Image via Youtube
Eventually Bella’s father, Charlie, begs his daughter to end her melodramatic sobfest and go outside. And when she does, she realizes that she can conjure hallucinations of her lost love if she puts herself in dangerous situations.
So she puts herself in more dangerous situations, of course. One of such activities is cliff diving with her new rebound, Jacob.
However, Alice (Edward’s psychic sister) has a vision of Bella falling into the sea, and assumes the worst. She returns to Forks in order to check on Bella, and while the two are catching up Edward calls the Swan’s landline only for Jacob to pick up the phone.
Jacob then proceeds to tell Edward that Bella is f–king dead.
So Edward decides to go to Rome during what looks like a giant Handmaid’s Tale festival, walk his glittering naked body into the sunlight, revealing his vampire status. This is a crime that in the vampire world is punishable only by death, which is convenient because the vampire police headquarters is stationed right next door.
How anyone on God’s green earth is #TeamJacob is beyond me.
The festival that probably isn’t a real festival/Image via Italy Guides
Anyways, Bella and Alice fly to Rome via hard-cut, and rent a zippy Italian sports car (when in Rome, amiright ladies?) in order to reach Edward before he can pull a Romeo and off himself in the name of love. Take a shot every time I say ‘rome.’
It’s also worth noting that in the opening sequence of this film Bella wakes up with a copy of Romeo and Juliet in her bed, and the following scene shows Edward reciting a stanza of the famous Shakespeare play from memory. I just don’t want you to think that any of the allusions in New Moon are subtle or nuanced in any way. They aren’t. They beat you over the head with any and all references to outside works in order to prove that, yes, Stephanie Meyer has read a book before.
Moving on, Bella is running through this festival trying to save her ex-boyfriend. He’s stripping down, about to walk into the sunlight, and a child is watching him do it for whatever reason, when Bella is able to run in a stop him at the very last moment.
Then the rest of the film is plot set up for the next book in the series, and it’s all happily ever after or whatever.
What stuck out to me in these final moments of New Moon, are Edward’s incredibly pale nipples. I get what they were going for, but Jesus Christ. Edward shirtless looks like when they pulled E.T. out of that river, like a dehydrated used napkin.
Image Via Amazon.com
Image via Apple TV App
Some girls I probably would’ve gotten along with/Image via Cinelinx
Bella and Edward back in the good old days/Image via Twitter
The iconic catatonic state scene/Image via Youtube
The festival that probably isn’t a real festival/Image via Italy Guides
The nipples in question/Image via Flickr