I’m a bit of a loner. Always have been, convinced I always will be. But that doesn’t stop me from going on dates. I like dates. I like people. People are interesting. Here are five of my worst Tinder stories as told through famous literary characters.
1. When I was twenty-two years old, I went on a date with this cutie who ordered a Jameson and ginger, took one sip, and decided it was just absolutely too strong. We then traded drinks, and he sucked down my gin and tonic and let me talk about myself for the better part of two hours. At the end of the date, he told me I was “the most interesting person he had ever met,” and considering he was a twenty-eight year old twice divorced Republican, I believed him. There was no good night kiss.
Dude was as boring as Nick Carraway and just as memorable.
Image via Turn the Right Corner
2. At twenty-three, I made an Elizabeth Bennett sized mistake and ended up dating a George Wickham-esque nightmare I met off Tinder for just over six months. Beautiful, but unemployed. Charming, but a royal asshole. His golden locks distracted me from his shitty attitude and before I knew it he had me eating from the palm of his hand until months later when I finally opened my eyes and saw him for what he was. A dipshit.
“Mr. Wickham is blessed with such happy manners as may ensure his making friends—whether he may be equally capable of retaining them, is less certain.” Yup, that sounds about right.
Image via Bustle
3. “There is something rotten in Denmark…and it’s his piss-poor attitude!”
The Hamletof my dating mistakes, this dude never stabbed my father but he might as well have. The first time I introduced him to my parents he called my father’s cooking “mediocre” and my mother’s kitchen “cluttered”. He never shut up about the “women of his past,” how awful they were, blah blah etc etc who cares, and when I called him out on it, he would wax poetic and flail dramatically and somehow, it was always my fault. We lasted three weeks.
4. At nineteen, I dated one of the hottest people I had ever met. Part Narcissus, part Dorian Gray, this dude primped, preened, and plucked more than I did. The first time I tagged along to his bimonthly manicure and eyebrow wax he peer pressured me into getting my eyebrows done despite my continued insistence that I am allergic to wax. I mean, I guess peer pressured isn’t the right phrase. I’m petty as hell and so willingly did it just to spite him. Post-wax, he complained every time we went out until the allergic reaction went down and I stopped “ruining his image”. Ladies, he’s still single!!!!
Image via TV Tropes
5. And last but not least, the Lord of the Rings character. On our first date, he brought three friends. Totally Frodo, right? Except how the date actually went was he told me we were getting food, and then instead we went clubbing from 7pm to 2am and at no point did we actually get food. Clearly, he’s Sauron.
Image via Votaries of Horror
Featured Image Via Tech Crunch, Bookstr, and my own ridiculous photoshopping.
Lionsgate have announced that Annie Clark, A.K.A St. Vincent, rock star extraordinaire, will direct an upcoming adaptation of Irish writer Oscar Wilde’s only novel, The Picture of Dorian Gray.
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Variety reports that Clark will direct the female-led production, with David Birke writing the script. Birke penned Paul Verhoeven’s film “Elle,” for which Isabelle Huppert was nominated for Best Actress at the Oscars.
At the 2017 Sundance Film Festival, Clark debuted her short film “Birthday Party,” as a part of the female-driven “XX” horror anthology. She co-wrote, scored and directed the film. In 2015, Clarke’s album ‘St. Vincent’ won the Grammy for Best Alternative Album. She has also received the Smithsonian American Ingenuity Award and the Q Maverick award, both given for outstanding innovation in the arts.
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Given how multi-talented Clark has already proven herself to be, we are super excited to see what she does with Wilde’s classic tale of vanity, decadence and obsession.
Wilde’s ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ has been brought to the silver screen a number of times since it was first published in 1890, most recently in 2009, starring Ben Barnes and Colin Firth.
It has been said that “art begets art.” Never has this been so true than in the case of bands inspired by books!
We’ve compiled some of the best examples of musicians who have written songs about their favorite works of fiction. From Taylor Swift to The Velvet Underground to Kate Bush, here is the bookworm’s essential summer playlist, guaranteed to get you in the mood for some sunny summer reading!
One of Taylor Swift’s most catchy hits is inspired by Shakespeare’s timeless ‘Romeo and Juliet.’ The song tracks the lovers from their first meeting ‘We were both young when I first saw you / I close my eyes and the flashback starts / I’m standing there on a balcony in summer air’ to an imagined happier ending for the famously doomed pair ‘I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress / It’s a love story, baby just say yes”
Jefferson Airplane’s most famous song, written by frontwoman Grace Slick, was directly inspired by Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland. The children’s classic was read to her often as a child, and every lyric references it. Slick stated that for her following ‘the white rabbit’ meant following her curiosity, and the song became an anthem for 60s psychedelics.
Written when she was just 18 years old, Bush’s song was inspired by Emily Bronte’s haunting tale of love and obsession. The famous lines ‘Heathcliff, it’s me, it’s Cathy, I’ve come home/ I’m so cold/ Let me in at your window’ references the chilling return of Catherine Earnshaw’s ghost. This year, thousands gathered in locations across the globe, on July 15, to imitate Bush’s iconic dress and dancing in the video. That day became coined as The Most Wuthering Heights Day Ever.
This emo classic references Orson Scott Card’s sci-fi classic Ender’s Game. Though the lyrics are vague, there is much discussion online about how they link up to the text of the novel. This song will be a nostalgia trip hard enough to send anyone who listened to it as a teenager flying right back to their youth and their favorite dystopian world.
Bowie’s 1974 track from the album Diamond Dogs was originally written for a staged musical of George Orwell’s 1984 (the musical never came to be). This is not the only song inspired by Orwell’s seminal work; Marilyn Manson, Coldplay, and The Clash are just some of the other artists who have been inspired by it!
Lead singer Billie Joe Armstrong was forced to read J.D Salinger’s coming-of-age novel, The Catcher in the Rye, while in school. He was not happy about it. While this book is universally beloved of angsty teens, the fact that he had no choice in reading it enraged Armstrong. Years later, he wrote this song as a tribute to teens feeling apathetic as a result of adult authority. That’s something Holden Caulfield could definitely relate to!
Another Lewis Carroll-inspired hit, this beloved Beatles track references the poem The Walrus and the Carpenter. John Lennon received a letter from a school student saying that his English teacher had been analyzing Beatles lyrics in class. Lennon was so amused by this that he decided to make the lyrics of his next song the most confusing yet. No wonder he turned to Carroll for inspiration!
This dreamy ballad is an ode to J.R.R Tolkien’s epic The Lord of the Rings and was used in the closing credits of the 2003 movie The Return of the King. It’s sung from the point of view of Elvish queen Galadriel and several phrases are taken from the book.
Oscar Wilde’s only novel The Picture of Dorian Gray is referenced in this track from the Peter Doherty-fronted indie rock outfit. They use Dorian Gray’s fixation with maintaining his youth at any cost to critique modern day society’s obsession with beauty: ‘all your models in magazines and on the walls/ You wanna be just like them/ Cause they’re so cool/ They’re just narcissists/ Well wouldn’t it be nice to be Dorian Gray?’
This punk classic is inspired by the Stephen King novel appeared in the 1989 movie adaptation. King is a huge Ramones fan and apparently gave Dee Dee Ramone a copy of Pet Cemetary. Ramone, in turn, used to write the lyrics to this hit!
This haunting melody is based on Flannery O’Connor’s short story of the same name about a boy who is brought to a river baptism by his babysitter, and, feeling neglected by his parents, agrees to be baptized when told by the preacher that this will make him ‘count.’
The opening track of Bloc Party’s album A Weekend in the City is inspired by Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis. The song pays homage to Easton Ellis’s main character Clay, and many images from the text appear in the lyrics, including the sign “Disappear Here” and the line “people are afraid to merge on the freeways.”
This song, first released in 1967 and sung by frontman Lou Reed, references the two lead characters from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch’s novel of the same name from 1870. The song deals with themes of sexuality and dominance, and it is from von Sacher-Masoch’s name that the term “masochoism” derives. “Venus in Furs” is an iconic song of the 60s and 70s as The Velvet Underground were key players in the music and art scene during that time, hanging out with the likes of Nico, Andy Warhol, and Edie Sedgewick.
This song is a direct reference to Penelope Farmer’s classic 1969 children’s novel of the same name. The titular character Charlotte, when sent to boarding school, discovers she has traveled 40 years into the past and has taken the place of a girl called Clare. Frontman Robert Smith claimed this novel was the most direct literary influence on the band.
Written for Baz Luhrmann’s 2013 adaptation of F. Scott FitzGerald’s beloved novel The Great Gatsby, this song references some of the key images in the text, including Daisy’s yellow dress and the green light of the lighthouse across the bay. Florence Welch frequently talks about the impact that literature has had on her music. According to her band’s fan club site, she even hosts a monthly book club for fans called “Between Two Books!”
Featured images courtesy of Film Forum and Plan Wallpaper.