Tag: personal

"It's not you - it's me - The Dreaded DNF"

The 7 Kinds of Books You Didn’t Finish

There’s been some hot debate over whether or not it’s a mortal sin to put down a book before you’re finished reading it: The Atlantic commands its audience to finish the damn thing or risk missing an excellent ending; conversely, The Guardian talks up the simple joy of dropping a boring read, akin to the instant high of cancelling plans.

Personally, I am firmly in camp DNF (Did Not Finish). Is this because I have many unfinished books, tragically abandoned on nightstands and bathroom radiators and don’t want to be called out? Okay, maybe. Or is it, perhaps, because I prefer not to waste my time if it seems the author may start comparing a woman’s ass to the rump of a mountain sheep? Though I admit it’s often the latter, here are the seven types of books you never manage to get through.

 

1. THE CUCKOLD

 

My currently-reading VS book with better cover art
IMAGE VIA KNOWYOURMEME; MADE WITH PHOTO COLLAGE

 

So you’ve brought a new, more attractive book into bed. They say not to judge a book by its cover, but that didn’t stop you from abandoning your-tried-and-true for a flashier release. And to think, you’d only known each other for the five minutes you spent casually perusing the bookstore. You weren’t really looking for anything, but hey—sometimes, attraction just happens. Now you’ve relegated your Goodreads currently-reading to the nightstand. Soon, it’ll be separate bedrooms.

2. The recommendation

 

"Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them."
IMAGE VIA QUOTE FANCY

 

Maybe when you say, ‘cool, I’ll check it out,’ you’re just being polite. But how polite is it really when your friend takes you up on your indirect offer… and actually lends you the book? Maybe if you tell your friend you liked it, they’ll leave you alone. But chances are what they’ll actually do is ask you a stream of questions that you won’t be able to answer. You can’t give it back until you’ve read it—but since you aren’t going to read it, you can never give it back. This is one reason why you might DNF a book, but, as a bonus, it’s also a reason why you might be a bad person.

 

 

3. The dinner party icebreaker

 

Well worn copy of Infinite Jest laden with post-its
IMAGE VIA INFINITE WINTER

 

If an elitist has read Infinite Jest and never mentions it… did he even read it at all? The answer is probably no—tbh, even if he does mention it. To be fair, it’s not always a matter of pretentiousness; sometimes we purchase books we know we SHOULD read even if we aren’t all that interested in reading them. But hey, why read a book you’re uninterested in just to drop references at your dinner party? It’s possible your guests won’t get the reference, either.

 

4. THE BLUNT FORCE MURDER WEAPON

 

Leo Tolstoy's 'War and Peace' sitting on a scale
IMAGE VIA WORD COUNTER

 

I like big books and I cannot lie… about finishing these clunkers every single time. (Note: ‘clunker’ is really not the most appropriate adjective to describe War and Peace. That doesn’t make it less accurate.) This brand of DNFing is frequently a case of right book, wrong time: when you get extremely busy, it’s easy to leave off and forget your place. If the book is 700 pages long, it may be a hell of a lot harder to find it again.

 

5. THE ANATOMICALLY INACCURATE

 

"Her breasts joggled"
IMAGE VIA BUZZFEED

 

Next time I go to buy underwear, I’ll be sure to ask the salesperson how to stop my pointed breasts from joggling so tautly. Many male writers are also experts on things like periods (three days long) and voluptuous asscheeks (spinning like pinwheels at the slightest provocation). Experts advise to write what you know… in which case, I’ll have to recommend some authors stop writing about women’s bodies.

 

6. THE Library Book

Arthur displays his library card.
IMAGE VIA FAMILIUS

 

The children’s TV show Arthur was telling the truth: “having fun isn’t hard—when you’ve got a library card.” But it’s just as easy to neglect your rental until just a few days before the return date… of your third renewal. You might think that this time, you’ll put down a book you currently own in favor of a book you’ll have to give back. But you know what they call a mistake you make twice: a choice.

 

7. Whatever the hell this is

 

Bigfoot's real, and he has a huge cock.
QUOTATION VIA ‘CUM FOR BIGFOOT’

 

Featured Image Via Confessions of a Book Addict.

"It's not you - it's me - The Dreaded DNF"

The 7 Kinds of Books You Didn't Finish

There’s been some hot debate over whether or not it’s a mortal sin to put down a book before you’re finished reading it: The Atlantic commands its audience to finish the damn thing or risk missing an excellent ending; conversely, The Guardian talks up the simple joy of dropping a boring read, akin to the instant high of cancelling plans.
Personally, I am firmly in camp DNF (Did Not Finish). Is this because I have many unfinished books, tragically abandoned on nightstands and bathroom radiators and don’t want to be called out? Okay, maybe. Or is it, perhaps, because I prefer not to waste my time if it seems the author may start comparing a woman’s ass to the rump of a mountain sheep? Though I admit it’s often the latter, here are the seven types of books you never manage to get through.
 

1. THE CUCKOLD

 

My currently-reading VS book with better cover art
IMAGE VIA KNOWYOURMEME; MADE WITH PHOTO COLLAGE

 
So you’ve brought a new, more attractive book into bed. They say not to judge a book by its cover, but that didn’t stop you from abandoning your-tried-and-true for a flashier release. And to think, you’d only known each other for the five minutes you spent casually perusing the bookstore. You weren’t really looking for anything, but hey—sometimes, attraction just happens. Now you’ve relegated your Goodreads currently-reading to the nightstand. Soon, it’ll be separate bedrooms.

2. The recommendation

 

"Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them."
IMAGE VIA QUOTE FANCY

 
Maybe when you say, ‘cool, I’ll check it out,’ you’re just being polite. But how polite is it really when your friend takes you up on your indirect offer… and actually lends you the book? Maybe if you tell your friend you liked it, they’ll leave you alone. But chances are what they’ll actually do is ask you a stream of questions that you won’t be able to answer. You can’t give it back until you’ve read it—but since you aren’t going to read it, you can never give it back. This is one reason why you might DNF a book, but, as a bonus, it’s also a reason why you might be a bad person.
 
 

3. The dinner party icebreaker

 

Well worn copy of Infinite Jest laden with post-its
IMAGE VIA INFINITE WINTER

 
If an elitist has read Infinite Jest and never mentions it… did he even read it at all? The answer is probably no—tbh, even if he does mention it. To be fair, it’s not always a matter of pretentiousness; sometimes we purchase books we know we SHOULD read even if we aren’t all that interested in reading them. But hey, why read a book you’re uninterested in just to drop references at your dinner party? It’s possible your guests won’t get the reference, either.

 

4. THE BLUNT FORCE MURDER WEAPON

 

Leo Tolstoy's 'War and Peace' sitting on a scale
IMAGE VIA WORD COUNTER

 
I like big books and I cannot lie… about finishing these clunkers every single time. (Note: ‘clunker’ is really not the most appropriate adjective to describe War and Peace. That doesn’t make it less accurate.) This brand of DNFing is frequently a case of right book, wrong time: when you get extremely busy, it’s easy to leave off and forget your place. If the book is 700 pages long, it may be a hell of a lot harder to find it again.

 

5. THE ANATOMICALLY INACCURATE

 

"Her breasts joggled"
IMAGE VIA BUZZFEED

 
Next time I go to buy underwear, I’ll be sure to ask the salesperson how to stop my pointed breasts from joggling so tautly. Many male writers are also experts on things like periods (three days long) and voluptuous asscheeks (spinning like pinwheels at the slightest provocation). Experts advise to write what you know… in which case, I’ll have to recommend some authors stop writing about women’s bodies.

 

6. THE Library Book

Arthur displays his library card.
IMAGE VIA FAMILIUS

 
The children’s TV show Arthur was telling the truth: “having fun isn’t hard—when you’ve got a library card.” But it’s just as easy to neglect your rental until just a few days before the return date… of your third renewal. You might think that this time, you’ll put down a book you currently own in favor of a book you’ll have to give back. But you know what they call a mistake you make twice: a choice.

 

7. Whatever the hell this is

 

Bigfoot's real, and he has a huge cock.
QUOTATION VIA ‘CUM FOR BIGFOOT’

 
Featured Image Via Confessions of a Book Addict.

Person

Why Characters Are Better Than Real People

I have like five or six good friends. I think that’s fine. I’m all right, comfortable even, with that number. If you’re trying to tell me you have over a dozen good friends—and I mean good—you probably, just, I don’t know. You’re probably lying. Good friends, I’m talking. And you’re saying you have twelve of them? No.

 

Good friends are, in any case, hard to come by. Many people are selfish. They get in their own head and it’s sometimes hard to find their way out. The bad news is these people don’t make great friends. The good news is they can create great friends via writing books.

 

Authors have to be fairly self-obsessed if they’re willing to craft a 50,000+ word tome that is essentially a transcribed internal monologue. Imagine the arrogance it takes to write a book. While an author may be a jerk, a character they create may be a true gem.

 

Take Roald Dahl, for example. His first wife called him “Roald the Rotten,” and he was let go by his publisher for hilarious reasons pertaining to his bad behavior. The letter his publisher sent him notifying him of his dismissal is…pretty funny. Robert Gottlieb, an executive at Alfred A. Knopf at the time, wrote to Dahl, saying, “For a while I put your behavior down to the physical pain you were in and so managed to excuse it. Now I’ve come to believe that you’re just enjoying a prolonged tantrum and are bullying us.” Get all the details and the full letter here.

 

Roald Dahl

You can’t see what he’s doing with his hands. He’s strangling a kitten. | Image Via Penguin Books

 

The point is that Dahl might have been a jerk, but he also created Matilda. Who doesn’t want to split a delicious chocolate cake with Matilda? Or Charlie Bucket. Or the BFG. He might not have had the capacity to treat his fellow human beings with a modicum of common decency, but he was able to recognize and craft kind and compassionate people in his books.

 

Right, but that’s not the only reason characters are better than people. People are complicated. Characters are less complicated. A person might wake up in a crap mood just because, and then intentionally cut in front of someone when getting on the subway so they can get to the one open seat. A character probably won’t do that because that would be deemed inconsistent or sloppy.

 

If a character is mean, then that character is probably the bad guy. You know that character will behave that way because that is their temperament. Real mean people, though, can inexplicably have good days. The same person who called you a dumb loser that one November night last year, standing outside of the bar, might later say, “You’re not so bad.” No. I’m not so bad. You are bad. You were bad when you called me a dumb loser. Why are you being nice to me now? Things are not so simple.

 

I prefer book characters, with whom what you see is exactly what you get. I want to get a beer with Ignatius J. Reilly. I want to go sailing with Edmond Dantes. I want to walk through the garden with the tenant of Wildfell Hall. Remus Lupin, Samwise Gamgee, Nao Yasutani, Qfwfq. THESE ARE MY TRUE FRIENDS.

 

Sorry, Steve.

 

via GIPHY

 

Feature Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash