Tag: nsfw

Ross Asdourian, Broken Bananah

NSFW: I Went to a Book Release About a Broken Penis. It Was Awesome.

There’s no easy way to say this: last night, I went to a book release party where the author recounts the tale of his broken penis. And it was incredible.

 

Here’s some context: Scott, the big boss, sent the editorial team a link about a book coming out, Broken Bananah: Life, Love, and Sex… Without a Penis by Ross Asdourian, certified hottie. Scott suggested we should cover it delicately, and I immediately bowed out because I’m not so delicate. Emily, one of our interns, pounced on it, did most of the research including finding out about the book release and planning an interview, but ultimately she was not able to attend as the venue is twenty-one and up. After Emily couldn’t go, I convinced Scott not to attend, because I flourish as a solo unit. 

 

 

Broken Bananah

 

I arrived at 7:45, because I wanted to be early but I also didn’t want to be a total creep. I ordered a vodka cranberry, because I’m not that big on liquor but also because the free punch was already gone. Ross was dressed in a solid yellow blazer, jeans, and a crisp white button down. Emily had told me earlier in the day that he was rocking a mustache, which was exciting, because I’m a sucker for a mustache, so I was disappointed when I arrived and his facial hair was not-so-Selleck.

 

 

This is pretty cool ? Book linked in da bio ? #brokenbananah

A post shared by Ross Asdourian (@ross_do) on

Schwing

Gif via PopKey

 

I introduced myself, we chatted, he signed my book. 

 

Hildog- WOOF! Please please please always wear that yellow coat. Love you long time. XX 

 

Ross slipped me a free banana keychain/flashlight because he liked my blazer. I’m pretty sure I winked at him as a thank you, because that’s the type of person I am. I chatted up the other photographer, Lucy, and this picture was taken, because I’m a ham and because duh.

 

Broken Bananah

Image via Lucy Helena

 

Once the extended happy hour subsided, we moved to the back room for the reading. Ross asked for a book, and I basically threw him mine with a “YO!” He read two chapters, hilarious chapters (the opening chapter, for context, and a second chapter, about the first time he masturbated post-healing), then took questions.

 

Broken Bananah

Image via Hilary Schuhmacher

 

I would describe the mood in the room as pained, but extraordinarily entertained.

 

Broken Bananah reactions

Image via Hilary Schuhmacher

 

Broken Bananah

Image via Hilary Schuhmacher

 

Shoutout to these girls, because the one on the right said something fucking hilarious and I unfortunately did not have my recorder close enough to capture the comedic gold. 

 

Standout questions include “Is the girl in here right now?”, “Did you have health insurance?” and my own question, “What was the porno video that you were watching when you came for the first time?”. So you’re aware: 

 

I don’t know if this is funny or not, so I’m just going to tell you the truth. There was one particular porn, it was a Fourth of July porn, and it was three women, and a very thin Mexican guy with a huge penis. The scene is he comes in, he’s pretending he’s on the phone ordering more alcohol for the party, and the girls are like, get off the phone! And he’s acting like he doesn’t care, like, ‘I gotta call you back, Bob!’. He actually doesn’t have sex with them, so they’re like, forget him! and go back inside and see this hot young thing, and start rubbing their boobs on him, and that’s where I finished. I actually didn’t get to the part where they had sex.

 

After the reading was over, we were back to socializing. A minimum of six of Ross’ friends introduced me to him, because “you should really meet this girl.” He promised me an interview, and then I made him wait while I socialized with his friends, asking them if there were any questions they wanted answers to on the record. Most of them were, to put this nicely, inappropriate. 

 

Broken Bananah

Image via Hilary Schuhmacher 

 

Worth noting, I started off this interview by saying, “I have a lot of questions, and they’re dumb as shit.” Emily would have been better at the interview, but Emily is not yet of legal drinking age.

 

HS: You mentioned you had to take a dick pic for your doctor, is there a copy of that in the book? If not, why not?

RA: No, because the book is descriptive enough without it.

 

HS: You mentioned a porn parody, what was it?

RA: Star Wars, Revenge of the Sith, I think?

 

HS: You described your time without release as “months of harvesting,” how long was that?

RA: Month and a half.

 

HS: Did you sleep in the wet spot? If you didn’t, why not and did you regret it?

RA: What? You don’t come in a puddle and then sleep in it!

HS: I agree, but one of your friends asked me very politely to ask you that question. 

RA: That’s fair.

 

HS: What do your parents think of the book?

RA: They like it. In the book itself, there’s a very honest account of family and family values, relationships and being in a time of need. Maternal relationships and why we are the way we are. It’s only weird because we make it weird.

 

HS: One of your friends, Lexi, said you’ve described it as “straighter now,” what was it before?

RA: Bent, upwards. I like my old dick better.

 

HS: What positions are you more cautious about now?

RA: Girl on top.

 

HS: Whose fault was it?

RA: Both of ours, takes two to tango.

 

HS: When was the last time you talked to her?

RA: A week ago.

 

HS: Is she still fuckin’ doggy?

RA: I hope so.

 

I hope so too, Ross. 

 

I haven’t yet finished the book, but I’m thoroughly entertained. Honestly, he had me at “broke my dick”. Overall, I would call the party a huge success. Friends and family were in attendance, the reading was packed, with people straining to see and gasping for breaths between laughs. Ross was charismatic, well-spoken, and can tell a hell of a story. I’m excited to see how the book turns out.

 

Buy your own copy here, and let us know what you think!

 

Featured Image Via Lucy Helena. 

My Dad Wrote a Porno

NSFW: Your New Favorite Podcast Is ‘My Dad Wrote a Porno’

If you’ve been living under a rock for a while, or just been sleeping on podcasts, then you might have missed out on the best thing of all time: My Dad Wrote a Porno.

 

When British television director Jamie Morton discovered his father had started writing his own pornographic literature, the clear next step was a podcast. Debuting in 2015, each show is a chapter of the incredible and impossibly bad Belinda Blinked, written by Morton’s father under the pen name Rocky Flintstone (hilarious). Morton and two of his longtime friends, TV exec James Cooper and BBC Radio 1 presenter Alice Levine, attempt to make their way through the chapters without spending too much time laughing. Trust me, you’ll be laughing just as much. 

 

“It’s basically just me and my two mates reading and dissecting my dad’s terrible attempts at writing erotica, and trying to turn people on, which he is just unbelievably bad at,” says Morton. “I mean he’s kind of the worst writer in England. He makes E. L. James look like Jane Austen.”

 

With over 100 million downloads since its premiere, the podcast is now going on tour, beginning on February 22nd in Los Angeles before continuing onward to San Francisco, New York, Toronto, Boston, Washington DC, and Chicago. Regarding taking the erotic readings on tour, Morton says:

 

The live show is an absolute raucous night out, really. We read an exclusive chapter, that my dad thought was too bad to include in any of the books, which gives you an idea of how terrible it is/amazing it is. So we basically read that out, dissect it, then we bring people up onstage and reenact things, to show how physically impossible his sexual situations really are. It’s a really fun show, and it’s gone down really well in the U.K. and in Australia, so hopefully the Americans are going to like it.

 

So how did Morton first discover his father’s porno? Dear old dad sent him pages, of course! “I took them to lunch with my friends and I was like, ‘You’ll never guess, my dad’s written what he thinks is erotica,’” he says. “We basically did what we do on the podcast. I read it out, and we all just started chipping in with our thoughts and our comments. At that moment, we kind of realized, ‘Oh, if we find these funny, I’m sure other people will find it funny.’ So we started the podcast.”

 

The iconic Belinda Blinked has since turned into a series, with the first three of which are available for purchase.

 

“Oh my god, we can’t stop him writing them,” he says. “He’s written so many, it’s amazing. He wrote four before we started doing the podcast, so we’ve got one more season about the ‘pure’ books, as we call them, which is coming out later this year. Then, he’s just carried on writing. I think he’s on book seven or eight now. I actually lose count. But, yes, he’s very motivated to carry on writing!”

 

So what are you waiting for? Go give it a listen!!

 

Featured Image via My Dad Wrote a Porno.

sexy witch

NSFW: What Goes Down at a Harry Potter-Themed Sex Party

Yesterday, I found one of the best op-ed pieces I’ve seen in a while on The Bold Italic, entitled “I Went to a Harry Potter–Themed Sex Party”. The author, who took on the pen name Luna Nymphadora, went to a Harry Potter-themed sex party, and the article itself is quite the ride. It’s (obviously) a little risqué, but hey, that’s what makes it fun, right? I fully recommend reading the whole article.

 

But just in case you don’t want to, here are ten excerpts, mildly paraphrased, to paint you one hell of a ridiculous picture.

 

1. My eyes widened as I took in what was happening around me. In one corner, a leather-clad man whipping welts into the bare back of his chained-up boyfriend. […] There was a woman bent over a spanking horse in the middle of the room, sobbing like Moaning Myrtle. This scene continued to unfold to the whimsical beat of a song from the Harry Potter soundtrack.

 

Harry Potter gif

Gif via We Heart It

 

2. I looked over at my friend Padma and wondered if she was feeling the same way as me—a combination of morbid fascination, slight arousal and amusement at the fact that we were spending our Friday night together at a Harry Potter–themed BDSM party.

 

3. One of my friends stumbled across an Eventbrite listing called “Chamber of Secrets: A Harry Potter–Inspired BDSM/Kink Party.” The absurdity of the event description (“Whip out your wands and join us for a magical play party. Whether you’re a Muggle or a wizard, this party is for you. We don’t care if you got your Hogwarts letter—you are welcome here,” plus free Butterbeer!) was more than enough to get me to purchase tickets. 

 

Harry Potter gif

Gif via Buzzfeed

 

4. I opted for a hot-pink wig (inspired by the character Tonks), a black corset, lace stockings, black wizard robes and the wand that my friends had surprised me with on my 30th birthday at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios Hollywood. Padma wore a long purple wig, a sexy low-cut black top, a fitted skirt and heels. We decided to nix the black-lace eye masks I had purchased from Amazon. They were too Fifty Shades of Grey for this occasion.

 

5. Haven is one of San Francisco’s newest dungeons, located on Folsom Street in SOMA, an area known for its high concentration of kinky venues and the annual BDSM festival Folsom Street Fair. It’s also completely unmarked from the outside and located right next to a pizza parlor.

 

6. Upstairs past the reception, about 10 people were hanging out and admiring each other’s costumes. I was surprised to see that the majority of costumes were not kinky, so I felt a little like an outsider in my cleavage-baring corset and lace thigh-high stockings. One guy was dressed as Dobby the House Elf, complete with floppy felt ears and a ratty towel tied like a toga, and his partner was dressed as Dumbledore without a beard. 

 

Dumbledore gif

Gif via Harry Potter Wiki

 

7. If you didn’t know any better, this could’ve been a 12-year-old’s Harry Potter–themed birthday party.

 

8. It was fun trying out the sex swing, but at that point, I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed by just how tame everything was. That thought was quickly interrupted by the sounds of a cracking whip and moans of a man in excruciating pain coming from downstairs.

 

9. Once the novelty of being at a Harry Potter–themed sex party wore off and the smell of sickly sweet Butterbeer combined with bodily fluids started to become overwhelming, Padma and I decided to call it a night after just a little over an hour. She went home to have sex with her boyfriend, and I was sadly disappointed by going home alone. After weeks of excited anticipation over fantasizing about all the things that could have happened that night, having it end with me watching the newest season of Grace and Frankie on Netflix (while trying to drown out the sound of my roommate having sex with his girlfriend) felt like a bummer.

 

10. If I were to go to another sex party again, Harry Potter–themed or otherwise, I’d want to go with a sex partner. After all, it’s much more fun to play Quidditch than to watch from the sidelines.

 

Gif via Giphy

 

Featured iImage Via Imgur