Tag: humor

Here’s the Weirdest, Most Disturbing Harry Potter Merch Online

If you’ve spent any time in fandom spaces on the Internet, you’ll know how weird things can get. And you’ll also know this terrifying truth: things can always get weirder. These five pieces of Harry Potter merchandise might make you want to Ravenclaw your eyes out… or maybe you’ll want to throw in some galleons to have them as your own.

 

1. Underwear

 

Harry Potter themed underwear reading "Chamber of Secrets"

Image Via Amazon

 

Once the Internet figured out ‘Chamber of Secrets’ made a great euphemism for any number of orifices (okay, really two in particular) the onslaught began. And once people figured out you could slyther in said chamber… it was all over. Maybe this Harry Potter underwear will help you LITERALLY keep it in your pants. If you think this pun somehow isn’t sexy enough for your own personal needs, there’s always the underrated “whorecrux.” (But all jokes aside, you can buy that online as well.)

 

2. Cigarette case

 

Marauder's Map themed cigarette case

Image Via Amazon

 

It must be pretty stressful at Hogwarts knowing that your school is full of trolls, giant serpents, and honestly, some pretty rude teachers. Fortunately, the wiz-kids can kick back with some… cigarettes? While it’s true that the books were set in the 90s—before smoking was banned on international flights—it’s pretty unlikely that you’d be able to sneak a smoke at Hogwarts with all the paintings watching. This particular cigarette case features a Marauder’s Map interior, presumably to remind young witches and wizards that they’re Up To No Good. It’s the magical equivalent of the Surgeon General’s warning.

 

3. Dobby’s mounted head

 

Dobby's mounted head replica

Image Via Huffington Post

 

If reading about and then actually watching Dobby die wasn’t traumatizing enough, don’t worry! There’s plenty more where that came from. You too can now own a wall mount of Dobby’s presumably taxidermied head to remind you that life isn’t fair and death is inevitable.

 

4. Vibrating Nimbus 2000

 

A graphic describes how the toy broomstick was used as a sex toy

Image Via KickassFacts

 

One of the worst things about the vibrating Nimbus 2000 is that it wasn’t supposed to do the thing you’re obviously realizing it could do. The worst thing is that, unlike the other items on this list, it was official Harry Potter merchandise—and it was for kids. Mattel pulled the toy from shelves after a horrifying epiphany you can probably imagine for yourself. But you probably wouldn’t have imagined that Mattel only caught onto the truth when sex shops began selling the (adult) toy. To emphasize just how bad of a mistake this was, let’s take a look at some customer reviews:

 

Reviewers describe the vibrating Harry Potter broomstick

 

Another thrilled reviewer fails to recognize that the Harry Potter broomstick is a sex toy

 

Talk about Harry Potter and the Goblet of you’re fired. The product is still available on eBay.

 

5. Common-room scented candles

 

Bookstr-gryffindor-common-room-candle

Image Via Etsy

 

The candles were a sweet idea. They were a nice try. But let’s face it—the Gryffindor common room is full of sweaty middle-school boys. If it smells like anything, it’s socks and B.O… and, apparently, cigarettes. (Though, for the record, this candle does look like it smells much better than a dorm full of twelve-year-olds ever would.)

 

Image Via Whatculture.com

Meet the Funniest New Twitter Parody Account: Bougie London Literary Woman

You all know the Twitter account Guy in Your MFA, mostly because you don’t need to be in an MFA program to know “that guy.” He loves cigarettes, whiskey, and writing complex stories misconstruing women he has met once—or, better yet, has never even spoken to. This behavior, of course, is a natural extension of his genius and comes from no deeper flaw. If you’re pretty but not pretty enough to be threatening, he might let you listen to him talk about his unpublished novel for five hours before never texting you again.

 

Guy In Your MFA@GuyInYourMFA

Just because I drink 6 glasses of whiskey alone every night doesn’t mean I’m an “alcoholic.” It means I’m an artist. Did I write anything last night? no, I passed out and vomited on my mattress but what does that matter

277 people are talking about this

 

The writer behind Guy in Your MFA, Dana Schwarz, has two published novels—and another parody Twitter account. Dystopian YA Novel depicts a grim reality in which writers can only lazily allude to poverty and racism without ever actually acknowledging what real racism and poverty look like. Also, ordinary words have capital letters to let you know they’re Significant.

 

Dystopian YA Novel@DystopianYA

I, an attractive white girl, am the person most at risk under this authoritarian regime.

1,717 people are talking about this

 

Now there’s a new literary Twitter on the scene… even if this character probably has an “old soul.” Bougie London Literary Woman made her debut in November 2018, even if she’s spent far longer strolling the nighttime London promenades, watching the lamplight run across the stone like water. Or whatever literary types do to stay inspired. The mysterious fictional woman describes herself as “a twenty-something seabird adrift on the tides of London. Can be found devouring literature, swimming wild, and scribbling.” The owners of the account are currently unknown, though the bio reassures fans: “a man is not behind this account dw.” Highlights include:

 

Bougie London Literary Woman@BougieLitWoman

Thrilled to have finally contracted this season’s cough; it plays so perfectly into my fantasy of being the glamorously consumptive daughter in a country house novel

106 people are talking about this

 

Bougie London Literary Woman@BougieLitWoman

A eureka moment in packing for my weekend away! I shall eschew all clothing to make more room in my trunk for books, and go nude but for an overcoat and a sharp brogue

38 people are talking about this

 

Bougie London Literary Woman@BougieLitWoman

Madly besotted with my silver-backed hairbrush, and I spend the dying hours of each day watching the clock ‘til I can tend to my mane with a hundred strokes before bed. I suspect I shall be unable to resist doing so by candlelight

20 people are talking about this

 

The account’s recent popularity means that the mystery women behind Bougie London Literary Woman (yes, we do know there are multiple people!) has garnered an interview with The Guardian. The Literary Women answered lighthearted questions while remaining in character: when asked “Smythson or Moleskine?” the character responded, “I buy all my stationery in Florence; English paper lacks a certain verve.”

"You're so fucking classy"

Gif Via Tenor.com

The most surprising detail in the interview isn’t actually that surprising at all: the account gets lots of a certain kind of male attention… “which goes to show that even if you are an explicitly fictional, non-existent parody woman, you somehow still get DM slides from creepy men.” Maybe such glamorous adversities will help inspire the characters’ undoubtedly sprawling novel one day.

Featured Image Via WordPress.com

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Hilarious Questions People Asked NYPL Librarians

Before there was Google, where did people go for answers to their obscure, specific, and sometimes alarming questions? They went to the library.

 

Before Google gave us an easy way to search for information on basically anything without moving more than our fingers, the only way to access a comparable repository of documents was through a visit to the library. One academic says that Google has cut down on research time by 80%, simply because she does not have to make a trip to the library every time she needs more information. And the public could submit questions for librarians to find answers to.

 

A few years ago, the New York Public Library rediscovered a box of cards with these questions, spanning from the ’40s to the ’80s. A lot of them look just like the sort of question you’d enter into Google today.

 

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Image Via NYPL

“Where can I get all available statistics on volume of business, money involved, etc. in the sale of cadavers?

 

Okay, I’ll give this person the benefit of the doubt – maybe they’re just curious, maybe they’re a journalist or writing a book. But the card says the question was an “inquiry at the desk”. I would have been more than a little nervous if I were the librarian at the desk that day.

 

Here are some other weird and funny questions:

 

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Image Via NYPL

“Does the female human being belong to the mammal class?”

 

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Image Via NYPL

“Have you ever been a mother?”

“No.”

“Well, you are a lucky girl!!!”

 

Others include:

  • “How many neurotic people in US”

  • “Why do 18th Century English paintings have so many squirrels in them, and how did they tame them so that they wouldn’t bite the painter?”

  • “List of famous men born prematurely”

  • “Can mice ‘throw up’?”

  • “May a funeral be held July 4?”

  • “If a poisonous snake bites itself, will it die?”

  • “Is it proper to go alone to Reno to get a divorce?”

  • “Charles Darwin’s book. Oranges & peaches.” [What they mean is On the Origin of Species.]

  • “A man wanted to know about a poem, ‘The rime of the ancient mariner,’ by Tennyson, he thinks. Anyway, it begins, ‘I must go down to the sea again.'” [NYPL notes: “Well, there’s The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, or there’s the poem that begins “I must go down to the seas again,” which is Sea Fever by John Masefield, or there’s plenty of good poetry by Alfred Tennyson, as well.”]

  • “‘Can you give me a reference book listing the colors of different countries?”‘…I thought reader was confused and meant colors of flags and started to direct her accordingly….But no. She wanted one identifying color for each country and finally siad, ‘If Harvard is red and Yale is blue, then what color are the United States and France?'”

  • “Do you have information about permanent people?”

  • “A book on how to grow hair on your chest?”

  • “What is Marx’s latest work? El Capitan?”

  • “Where in New York can I get an original gold nugget?”

  • “What is the difference between pig and pork?”

  • “Life cycle of an eye-brow hair.”

  • “Asked for nutritional value of human flesh”

  • “Where in New York City can I rent a beagle for hunting?”

  • “What is the name of the Fresh Water fish?”

  • “Does Decoration Day commemorate the Decoration of Independence?”

  • “When was the Battle of Armageddon fought, and who won – what was the outcome?”

  • “When did Moses first come into the public eye?”

  • “Where may I take a correspondence course in hypnotism?”

  • “Any statistics on the lifespan of the abandoned woman?”

  • “Are Plato, Aristotle and Socrates one and the same person?”

  • “Where rent a guillotine?”

  • “Is it possible to keep an octopus in a private home?”

  • “Can the N.Y.P.L. recommend a good forger?”

  • “Please give me the name of a book that dramatizes bedbugs?” 

 

 

Which hilarious question is your favorite?

 

Feature Image Via NYPL

the onion

7 Literature-Related Satire Articles to Make You Cackle

I don’t know about you, but I love satire! I especially love reading articles à la Reductress or The Onion that are so, intensely relatable, dark, funny, and unreal.

 

It’s healthy to laugh at yourself and the people you respect and love (also the people you don’t respect or love, too, because political satire has been on-point lately, let’s be real here). And, if you happen to be someone who has yet to veer deep into the depths of satire domain, I highly recommend it. It’s just fun, cathartic, and can definitely help lighten your mood. 

 

So, kick off your heels, lean your seat back, stare intently into your computer screen, and enjoy these seven incredibly perfect satirical articles centered around literature!

 

Goody Introduces New Line Of Governess Hairbrushes For Raking Across The Scalps Of Insolent Little Girls – The Onion

 

Goody

Image via The Onion

 

The new reinforced handles can withstand being drawn roughly through the knotted hair of a horrid, filthy creature hundreds of times, and the extra-coarse bristles will quickly dislodge any grass or other debris that has become entangled due to unladylike frolicking in the meadow beyond the wall.

 

Amazing: This Charity Teaches Illiterate Adults About The Intricacies Of The New York Literary Scene – Clickhole

 

Clickhole

Image via Clickhole

 

And the learning goes beyond the classroom: Well Read also offers field trips to the Men’s Wearhouse where Tom Wolfe bought his iconic white suit. Who says adult education can’t be a little fun?

 

Tattoos That Seem Edgy Until You Realize They’re Harry Potter References – Reductress

 

Reductress

Image via Reductress

Next time you spot a tat on a burly dude that says, “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” don’t immediately assume it’s a Ramones lyric and this guy is about to kiss you hard then whisk you away on his motorcycle. In reality, he spent his childhood reading the Harry Potter series in which a magical map can only be opened if you say these words out loud while tapping your wand delicately on the parchment.

 

E3 Organizers Cancel Convention After Discovering Immersive Power Of Literature – The Onion

 

The Onion

Image via The Onion

 

 At press time, Microsoft, Nintendo, and Sony issued a joint press statement confirming they had canceled all future game development and would instead issue leather-bound editions of the world’s literary classics.

 

How to Avoid Catcallers by Shouting ‘Chim Chim Cheree! Are You Me New Dad? – Reductress

 

Reductress

Image via Reductress

 

Would-be catcallers will refrain from saying sexual, invasive comments, and instead say, “Is she a chimney sweep? Is she a Dickensian orphan? Is she in community theater?” Be sure to bring work shoes to change into later!

 

Exonerated: This Convicted Murderer Was Released From Prison After 20 Years When An Online Quiz Sorted Him Into Gryffindor – Clickhole

 

Clickhole

Image via Clickhole

 

“Gryffindor is the home of the best and bravest of the wizarding world, and the fact that Mr. Anderson was assigned to this house by an online quiz makes it clear that he couldn’t possibly have committed an act as terrible as murder,” said Judge Sonia Sandhu, announcing her decision to overturn Walter’s guilty verdict from 1998.

 

My Mom Keeps Trying to Marry Me Off to a Mean Lord – Reductress

 

Reductress

Image via Reductress

 

I used to love visiting my parent’s house in Racine, Wisconsin. Now, whenever I’m visiting, their house is full of evil, conniving lords who want to insult my piano playing or say that I’m “rather opinionated for someone so plain-looking”. Ugh, I can’t stand having to endure high tea with mean-ass lord after mean-ass lord! Does my mom even understand me at all?

 

Now, go forth and enjoy your weekend, you wild buncha bookworms!

 

Via GIPHY

 

 

 

Featured Image Via The Onion