halloween eve

5 Finely Aged ‘Cask of the Amontillado’ Memes

Remember when The Cask of the Amontillado memes came back and crushed the scene for no reason? Those were good times, and they’re not gone. In fact, I have cases of Amontillado memes. Right this way, they’re just at the back of my cellar.

 

Um… Excuse me.

 

Image via Imgur

 

Who would lock him up? You’re a monster if you don’t protect him. Look how baby he is! I’m shook. Come to think of it, he definitely shouldn’t be drinking wine either. Let him out, pat him on the head, and get him something dogs like to drink instead. The look on his face is priceless. So polite. Like… pardon? I may have a problem? The little paw too, he just conveys so much with so little space. I don’t care how much he wronged me, I’d just keep bearing those affronts. I would gladly let him kill me.

 

 

Why do I Never See That Guy Anymore?

 

Image via Know Your Meme

 

Fortunato? Well, I certainly didn’t murder him, if that’s what you mean! Are you asking if I lured him down to the cellar and knocked him out? Don’t be ridiculous! Where would you even get that idea? I certainly didn’t build a wall over him so he’ll die slowly entombed in the earth. You guys have a lot of questions, lol. So specific! Why would I pretend to be his friend, secretly hate him, and then plot to get him drunk and murder him? You’re a riot.

 

 

The Internet is GOOD

 

Image via Tumblr

 

People say that phones would ruin classic media, but people are wrong. Can you believe this? Imagine all that nonsense, then Fortunato sobers up a little and realizes he’s got his cellphone. The sheer silliness appeals terribly to the post-absurdist sensibility we’ve got going these days. I also really appreciate the anticlimax. Oh god, he walled him in! Wait, wait, he’s got his cellphone. It’s fine. PEAK COMEDY, I tell you. What did we do before Twitter?

 

 

You Know the Look

 

  
Image via Twitter

 

I don’t even know where to go from here, to be perfectly honest. How can something that’s borderline incoherent be so funny? Who gave it the right? Memes have gotten so abstract in the hundred-seventy-three-years since this was published. Why did this become a craze? Were people like ‘you know what’s relevant to the modern world? A sedate story about wine and revenge from over a hundred-fifty-years ago’. It’s a spicy take.

 

 

We’ve All Been There

Image via Imgur

Does anybody remember this show? And could you possibly explain to me why every single train had the worst personality ever put to film? I wasn’t rooting for any of those jerks. And what could possibly be the situation pictured here? Are they actually cask-of-the-amontillato-ing a guy? He doesn’t exactly look comfortable with whatever’s going on. These are children’s books, for goodness’ sake. Did they really just go, ‘I know what’s good for this kid’s book! Murder!’ Ahead of their time, I guess?

 

 

Featured image via Tumblr 

5 Worst Horror Book Covers

Halloween is such a great season for scares, but what’s really scary is that a whole team approved these book covers for publication. I don’t know if these books are good, but I do know if I pulled any of them off a shelf they’d go right back there. Caution—they get increasingly stupid as you go down the list.

 

I’m So Scared… I guess…

 

Image via Too Much Horror Fiction

 

Is that a German shepherd? Even if it’s supposed to be a wolf, I’ve got some questions. Firstly, is this an entire book about a dog being evil or something? Putting aside the fact that ALL DOGS ARE GOOD, what can one dog actually effectively terrorize? A small colony of rabbits? Not to be dark, but hit that mangy upstart with your car and book over. I know I’m ignoring the elephant in the room, and sure, the doll’s at least broken, but I’m more alarmed by the fact that someone had a ceramic doll with a cheap weave. And are we sure the dog isn’t doing us a solid? That thing looks possessed.

 

 

Who is She?

 

Image via Spine Cracker

 

Not sure where to start. What’s that over the baby’s crib anyway? It’s not a mobile. Is it just a string of beads the size of oranges? Does being dead allow you to replace a bead with your head? It’s a specific power, but I guess I wouldn’t say no if someone offered it. Again, though, I’m ignoring the most mind blowing part. The tagline. I’m actually quaking, though I don’t think the fear of inconsistencies is the kind of terror they were going for. Listen. Listen to me. Look at that hair. Decadent? Decadent?!?! She doesn’t even have conditioner and they’re describing her as ‘so decadent?’ Seductive! I feel like there’s a lot to unpack, but I’m at a loss for words. Why is she balding?

 

 

Illustration is My Passion

 

Image via Horror Novel Review

 

They really did Stephen King like that. Stephen King! Say it with me. Respect. Genre. Fiction. What’s even going on here? The floating face is bad. I feel like someone needs to say that. His clothes are shredded, although maybe his jeans started distressed anyway. He’s not scratched up though! Whatever mauled him was like… panther attack, but make it fashion. I mean, it tells you nothing about the book, or at least, it doesn’t say anything to me, not having read it. But it goes further than that, and actively confuses me. What’s the threat? Witchcraft? Werewolves? He’s screaming but he hasn’t got so much as a scratch.

 

 

Wait a Second

 

Image via Good Show Sir

 

American Gothic, but like, a skeleton and also worse. But wait. What’s that there? Does the skeleton man… have a lobster claw? I’ve got to be honest, I’ve got no idea on this one. It’s like the Flying Dutchman, but in Michigan? I don’t know anything about lakes, but the internet says that they don’t have lobsters, so what, is this an oceanic curse that was like, you know what? I need to see the tulip festival. I now know about twice as much about Michigan as I used to. I still have no idea what’s going on. The barn has ghost crayfish? Something about that skull looks wrong, if I’m real.

 

 

Best Idea Ever

 

Image via Twitter

 

To be a fly on the wall in this pitch meeting. “Alright, hear me out: quicksand, but it’s sexy.” I mean the slime, the nudity, I’m not sure if they’re going to hang that guy or if he’s into it, and are those swamp monsters in the background? Skeletons? I just realized the naked woman has a sword. Is she beheading zombies in that getup? She’s like, sure this dress is see through, but if I’m going to effectively machete supernatural horrors, I need to be wearing LESS clothing. I feel like ‘sucking’ is also a little silly of a word if you want us to take this threat seriously. And what does it do? Follow you around trying to absorb you?

 

 

Featured Image via Wallpaper Access