Sex scenes are pretty common in fanfic, although they're usually written by people who've either never had sex before, or people who have no idea how the human body works.
Happy birthday Internet! Today the Internet turns thirty-years-old. It’s been a long thirty years. In fact, I barely a remember a time before the Internet, but I’m only twenty-two.
In a nutshell, the Internet has done a lot for us. Some good, some bad, but mostly it gave us neutral tools that we, as a collective, outright abused. So thank you, Internet for these 10 things you gave us!
10. It’s easier to buy books
Can you image going outside of your house and looking for a book, traversing through dark and shady bookstores, digging in trashcans looking for that one book? Well not anymore! Thanks to various sites, and the websites belonging to independent bookstores, we can now just simply type in the name of the book and find the best deal available!
Or, on the flip side, we can spend hours on the internet looking through every book in existence for the book that just catches our eyes.
Support indie bookstores though. For real.
The only issue is having to wait to get the book. No more grabbing the book and leaving. Nope! Our primary mode of buying contains a lot of waiting.
9. Easier to sell books
I got these piles of books and I want to get rid of them. Do I throw them out? Nah, I need some cash to buy some other books, and maybe pay off my student loans. What to do, what to do?
Well, thanks to the internet I can go online and sell the books. Millions of people just like me are looking to buy books and I might have what they’re looking for! And the odds are higher than when before the internet was around, given those millions of people I mentioned before.
Have you written a book and you can’t just wait for the public to read it? Having trouble finding an agent or publisher? Well, self-publishing might be for you.
You have more creative control and, according to Editage, “Traditionally published books have a limited shelf life in the bookstore and are periodically removed to make way for newly published books. Self-published books, on the other hand, are always available in online bookstores and can be discovered and purchased months and years after the book is published.”
The cons? The bookstore’s won’t see your book unless you get traditionally published, but at least they will always be in the online store! Plus, you get immediate statistics on who bought your book.
But be wary: There are a lot of scams out there. As with everywhere on the internet.
7. Traditional Publishing
There are a lot of working parts to make a book a reality. The writer has to maintain contact with their agent, their cover designer, their editors. All these moving parts, and no easy way to stay in contact.
Not anymore. Thanks to the internet, you can just email all these people.
Haven’t been published but have a ready manuscript? Then you have to pitch your book. Back in the day writers sent out letters:
No longer. Well it’s an option, but why not just email them? It’s quick, easy, and costs nothing.
In 2012 The Pew Research Center found that in February that 21% of adults in America were reading from an e-readers.
And why wouldn’t they? E-readers take up a lot less space than books, you can fit them all on your tablet, and many more books are available at the tip of your finger. As long as your tablet is charged, then you have not only one book for your commute, but an entire library.
Imagine if you had to carry your entire library with you?
It would only be better if the books actually read themselves to you. Oh wait…
You can buy a book and a celebrity will read it to you! It’s like when you were a kid and you had a bedtime story, except this time you’ve never met this person! Plus, all these listenable books are ready with only a touch. You can fit as many as you like in your phone, so no “My house is filled with all these gigantic books” problems.
Now when you go to the gym, you can have earbuds and listen to your books.
Isn’t that great? And going off the “I’m at the gym working out and I’m reading” motif, you can read and do many other things. Multitasking for the win. Complex has you covered with a top 10 list of books you can listen to while driving.
The Times even found that “[commuters who may not have picked up a paperback since leaving university are increasingly listening to audiobooks on the way to work as it is seen as more relaxing than reading.”
The best part? All these listenable books are ready with only a touch. According to National Public Radio, “Now they’re a $1 billion industry with more than 35,000 titles published in 2013 alone.”
Unless you bought a book and it doesn’t have an audio book. Then you’re stuck to doing things the old fashioned way, like a peasant.
Why stop at listening to someone reading a book when you can listen to people talk about books. Podcasts have you covered.
Here The Guardian lists ten (Ten!) places where you can listen to your book talk. Reviews, discussions, podcasts have them all.
It’s the largest site for readers. Need to know how far you are in your current book? Goodreads give you a percentage. Need to know how long you’ve been reading Game of Thrones?
Goodreads gives you the date you started. Need a book recommendation? Need to see what your friends are reading? Goodreads is the Facebook for book readers. Thank you Internet.
2. Fan Fiction
Now you can share your Harry Potter fan-fiction and you can read other people’s Lord of the Rings fan-fiction. You can flex your creative muscles, to stain those the calves of those sentences, to tighten those wordy hamstrings, training you to become the new generation of writers.
Plus you can change the ending to Game of Thrones if you don’t like it. (You might not like it.)What could be better?
The Best Thing Ever
Are you ready?
Be warned, this is by far the best thing the Internet has ever given us….
You sure you’re ready?
Proceed and feast your eyes upon…
What if I told you there’s a whole world of fanfiction out there dedicated to sexualizing the Harry Potter series? Well, it’s there. And I found it. If no part of you is curious about this, turn back now. But if you’re vaguely curious about what your fellow Potterheads have invented, please continue. It’s hilarious.
1. Harry and Mrs. Weasley
VenomBat22’s Harry’s Sex Year is a proper novel. It’s essentially a 53,000-word sex scene in which Harry has sex with every conceivable character. One of the most quality scenes is between Harry and Mrs. Weasley, in which Mrs. Weasley blackmails Harry into having sex with her. Let it be known, this sort of behavior cannot and will not be condoned. In fact, I’d be inclined to agree with VenomBat22’s Harry when he says to Mrs. Weasley, “You are so devious!” Check out the scene here. For now, though, enjoy this brief excerpt.
He could sense that she was getting excited, so he picked up the speed on his licks. Molly shrieked loudly as he did this, even holding his head at her entrance. She rested her hand and calmed down, saying he was close. As he let her legs down, he was happy that he actually had a chance to be doing this, fucking an older woman. She kept her legs spread and Harry knew what she wanted.
2. Hermione and Neville
Following up his smash hit Harry’s Sex Year, VenomBat22 penned the epic Hermione Granger and the Order of Sex, in which Hermione has sex with a lot of people. In an attempt to form a covert wizarding army during Dolores Umbridge’s strict reign, Hermione scouts for recruits. Her first candidate is Neville Longbottom. He is, logically, reluctant to join the army. So, again operating logically, Hermione has sex with him. The ensuing sex scene is—well, I’m not sure if it’s good, but it does exist. It’s also weirdly moving. Here it is in its totality, and, again, here’s the wonderful way it ends.
“It was that great, wasn’t it?” she chuckled.
“I finally lost my virginity to my crush.”
“You had a crush on me?” she blushed.
“Yeah,” he said nervously.
“I’m flattered.” he said kissing him. “I really am.”
3. Hermione and Draco
It would appear that fanfiction erotica circles are really into the pairing of Hermione and Draco (aka Dramione), which I now know. Cheryl Dyson’s “The Ladder” couples the two in a library. Things get risque. Draco refers to Hermione’s breasts as “cauldrons.” Dyson’s sex scene is a little anatomical, but she plays it much slower than VenomBat22. The result is a kind of biological description of sex between an unlikely pair, but it weirdly works. Below is an excerpt, but you can read the story in full here.
Malfoy’s hands gripped her thighs almost painfully and she wrapped her legs around his naked hips. He thrust forward in a fantastic rhythm, earning a cry from Hermione at every jolt of bliss, until an astounding orgasm exploded through her. She bit into the corded muscle that bound his neck to his shoulder, shuddering with the impact of his last few strokes.
4. Neville and Luna
In “What if I Do it Wrong?” writer snarkysweetness asks the important question: What does first-time magic sex look like? The answer is that it’s oddly endearing. Luna and Neville, in snarkysweetness’ eyes, are a patient, delightfully awkward couple. This is notably less graphic than the rest of the list, as snarkysweetness seems to have taken on the challenge of never using any words that mean penis or vagina. The scene might be a little too PG-13 to some readers as a result, but judge for yourself. Here’s the story in full, and here’s an excerpt so you can see what I’m talking about.
He moved his hand around until he heard another loud moan escape her lips. He rubbed the small area above where her opening was. Neville wondered what she tasted like, and hoped he got to find out soon.
5. Harry, Ginny, and also Draco
Yeah, so the world of Harry Potter fanfiction erotica is a large one that includes many different interests. TigerLilly8806’s “A Nightly Stroll” follows Harry on a late, sleepless night as he accidentally catches Ginny and Draco together in a classroom. Instead of being taken over with jealousy, he joins in. Again, logic is at work! In any case, the three have sex. Check out the story here, and here’s the really, really bizarre ending.
“You guys look cute together,” Harry said abruptly. Before Draco or Ginny could say anything Harry threw the cloak on again and slowly backed out of the room.
Feature Image Via Tor
As far as fictitious universes go, George R. R. Martin’s wonderful world of Thrones probably spawns the most fan theories. They fly like moths, and like moths to a flame, they conglomerate on the internet. With so many buzzing around, it’s hard to parse the legitimate predictions from bewildering fanfiction. Reddit does a good job of separating the two camps, and redditor thetripleb has shared his various predictions on how HBO’s adaptation will end. At least one of them seems pretty likely, and, if it comes to pass, it’ll be exhilarating.
Game of Thrones season seven spoilers below. You have been warned…
We last left King’s Landing with Jaime parting ways with Cersei, who revealed she had no plans on helping Jon Snow with his fight against the Night King. Jaime had other plans. According to reddit user thetripleb, Jaime will “convince at least a contingent, if not the entire Lannister Army to join him in going North.” Makes sense since he’s a war hero and a revered military leader. Jaime, then, will help Jon Snow and the North defend against the oncoming White Walker scourge. Likely, they’ll succeed combating the Night King’s wave of White Walkers who we last saw walking through the Wall.
Meanwhile, losing one of King’s Landing’s greatest military assets will leave Cersei relatively exposed. The Night King, on undead Viserion’s winged back, will use this vulnerability to his advantage and fly “south and destroy King’s Landing, trading his army of 100,000 for the 1,000,000 in King’s Landing including Cersei.” King’s Landing, then, will be under the Night King’s control. He will sit on the Iron Throne. Or, more likely, destroy it during his siege. Who will sit on the Iron Throne then? Nobody because the Night King will incinerate it.
If you remain unconvinced, the show has been hinting at a snow-covered King’s Landing for a while. In season two, while she was in the House of the Undying, Daenerys saw visions of a snowy Iron Throne. Bran had a similar winter-themed vision of King’s Landing in season four, and saw a dragon flying over King’s Landing simultaneously. Granted, we did see Daenerys fly Drogon into King’s Landing in the season seven finale, all evidence seems to suggest a snowy day for Cersei.
So it seems like this redditor’s predictions are, at least partially, very likely. However, he goes on to make some riskier guesses as to what the end will hold. For one, he thinks Dany will get pregnant with Jon’s child (or children), but die in childbirth, leaving Jon to raise Dany’s kids on his own. This seems a little too sentimental and bittersweet for the GoT writers, though. They generally avoid bittersweet feelings in favor of just bitter feelings. It seems more likely that Dany will indeed get pregnant with Jon’s children, but then the entire new family will, I don’t know, die in a house fire or something. Or actually Dany’s immune to fire damage, so maybe they drown.
In any case, let us know if you’re buying into thetripleb’s predictions. If not, let us know how you think HBO’s take on Game of Thrones will end!
Let me walk you through an impossible world of edible Tuscan delicacies. It is a garden of olives where no olives grow. It is a land of bottomless salad and infinite breadsticks. It is, of course, the one and only (with over 800 locations in North America) Olive Garden.
The story begins on October 3rd, when Eater published an essay titled ‘Christ in the Garden of Endless Breadsticks’ by Helen Rosner. In it, Rosner writes with deliciously poetic ear about the wonders of Olive Garden. Of particular interest to the internet was this line: “There is only one Olive Garden, but it has a thousand doors.”
The line captured readers’ interest to such an extent that Rosner was inspired to create a contest around it. A fan fiction contest.
Holy crap I will buy dinner for 4 at Olive Garden for anyone who writes a real short story with this as the opening line https://t.co/7TUpKQFn1L
— Helen Rosner (@hels) October 3, 2017
Rosner offered to bring the first four entrants out for a dinner to, naturally, Olive Garden. This impromptu Olive Garden fan fiction contest spawned some wonderfully odd tales. Development writer Genevieve Oliver wrote, “‘The breadsticks. Are they any good?’” Yes, Genevieve. The breadsticks are good. Very much so.
Forbes humorist Curtis Døde Aldri wrote and won one of the four dinners to Olive Garden. When Rosner invited Aldri, he responded, “I wouldn’t eat at Olive Garden if someone held me at gunpoint. I did it for the lolz.”
All right, Aldri. You live that weird life of yours over there, where you probably eat bad things like actual olives.
If you’d like to read through all of the amazing Olive Garden fanfiction, check out the replies to Rosner’s initial tweet posted above. And if you’d like to produce your own Olive Garden-inspired prose, just remember that your imagination is as boundless as their breadsticks.
Feature Image Via CNBC