This weekend was an interesting one. I turned twenty-six, I also got an unsolicited email from a man who found me through Instagram.
Unsolicited emails, texts, conversations, touches, etc. etc. etc., are unfortunately, nothing new for many women. By merely existing, we are subject to other people deciding that we are worth their copy-and-pasted suggestions of love, and that they are worth our time and attention.
Favorite excerpts from my email are as follows:
I was born into the _____ family in the year 1967 December 12th, i am the only child of my both parents,daddy was an addict to all ind of drugs, mum sold jewelries she had a pawn shop where she buys and sells jewelries she relocate to USA after divorce. mum dad separated when I was 12 year old, daddy wanted me to stay with him and they had a fight at the court over me which mummy won the case because she was in better position to take care of me. I never like my dad but didn’t hate him either, few years later he died from a severe heart attack caused by lsd and i continued my college in Tennessee where mummy lived and does her jewel business going on for years and joined the Lord 2005.
Shoutout to this dude for providing me with his family background.
i’m hoping to find a life with someone I don’t care relocating to anywhere in the world after retirement I just need a happy life and travel round the world. For foods I like Mexican food ,I like sandwich and hate anything salty e.g saidines,I love home made meals but for over a year now i have miss that and my stomach fights me now I’ll need a vacation babe i really need that but can’t at this times because my year is already occupied no time for me even ?it’s crazy but I love it.I love to travel ,I love heights, I love biking so much, hiking
And here’s where I’ve discovered I truly am incompatible with my new boo thang – he’s not a fan of salty foods. I, for one, love sardines, despite my new-found-love’s dislike for anything salty, specifically ‘saidines’.
i have had 3 relationships all my life but none lasted because I never had time for them as i could be at anywhere anytime.relationship was stress to me as i was not used to sharing my time with someone else but like every other guy I had to have a girlfriend so I searched and thought money could replace my presence so I used money to impress my woman since I won’t be around for them
Dude really knows how to get a girl interested – he has no time for his women, so he showers them with money. At least he knows he’s emotionally and physically unavailable. But then again, he’s looking to retire and is willing to relocate anywhere. That’s some real commitment, y’all.
Honestly, when I first began reading this email, I was hoping he was a Nigerian prince and I could sassily respond. But this dude is real. I looked up his Instagram. He’s surprisingly attractive, considering. Very daddy-esque. Unfortunately for him, attractiveness does not negate being an unsolicited creep.
As such, I figured I’d share with you one of my favorite internet memes. While it may not be the original creepy email, it’s definitely something.
This is the tale of Denko, her stalker, and his love of email. Originally appearing on 4chan in 2011, this five part story (of which I’m only going to include the initial, because it’s significantly long, but feel free to check out part 2, part 3, part 4, and the final chapter, part 5, its worth the read, honestly) might creep you the hell out or you might be extraordinarily entertained. Then again, you might get a little bit of both of those feelings, I sure do. It’s been seven years since the story of Denko appeared, but I’m still unsure if this dude is real, a troll, someone attempting an exercise in creative writing, or a straight up criminal. What do you think?
There’s this girl I’ve had feelings for since high school, and now we’re in college together. We’ll call her Denko.
Once we hit second year, we went out drinking, and I worked up the courage to exchange numbers.
We started out talking often, but she hasn’t answered me in three days now.
I’m getting depressed just thinking that Denko might be sick, or that something happened to her… (´･ω･`)
Please, somebody give me some advice.
SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU.
GIVE IT UP.
Maybe it’s ‘cause email’s a pain in the butt.
Well, I called her too in case she was sick or something happened… (´･ω･`)
Maybe this last email I sent did something to hurt Denko’s feelings? Give me your opinion here…
“Yahoo! Good weather today. You haven’t emailed me or called me, so I’m just sending this since I’m worried.
Did I do something bad? PS. The stars were pretty last night.”
Wh… This isn’t a thread about ramen, okay?!
I’m begging you, I need advice!
I haven’t slept for an entire day…
Just hypothetically, what would you think if you got an email like that from an ugly girl you don’t have any interest in?
Umm… Well, I wouldn’t like it.
But I’ve had my eye on Denko since high school, and…
I don’t know how to say it, but I think it might be mutual… (´･ω･`)
Pretty sure she hates you and is too shy to say it… ///
I’ll divine OP and his girl’s love from her birthday.
Post OP’s birthday too, if possible.
My birthday’s March 10th, Denko’s is September 7th…
To be perfectly honest, your emails sound incredibly shifty.
That’s why everyone is talking about ramen instead…
Sorry, I haven’t had much experience talking to girls… (´･ω･`)
So you got responses before?
What kind of emails are you sending?
It could be, you know, interesting…
At first, we just talked about how strange it was we only started emailing in college despite being in the same year of high school.
What I’m sending… well, I’m worried about her lack of reply, so I’ve sent her around 600 emails.
They’re mostly reports on my current mental state, I guess…? (´･ω･`)
Sending 600 emails out of worry from the lack of response… How spammy can you get…
Don’t make fun of me, okay!
I don’t have any friends, so you’re the only people I can ask about this!
600 emails and still no reply, so I’m really thinking something might have happened… (´･ω･`)
And I really don’t think they’re anything that would displease her. They’re like this:
“I’m drinking jasmine tea right now, thinking about what to have for dinner.”
Maybe they’re a bit too incidental?
And if you’re not? Give it up.
Knows he doesn’t have any friends.
Oozes human filth right down to his emoticons.
And sending 600 emails in three days is stalker-level creepy…
Alright, alright, maybe people think I’m creepy!
But even so, I’m really, honestly in love with this girl!
You understand, right? I’ll try not to be as creepy about it from now on!
So please, give me advice on how to get Denko to respond!
You seriously sent 600 emails in three days? lol
Well, I think it was only around 50 the first two days… (´･ω･`)
Why wouldn’t she respond if she wasn’t dumping you?
If something happened, maybe her power went out!
Try calling her up, it should at least get her attention.
All right, I’ll try calling her. But I’m awful at talking, so give me something to talk about.
I want to see what your conversations were like when you got replies.
Me: “What do you do for fun? What do you listen to? I like watching lots of movies and reading lots of books, I guess… (´･ω･`)”
Denko: “Umm, I dunno. You sure use a lot of emoticons, huh?”
That sort of thing.
LOL, wow did she cut things short…
Did it ever go on any longer than that?
Me: “Do girls do the thing where you turn socks inside-out to use them for a week?”
Denko: “No, that’s too dirty. I usually wash them after a day.”
Me: “Well, Denko’s socks can’t possibly be dirty! Unlike mine… (´･ω･`)”
Denko: “Do you really wear the same socks for a week?”
Me: “No, uh, I heard about it from a friend.”
I’M CALLING HER NOW
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, DENKO!!
OH GOD I WAS SO NERVOUS I PANICKED AND HUNG UP ON HER (´；ω；`)
The cherry blossoms! Invite her to go see the cherry blossoms, OP!!!
Okay, I’ll do that! I’m too tense to use the phone right now, so I’ll send her an email.
I’ve never been so nervous about talking to somebody aaaaaUUUUUGH (´･ω･`)
Oh for the love of… apologize for hanging up.
This’ll be your last chance.
Ohh… do you really want me to call her again?
I sent her an email saying I knew I shouldn’t have hung up, and my heart just wasn’t ready…
God damn, I’ve never seen such a revolting sack of crap.
I’ve got a good idea of why you can’t get Denko, or any friends period.
I’m guessing you’ve been bullied all your life?
I was bullied in grade school, but I’ve been fine since college.
(´･ω･`) ← This is starting to piss me off.
This should go down as one of the most terrifying incidents to occur on 2chan.
Here you go, OP.
1. What classes are you taking?
2. I’m bored -> Can we go see the cherry blossoms at night?
Oh! You must be popular, huh? (´･ω･`)
Okay, I’m going to try calling again with that.
My armpits are sweating real bad, though…
What is this, a romance board?
Are you willing to call this romance? lol
I had a stalker once too, but it’s even scarier to think he had the same thought processes as this guy.
600 emails? You gotta be trolling. Please tell me that’s a troll.
I TALKED WITH DENKO! And I invited her to see the cherry blossoms!
Apparently her schedule was packed at work, so she said some other time! Oh well, still good news!
Gotta buy some clothes now… (´･ω･`) Hurry hurry…
I accidentally told her about how I was sweating really bad, haha…
And she said she was sorry she was too busy to reply to my emails. (´･ω･`)
For now, I’m glad Denko is safe. I was worried what might happen since I’m so bad at talking to girls, but I guess I managed…
>She said some other time!
>She said some other time!
>She said some other time!
WHY ARE YOU GOING CLOTHES SHOPPING IF YOU GOT REJECTED
there is sUCH A THING AS BEING TOO OPTIMISTIC??
“Some other time” = “never talk to me again you creep”
Okay, she hates you, no doubt.
If this isn’t a troll, please, give this up now.
Are you guys trying to trick me since I don’t have much experience with girls?
I’m wondering when I should send another email… (´･ω･`)
What were your meetings with Denko like?
What made you fall for her?
Denko helped me out when I was being badly bullied in high school.
Denko’s smart and kind, so she was like everyone’s role model.
When I sat next to her in class, I often borrowed her notebooks and erasers and we became friends.
We made eye contact a lot in class, too… (´･ω･`)
That’s probably because you were the one looking, creep.
Absolutely despicable. After 600 emails, even if she DID like you before, you’ve ruined it.
I SENT 600 EMAILS BECAUSE THERE WAS A CHANCE SOMETHING HAPPENED AND I WAS WORRIED.
I’m telling the truth here, okay?
Anyway, a reply!! I’m kind of scared to read it, haha…
You’re hopeless. Find out her house and her workplace.
Girls love overbearing go-getter guys.
OP, do this if you can: Follow her to her work, her house, and her classes every day.
THAT’S JUST BEING A STALKER (´･ω･`)
I don’t want Denko to hate me… (´･ω･`)
>I don’t want Denko to hate me
>I don’t want Denko to hate me
>I don’t want Denko to hate me
I know I’D hate you.
Serious post here.
If you don’t get a reply after three times, stop.
If she’s making excuses about work and busyness, she really doesn’t like you.
She’s only not saying it because she thinks it would hurt you.
Denko getting 600 emails from a guy who isn’t even her boyfriend is no doubt going to scare her.
But she’s probably a nice girl if she isn’t admitting it.
There are people out there who just can’t be blunt.
So stop it, please.
Even from a boyfriend, 600 emails in three days is scary.
Giving girls small animals as presents makes them most happy. ^^
Stuff thirty hamsters in a box and send them to her house, and she’ll be so surprised she’ll fall for OP in a flash!
So yeah, I think a thirty-hamster present would be good. ^^
Girls love to get clothes. The price of the clothes and their attraction to you are directly proportional.
Oh geez, I don’t think I could afford that…
Anyway, we’re making plans for four of us to get together!
I’m so grateful! And so tense! Oh my god…
What clothes do you own?
Plain shirts I wore in high school, and some denim shorts my mom got at Yokado.
Also, I guess I wear sweatjackets a lot.
I wonder if I can get clothes in Harajuku? (´･ω･`)
OP’s a super cool guy.
His girl’s just shy.
It’s true love, man.
The contents of her reply:
I’m not really sure what to say, but sorry I was too busy to reply to your emails.
My schedule is probably too packed to see the cherry blossoms this year. *crying emoticon*
Oh, also, I saw your brother on TV again! [He’s a former actor]
My friend says she wants to go drinking with your brother, me, and you. What do you think?
I was wondering this whole time why Denko didn’t reject the OP, but now I think I know.
Looks like we’re going drinking tomorrow!
Gotta buy clothes now… (´･ω･`)
Would a suit and a necktie be safe?
Didn’t she say she was busy?
Don’t you find that weird that she’s suddenly good for tomorrow?
Well, she’s free in the evening, and cherry blossoms would be in the day, so it’s possible?
Do you think I should bring a present?
Tell me what would make girls happy… (´･ω･`)
No, no presents.
If you bring a present every time, Denko’ll just think OP’s her personal ATM.
Don’t do it, for the future of OP and Denko both.
I see… So not even a picture of a small animal? (´･ω･`)
Konaka’s open, so I’m gonna go buy a striped suit.
A picture? Don’t be silly…
Feeling the warmth of a little creature makes a woman’s heart tremble. Buy hamsters. Nothing but hamsters.
Then stuff them in a box, of course.
I went to email my brother about trying to be free tomorrow night, but he changed his address and number… (´･ω･`)
I’m asking my mom about it now.
OP, girls love sweet things too.
So once you’ve got your hamsters packed into a box, sprinkle the hamsters with about 10 kg of sugar until they’re hidden.
1. Girl opens box and can see nothing but sugar.
2. Hamster leaps out from sugar.
3. Girl is surprised! But hamsters are cute. Heart!
4. OP is so clever. Love! Heart.
Got it? Get to it, OP!
Reading this thread reminds me that there are people like this, and reassures me that I’m doing just fine.
Well, I emailed Denko saying I wasn’t able to get a hold of my brother.
Nothing to really report while I’m waiting for her reply… (´･ω･`)
ALSO YOU GUYS CALLING ME CREEPY AND HOPELESS ARE REALLY MAKING ME LOSE CONFIDENCE. (´･ω･`)
>implying you had confidence before
Still no reply, so I’m going to send another one.
Post 400 decides the title.
Actually, you’ll probably say something weird, so never mind. (´･ω･`)
You’re being a pest if you send more than three emails without a reply.
Also, you should learn how to have a proper conversation.
Stop trying to push yourself and listen to her more.
What should I ask? I’ve never talked with girls…
I don’t know what I should talk about… (´･ω･`)
You’ve got a completely wrong idea of what “listen” means.
“Listening” is not “questioning.”
What he was trying to say is that you shouldn’t talk about yourself, but listen to what she says.
Also, I said it before, but just be mature and wait if there’s no reply. Patience, man.
Well, I told Denko to email me when she has the time.
Also, I invited her to just have three of us go if my brother can’t come. (´･ω･`)
His brother is definitely looking like the real target here…
Reading all these responses again, I realize it’s like 70% abuse and 30% ramen…
I knew I was getting teased for not having any romantic experience, but I didn’t quite realize it was that bad…
It’s a bit of a shock… (´･ω･`)
Screw you guys. OP’s persistence should be COMMENDED.
Sending massive amounts of emails out of worry!
Buying clothes to improve his appearance!
And I say try even harder!
Send 1000 emails a day!
Girls love men who worry about them!
Oh! A serious reply at last! (´･ω･`)
Yes, I’ll try my hardest! Thanks for the uplifting comments!
I just emailed Denko about what kinds of clothes she likes men to wear.
Uh oh, I wonder if she’ll figure out I like her…
You really must be an aspie if you thought that was serious…
Oh, since you guys call me creepy and scary, I’m wondering if I should send an email asking if I’m scary… (´･ω･`)
Do people send emails like that?
I guess, maybe…
If you don’t at least ask, you might not be able to face each other.
Give it a shot.
I sent it. Can’t wait for the reply… (´･ω･`)
Let’s think about this sensibly.
If I heard an email alert going off several hundred times a day…
Yeah, I’d call the police.
Well, I’d be happy if I got that many emails from her… (´･ω･`)
Still no reply… What do I do?
I’m getting worried… (´･ω･`)
But everyone seems to say I should let her send emails to me and just reply to those.
It’s really irritating, though. What makes girls happy?
YOU NOT EMAILING HER WOULD BE GREAT
Hey! Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
If you’re all so experienced with love, maybe that’s why you don’t understand how I feel…
I got an email from Denko!
“Maybe a little scary…”
Only a little is okay, right?
I want to make sure there’s no misunderstanding… (´･ω･`)
If you want to clear up misunderstanding, send an email.
“Sorry to scare you. But don’t misunderstand. I just want to be friends, Denko.”
Keep sending emails like that.
You’ve already sent over 600, so just sending one at this point would make you look insincere.
So send at least twenty.
Even that might be too few.
I don’t know about sending repeatedly, so I’ll just send this once:
“Sorry to scare you. But don’t misunderstand. I just want to be friends, Denko.”
Whoa, man, think about it the other way around.
Say you’ve gotten 600 emails from Denko.
But all of a sudden, there’s just this one.
Wouldn’t you be uneasy?
If you don’t want to upset Denko, send more!
What exactly is scaring her, though?
I’m doing the best I can, but I don’t want to be called scary, not even “maybe a little” scary…
It’s really annoying me… (´･ω･`)
Even if she doesn’t want to say it, man you’re scary.
Yikes… Am I really that bad…? (´･ω･`)
It’s not like I want to punch people or kill people out of love for Denko, right?
Please, tell me something I can say to make her happy and not leave any misunderstandings.
How about the new teriyaki burger at McDonald’s?
Okay, thanks! I just asked “Do you know if the new teriyaki burger at McDonald’s is good?”
But if I can really clear up misunderstanding by emailing Denko stuff like that, then my mood might start to turn around…
So many people have called me scary that I feel traumatized…
But all right, I’ll be careful not to make any more aggressive emails.
Thanks for the advice!!
You guys are so experienced, haha…
I don’t think this has anything to do with experience…
Man, poor Denko.
Experienced or not, I can’t comprehend how you don’t get things that everyone should know.
I know where you’re coming from, unfortunately.
I’m kind of figuring the OP has played a lot of dating sims and such.
In those games, you need to take action for your bond to go up, but…
You can’t go into real life thinking it works that way…
Yes, you hit the bullseye.
I really have no clue how to handle three-dimensional women.
It’s so easy to confess in games, but so hard in three dimensions…
Now I know that all too well… (´･ω･`)
Actually… I’m starting to feel like it might be best for me to wholeheartedly confess to Denko.
Is that just me? (´･ω･`)
It’s best that this ends soon.
Do it and be done with it.
Geez, we told you not to be so forward…
But, maybe you should be more thoroughly crushed…
My hands are shaking at the idea of a confession email…
This might be a tough hurdle to overcome…
I’m trying to think about what to write, but other than “I love you,” I’m drawing a blank… (´･ω･`)
Subject: To Denko
Thinking on it now, our meeting was a cherry blossom blooming in high school.
And now, it’s spring again just the same.
Before I met you, Denko, I felt like I was in a cold winter.
But in the spring, you put a bud in my heart that would bloom into a great flower.
It’s been so long since we were in high school together, but my feelings are just the same as they were that spring.
You’ve helped me when I was bullied, haven’t you, Denko?
Back then, I thought, “Why does this girl not have the wings an angel should have?”
I suppose you must have left them in your mother’s stomach…
Even when we met eyes, I didn’t have the courage.
And we could never talk to each other.
But now, I’m different!
Denko, I know you may not want to marry me yet, but please, go out with me!
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME
Nothing can be done to improve it.
This is worse than the love letter I wrote in fifth grade.
I don’t even…
Well, I sent it. (´･ω･`)
Normally I’m very prudent, but today, with all of your encouragement, I’ve confessed.
If Denko and I start dating, I hope we can read this thread and laugh about it together… (´･ω･`)
Also, since I wanted to increase my chances, I added that no matter what happens, I won’t give up on her.
oh god holy geez what in the
Your chances at dating sit at ZERO!
I GOT AN EMAIL FROM DENKOOOOO!!
I’m too scared to open it dskald;ksa
I guess now I know why everyone said I was scary…
This is making me super tense…
I’ll go wash my face, then look at it calmly… (´･ω･`)
I think I might just have a heart attack…
Um, she said “sure”… (´･ω･`)
Is this okay? Really?
I’m so happy I could cry…
This is okay, right?
I’m so stunned, I need your opinion…
She followed it up with “Don’t email me anymore.”
What’s this? And here I thought I knew her feelings…
Maybe dating was too sudden?
It’s hard for me to tell what girls are trying to get at… (´･ω･`)
Is there someone else? Is this the fickle heart of a woman at work???
What’s the intent of this email? Someone interpret it… (´･ω･`)
Maybe “sure” was in reply to the McDonald’s teriyaki burger, so “don’t email me anymore” was in reply to the confession.
Which means you’re not dating.
^ I like this interpretation.
Well, let’s see..
“Your emails are freaking me out.
You’re an annoyance.
Please don’t send any more emails.”
…That seems about right.
If I’m understanding the situation right, I asked if we could date, and she replied selfishly to test me as a man? (´･ω･`)
But I mean, suddenly asking not to email her is REALLY selfish…
Maybe I should wait until her anger has settled?
Or should I try to calm her?
You’re not dating.
You asked “let’s date,” she replied “don’t email me anymore.”
Okay, I’ll call her, then.
Nope, guess she’s talking with someone… (´･ω･`)
I’ll wait a bit…
OBVIOUSLY SHE’S TELLING HER FRIENDS ABOUT HER NEW BOYFRIEND
^ You, sir, know the heart of a woman well.
No doubt she’s waiting for you to call.
Try calling back once every minute.
I’m redialing as fast as I can! (´･ω･`)
Once I get a hold of her, I’ll ask if she wants to go to McDonald’s to have the teriyaki burger, and ask why she’s mad. (´･ω･`)
Anything else I should talk to her about?
No good, she’s still talking… (´･ω･`)
I really feel like she’s mad at me all of a sudden…
I’ll keep calling until she comes on!
I’ll report once she does. (´･ω･`) Bye!
I’m really starting to read the “Help!” in the title as Denko’s screaming.
I can’t get a signal here… (´･ω･`)
Maybe she’s gotten wrapped up in some incident? What to do…
Maybe I’ll go to her house, but if we’re dating, then it’s not stalking, okay?! (´･ω･`)
I’m so lost…
Maybe she’s testing to see if I’d come to save her if something happened?
We’ve got a Sherlock Holmes on our hands.
Spoilers: Denko is wrapped up in an incident, all right. A stalking incident.
Make up your minds already! (´･ω･`)
Making me overthink this isn’t going to do any good…
I’m going to get ready so I can leave anytime…
Okay, okay! I’ll go!!
If she’s safe, then it’ll be fine! (´･ω･`)
It’s about 30 minutes to her house, so I’ll take my bicycle.
I’ll report back! Thanks for the advice!
I just got back, sorry for the late report… (´･ω･`)
I hurried to Denko’s house and rang the doorbell.
Then Denko’s mother came out and said Denko was out of the house.
I introduced myself to her and told her I was going out with Denko, so she said “If you want, you can wait and have some tea until Denko gets back.”
So then I waited for Denko at her house with her mom… (´･ω･`)
I spent about ten hours talking with Denko’s mother about Denko in high school and her personality and such, but she didn’t come home.
Denko’s mother called her cellphone a bunch of times, but she couldn’t get through.
Late at night, she told me “I’ll give you a call when Denko comes home,” and so I went home. Sorry for the long explanation. (´･ω･`)
Apparently Denko’s out having fun with a friend, so I’m relieved to hear she’s okay.
Also, Denko’s mother was just as nice as her, which surprised me.
I guess she takes after her mother… (´･ω･`)
So now I’m waiting for a call about Denko coming home.
It looks like Denko still isn’t back…
If the thread’s still here when she gets back, I’ll report in… (´･ω･`)
At this point, the thread hit capacity and was closed. Have no fear, the story continues, with four more parts. Continue reading with part 2, part 3, part 4, and the final chapter, part 5. Whether you’re significantly creeped out or merely just amused, the story of Denko is internet gold that stands the test of time.
Creeps are out there. They’re out there, and they creep hard.
Featured Image Via Redbubble.