Halloween is such a great season for scares, but what’s really scary is that a whole team approved these book covers for publication. I don’t know if these books are good, but I do know if I pulled any of them off a shelf they’d go right back there. Caution—they get increasingly stupid as you go down the list.
I’m So Scared… I guess…
Image via Too Much Horror Fiction
Is that a German shepherd? Even if it’s supposed to be a wolf, I’ve got some questions. Firstly, is this an entire book about a dog being evil or something? Putting aside the fact that ALL DOGS ARE GOOD, what can one dog actually effectively terrorize? A small colony of rabbits? Not to be dark, but hit that mangy upstart with your car and book over. I know I’m ignoring the elephant in the room, and sure, the doll’s at least broken, but I’m more alarmed by the fact that someone had a ceramic doll with a cheap weave. And are we sure the dog isn’t doing us a solid? That thing looks possessed.
Who is She?
Image via Spine Cracker
Not sure where to start. What’s that over the baby’s crib anyway? It’s not a mobile. Is it just a string of beads the size of oranges? Does being dead allow you to replace a bead with your head? It’s a specific power, but I guess I wouldn’t say no if someone offered it. Again, though, I’m ignoring the most mind blowing part. The tagline. I’m actually quaking, though I don’t think the fear of inconsistencies is the kind of terror they were going for. Listen. Listen to me. Look at that hair. Decadent? Decadent?!?! She doesn’t even have conditioner and they’re describing her as ‘so decadent?’ Seductive! I feel like there’s a lot to unpack, but I’m at a loss for words. Why is she balding?
Illustration is My Passion
Image via Horror Novel Review
They really did Stephen King like that. Stephen King! Say it with me. Respect. Genre. Fiction. What’s even going on here? The floating face is bad. I feel like someone needs to say that. His clothes are shredded, although maybe his jeans started distressed anyway. He’s not scratched up though! Whatever mauled him was like… panther attack, but make it fashion. I mean, it tells you nothing about the book, or at least, it doesn’t say anything to me, not having read it. But it goes further than that, and actively confuses me. What’s the threat? Witchcraft? Werewolves? He’s screaming but he hasn’t got so much as a scratch.
Wait a Second
Image via Good Show Sir
American Gothic, but like, a skeleton and also worse. But wait. What’s that there? Does the skeleton man… have a lobster claw? I’ve got to be honest, I’ve got no idea on this one. It’s like the Flying Dutchman, but in Michigan? I don’t know anything about lakes, but the internet says that they don’t have lobsters, so what, is this an oceanic curse that was like, you know what? I need to see the tulip festival. I now know about twice as much about Michigan as I used to. I still have no idea what’s going on. The barn has ghost crayfish? Something about that skull looks wrong, if I’m real.
Best Idea Ever
Image via Twitter
To be a fly on the wall in this pitch meeting. “Alright, hear me out: quicksand, but it’s sexy.” I mean the slime, the nudity, I’m not sure if they’re going to hang that guy or if he’s into it, and are those swamp monsters in the background? Skeletons? I just realized the naked woman has a sword. Is she beheading zombies in that getup? She’s like, sure this dress is see through, but if I’m going to effectively machete supernatural horrors, I need to be wearing LESS clothing. I feel like ‘sucking’ is also a little silly of a word if you want us to take this threat seriously. And what does it do? Follow you around trying to absorb you?
Featured Image via Wallpaper Access