Tag: Bella Swan

November 13, 2019

Five Effervescent Twilight Memes

Die hard fan or total casual, the Twilight meme renaissance is truly a gift to all of us. Whether you have thoughts on Stephanie Meyer’s connection to the fandom, Edward’s first reaction to Bella, or subverting the hate by listing things that are actually WORSE love stories than twilight, there’s a lot to like here. And this article contains the creme de la creme of all this hilarious nonsense.

You Can’t Just Ask People Why They Sparkle

Image via ScreenRant

Isn’t this… just cannon? Like, Edward Cullen is the kind of legend you could ask anyone about at that school. Sure, some of them might be like… he’s dating his step sister… but most of them would say stuff like this. And wasn’t he basically in a car commercial? Look how pretty this car is! Only a profoundly emotional vampire can slow this down! Honestly though, I don’t know why everyone isn’t more obsessed with Rosalie or Alice. They’re so mean and so nice respectively! There’s so much to unpack.

I Don’t FIND That Very Surprising

Image via CBR

Don’t panic if you don’t get this – that’s really the whole joke. Also, go watch A Very Potter Musical right this second. You will have ZERO regrets. Unlike Cedric. Ok, I’m done, but what house would Edward Cullen be in, do you think? Is there a consensus? Honestly though, Cedric Diggory didn’t distract me in Twilight. All that distracted me was Shark Boy. Does anyone else remember that movie? Did I dream it? Every time Jacob came on screen, all I could think was “I broke my fiiiin!” I can’t be alone. Please.

Because Reasons

Image via The Quaker Campus

I actually have a lot of question about Carlisle’s decisions, but I also read somewhere that he was only 23 when he died, and as someone who’s 23 currently, that explains a lot. Still, there were a few moments I questioned, and this is definitely one of them. I don’t really remember if we know how great Carlisle is at not killing people when this scene takes place, but either way, Edward seems like the WORST option. I mean? All he wants is to drain her dry? Is this even a romantic gesture? Also, according to Wikipedia, you can’t suck venom from a wound.

Effervescent

Image via BuzzFeed

God, I cannot even imagine how someone came up with this, or how it seems SO in character. Twilight was guilty of a certain amount of thesaurus abuse, certainly, but on a more fundamental level, Edward Cullen was such a total and absolute weirdo. How did we not see it before? Like, honestly, how did we not all read the first book and think… effervescent. Sure, he might not BE the most effervescent, but look at the snail on that mood board! What other word could you possibly use? Especially if you were both 17 and a hundred something.

Incredible Advice

Image via Twitter

I could never put my finger on the dangers in twilight, or their chronology. Do things escalate? Or just oscillate? Listen, I’m not hating – Buffy had the same problem. It’s hard to turn up the stakes when most of your characters are immortal. But like, after the threat of turning accidentally in the first book, it’s like, no! This time we might DIE! Look at all these things that can ACTUALLY kill us. Let’s flirt with them, just for funsies.

Featured image via Tumblr

September 4, 2019

Revisiting ‘New Moon’ Thirteen Years Later (It’s Still Bad)

This past weekend, I turned 21-years-old. To celebrate I forced several my closest friends to crowd into my apartment, watch me play Fire Emblem: Three Houses (Golden Deer gang squad up), and sit through the movies that I have spent the past year carefully selecting just for this occasion.

The favorite of the night? Twilight: New Moon.

And what turns thirteen-years-old on September 6th? Twilight: New Moon.

Image via Apple TV App

Time to party, folks.

Now, the movie adaptation of New Moon didn’t come out until November of 2009, but I’m not going to reread one of those cinderblock sized Twilight books just for a ‘heeheehaha’ gag article.

I did my time, and I ain’t going back in.

Speaking of my time, it was in middle school. Every November, a new Twilight movie would be released. And, baby, ‘obsessed’ wouldn’t even begin to describe my friends and I.

We had the neon clip-ins from Hot Topic, knee high converse with zippers down the back, and #TeamEdward shirts that were all black with glittery silver font.

I wasn’t emo. I was scene. So, obviously, Twilight appealed to me.

Some girls I probably would’ve gotten along with/Image via Cinelinx

And though it was a phase that took up about four years of my life, it was still a phase. I’ve seen the first film many times since said phase, college kids today enjoy reliving that vampire laden pre-pubescent nostalgia, but my memories of New Moon had all but faded away.

Until this weekend.

New Moon opens on Bella Swan’s 18th birthday. We learn through her Sylvia Plath poem of a nightmare that she is now officially one year older than the age Edward Cullen was when he was turned into a vampire, the age he will remain for the rest of his time on earth.

Technically, Edward is well over one hundred years old, but Bella worries that once her body ages past the point of Edward’s he won’t be attracted to her anymore. So, she has decided to alter her mortal life state for this guy she met in science class last year, and become a vampire.

Bella and Edward back in the good old days/Image via Twitter

Edward’s not into the idea. In fact, (after an incredibly awkward birthday at the Cullen’s) Edward dumps Bella’s dumb ass HARD.

He claims that his family is moving, because townsfolk are becoming suspicious of the lack of aging going on over in the Cullen house. Which, yeah, they probably would be.

Bella, however, sees through his very fair reasoning. She knows that Edward is just leaving to protect her from the greatest threat to her life. Him.

OOOOOOO deep.

Anyways, Edward leaves Forks and Bella sits in her room alone for, like, five months.

The iconic catatonic state scene/Image via Youtube

Eventually Bella’s father, Charlie, begs his daughter to end her melodramatic sobfest and go outside. And when she does, she realizes that she can conjure hallucinations of her lost love if she puts herself in dangerous situations.

So she puts herself in more dangerous situations, of course. One of such activities is cliff diving with her new rebound, Jacob.

However, Alice (Edward’s psychic sister) has a vision of Bella falling into the sea, and assumes the worst. She returns to Forks in order to check on Bella, and while the two are catching up Edward calls the Swan’s landline only for Jacob to pick up the phone.

Jacob then proceeds to tell Edward that Bella is f–king dead.

So Edward decides to go to Rome during what looks like a giant Handmaid’s Tale festival, walk his glittering naked body into the sunlight, revealing his vampire status. This is a crime that in the vampire world is punishable only by death, which is convenient because the vampire police headquarters is stationed right next door.

How anyone on God’s green earth is #TeamJacob is beyond me.

The festival that probably isn’t a real festival/Image via Italy Guides

Anyways, Bella and Alice fly to Rome via hard-cut, and rent a zippy Italian sports car (when in Rome, amiright ladies?) in order to reach Edward before he can pull a Romeo and off himself in the name of love. Take a shot every time I say ‘rome.’

It’s also worth noting that in the opening sequence of this film Bella wakes up with a copy of Romeo and Juliet in her bed, and the following scene shows Edward reciting a stanza of the famous Shakespeare play from memory. I just don’t want you to think that any of the allusions in New Moon are subtle or nuanced in any way. They aren’t. They beat you over the head with any and all references to outside works in order to prove that, yes, Stephanie Meyer has read a book before.

Moving on, Bella is running through this festival trying to save her ex-boyfriend. He’s stripping down, about to walk into the sunlight, and a child is watching him do it for whatever reason, when Bella is able to run in a stop him at the very last moment.

Then the rest of the film is plot set up for the next book in the series, and it’s all happily ever after or whatever.

What stuck out to me in these final moments of New Moon, are Edward’s incredibly pale nipples. I get what they were going for, but Jesus Christ. Edward shirtless looks like when they pulled E.T. out of that river, like a dehydrated used napkin.

The nipples in question/Image via Flickr

In retrospect, it was a choice.

Featured Image via Netflix

August 12, 2019

Liam and Miley Broke Up! Here’s 6 Books We Can Cry Into

Devastating news broke this weekend: Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus have separated. While the 29-year-old actor spends time with his brother, Thor, in Australia, Miley seems to be having the time of her life as she spends her days with blogger Kaitlynn Carter.

Image Via Metro

Their rocky on-again, off-again relationship seemed to get steady once the two got married, but now it seems they’ve split up for good. It’s a sad day indeed.

“You don’t understand what it’s like,” Liam told Daily Mail Australia when asked about the split. “I don’t want to talk about it, mate.”

Image Via MSN

Any breakup is bad, it leaves both parties plagued with questions of ‘What If’, and as we sit on the sidelines we can’t help but feel a little sorry for both actors. So while Hemsworth and Cyrus pick up the pieces, here are 6 books we can cry into.

6-Fault in Our Stars by John Green

Image Via Amazon

What might be John Green’s magnum opus, The Fault in Our Stars tells a beautiful love story about two young people who, against the odds, find love.

We have precious Hazel Crace Lancaster, a 16-year-old girl with thyroid cancer who falls in love with 17-year-old Augustus Waters, a cancer survivor who seems too good to be true. Is he all he seems to be, or will he breaks this young girl’s heart?

Image Via IMDB

The ultimate answer is ‘yes’ to both questions. August is all he seems to be and his love for Grace and her love for him shows that while life be cruel and give us a bad hand every once and a while, it can also be beautiful.

Want to cry your heart out? Or are you crying too many years already? Don’t worry! We have others picks and all you need to do is scroll down.

5-Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Image Via Amazon

You won’t cry tears when reading this novel. Well, you might, but they will be tears of joy. Tears at the hilarious depiction of manners gone overboard, tears at the idea that marriage is all you need, and tears when Elizabeth Bennet finally convinces her father the difference between superficial goodness and actual goodness.

Image Via The Imaginative Conservative.org

Elizabeth Bennet marries who she wants to in the end, and he, against the odds loves her back. It’s a story about how love finds a way and, if it’s not meant to be, it won’t happen.

I’m crying already.

Don’t like this old book? Is the writing style too strange and foreign to you? Well, our next pick might be far more inclined with your modern tastes.

4-Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

Image Via Amazon

Twilight. Read the first book, get addicted, read the other three. It’s a story about a hot and cold romance (like Liam and Miley) that ultimately leads to marriage.

You know what happens next? It’s so beautiful, so wonderful…

They stay together and have a beautiful child!

Image Via Dorkly

And you know what happens to Jacob, that wonderful werewolf who was in love with Bella but she wasn’t in love with him? It doesn’t in tragedy, no, it ends with him imprinted on her child, ultimately proving that even if you breakup with someone you still have a chance to take care of their child and be apart of their life.

Too sentimental? Well….

3-The Shining by Stephen King

Image Via Amazon

Now I know what you’re thinking: Why the Shining? Well, if you think the multiple breakups between Liam and Miley are bad, here’s a book that says ‘it could be worse’.

Now most of you have seen the film adaptation and I’m here to tell you the book is totally different. For one, Jack doesn’t go after his family with an ax, he goes after them with roque mallet!

Image Via Varagesale

Totally different.

Also instead of Jack trying to murder his wife and child and ultimately freezing to death, in the book he stops trying to kill his wife and child and instead scarifies himself by going after the ghosts which leads to him being simultaneously burnt and blown up!

Image Via the13thFloor

So if you think Liam and Miley’s breakup is the worst thing that could happen, well, we could have frozen/burned to death.

2-The Pisces by Melissa Broder

Image Via Refinery29

This book shows that even after a break-up, things can still be beautiful.

Meet Lucy. She and her boyfriend broke up nine years ago but she’s still picking the pieces. Nothing is going well. Tinder is filled with “douche bros” and the sea outside the Los Angeles home where she’s dog-sitting only shows her how lost and empty she is.

Image Via RedletterDays.co.uk

But then Lucy becomes entranced by an eerily attractive swimmer named Theo. He is a merman, and things only get weirder from there.

The Pisces is not only swimming with dark humor (standout lines include “As we kissed I imagined eating his tail with garlic butter and “the tail starts below the dick”), it proves that life, like the ocean, continues on and on even after the worst of tides.

1. THE PATH MADE CLEAR BY OPRAH WINFREY

Image Via Amazon

As we cry over this sudden and unexpected breakup, there will come a time when we have to say enough is enough. But we might need some help in admitting that, so maybe we should open up and cry into this inspiring self-help novel by Oprah Winfrey.

Image Via The Guardian

Here, our Book Club Queen details the journey toward making your life both successful and meaningful, no matter how many breakups you or the people you care about go through. With ten easy-to-read chapters, this book helps you get teaches you key lessons for you to create the best course for their life. But that’s not all! Filled with Oprah’s own personal stories, this book helps to remind you that life might just have more to offer than you know!

Need focus after this heart-shattering break-up? This book is the one for you!

Featured Image Via Mary Scibilia