The Seven Stages of Not Doing the Reading Assignment

Your English professor assigned you a book. You didn’t read it.   Gasp. I know, I’m sorry. I hope I haven’t shattered your conception of reality. I hope I haven’t robbed you of gravity itself. I hope you still have access to oxygen on planet Earth.   I’ve been on both sides of this because, like an idiot, I taught college English courses for a while. I know what it’s like to sit there, waiting to be called on, not having anything to say. I also know what it’s like to be the one doing the calling, and watching you struggle to find something …

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Kid smacking head against

Your English professor assigned you a book. You didn’t read it.

 

Gasp. I know, I’m sorry. I hope I haven’t shattered your conception of reality. I hope I haven’t robbed you of gravity itself. I hope you still have access to oxygen on planet Earth.

 

I’ve been on both sides of this because, like an idiot, I taught college English courses for a while. I know what it’s like to sit there, waiting to be called on, not having anything to say. I also know what it’s like to be the one doing the calling, and watching you struggle to find something to say.

 

If you relate at all, then your palms are probably sweating. You go through a wide array of emotions walking into your English class, not having done the required reading. Here are the Seven Stages of Not Having Done Your Reading Assignment.

 

1. Relief

 

Hooray, you’re off the hook for the night! Now you can watch an extra episode of HBO’s The Wire.

 

2. Relaxation

 

You’ve given yourself a night off. No need to think about your reading assignment, English class, or even the college in which you’re currently enrolled. Where are you, even? Do you exist? Maybe, maybe not, or maybe it was all a dream.

 

3. Bad Anxiety

 

You’ve woken up and class is in two hours. Did you have work you were supposed to do before you passed out last night? Yes, you did. Did you do it? No you did not, and now you have sixty pages of reading to do. Crap.

 

4. Camaraderie

 

The teacher has not yet arrived by the time you take your seat. You look at your peers, and see you’re all on the same page: Nobody has done the reading.

 

5. Acceptance

 

As the teacher walks in, you gulp. As does the rest of the class. You have no choice but to keep your chin up and do your best. That’s all you really can do in life: Your best.

 

6. Good Anxiety

 

The teacher goes around the room, one by one, asking each student about the reading. It’s one of those questions that you can’t fake even if you wanted to. But it’s okay, you operate well under pressure. “How old is Emma?” the teacher asks.

 

7. Regret

 

“Thirty-seven,” you say. The teacher responds by reminding the class that you have a 2,000 word essay on Emma due next week. Good luck faking the reading for that.

 

via GIPHY

 

Do the readings, English majors. Otherwise, you might as well get another degree or do something other than college.

 

Feature Image Via Getting Smart