Here’s the Weirdest, Most Disturbing Harry Potter Merch Online

by Krisdee Dishmon
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If you’ve spent any time in fandom spaces on the Internet, you’ll know how weird things can get. And you’ll also know this terrifying truth: things can always get weirder. These five pieces of Harry Potter merchandise might make you want to Ravenclaw your eyes out… or maybe you’ll want to throw in some galleons to have them as your own.

 

1. Underwear

 

Harry Potter themed underwear reading "Chamber of Secrets"

Image Via Amazon

 

Once the Internet figured out ‘Chamber of Secrets’ made a great euphemism for any number of orifices (okay, really two in particular) the onslaught began. And once people figured out you could slyther in said chamber… it was all over. Maybe this Harry Potter underwear will help you LITERALLY keep it in your pants. If you think this pun somehow isn’t sexy enough for your own personal needs, there’s always the underrated “whorecrux.” (But all jokes aside, you can buy that online as well.)

 

2. Cigarette case

 

Marauder's Map themed cigarette case

Image Via Amazon

 

It must be pretty stressful at Hogwarts knowing that your school is full of trolls, giant serpents, and honestly, some pretty rude teachers. Fortunately, the wiz-kids can kick back with some… cigarettes? While it’s true that the books were set in the 90s—before smoking was banned on international flights—it’s pretty unlikely that you’d be able to sneak a smoke at Hogwarts with all the paintings watching. This particular cigarette case features a Marauder’s Map interior, presumably to remind young witches and wizards that they’re Up To No Good. It’s the magical equivalent of the Surgeon General’s warning.

 

3. Dobby’s mounted head

 

Dobby's mounted head replica

Image Via Huffington Post

 

If reading about and then actually watching Dobby die wasn’t traumatizing enough, don’t worry! There’s plenty more where that came from. You too can now own a wall mount of Dobby’s presumably taxidermied head to remind you that life isn’t fair and death is inevitable.

 

4. Vibrating Nimbus 2000

 

A graphic describes how the toy broomstick was used as a sex toy

Image Via KickassFacts

 

One of the worst things about the vibrating Nimbus 2000 is that it wasn’t supposed to do the thing you’re obviously realizing it could do. The worst thing is that, unlike the other items on this list, it was official Harry Potter merchandise—and it was for kids. Mattel pulled the toy from shelves after a horrifying epiphany you can probably imagine for yourself. But you probably wouldn’t have imagined that Mattel only caught onto the truth when sex shops began selling the (adult) toy. To emphasize just how bad of a mistake this was, let’s take a look at some customer reviews:

 

Reviewers describe the vibrating Harry Potter broomstick

 

Another thrilled reviewer fails to recognize that the Harry Potter broomstick is a sex toy

 

Talk about Harry Potter and the Goblet of you’re fired. The product is still available on eBay.

 

5. Common-room scented candles

 

Bookstr-gryffindor-common-room-candle

Image Via Etsy

 

The candles were a sweet idea. They were a nice try. But let’s face it—the Gryffindor common room is full of sweaty middle-school boys. If it smells like anything, it’s socks and B.O… and, apparently, cigarettes. (Though, for the record, this candle does look like it smells much better than a dorm full of twelve-year-olds ever would.)

 

Image Via Whatculture.com