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8 Books You Should Definitely Not Get Your Valentine

It’s time again to start thinking about what your significant other wants in life. The answer? Books.


No, not these books.


1. Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk



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To be fair, I haven’t read this one, I’ve only read “Guts,” which you should not read at the following link: this link, don’t follow it. It involves a carrot and masturbation and holding your breath and, long story short, it almost made me puke in the middle of my college library. Can’t recommend getting the whole book for your valentine.


2. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis


American Psycho

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Murder, debauchery, and general Wall Street shenanigans. Probably best to avoid giving this to your significant other in case they see it as a “What I Aspire to Be” type thing.


3. The Stranger Beside Me by Ann Rule


the strnager beside me

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Crime reporter Ann Rule worked beside Ted Bundy for years on a crisis hotline. That’s what this book is about. See how that’s a problematic gift to give to your Valentine?


4. Critical Thinking Skills for Dummies by Martin Cohen


Critical Thinking Skills for Dummies

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You don’t need me to tell you this is a bad idea, right? All right, fine, give it a try. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


5. The Bible


Holy Bible

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No disrespect, it’s just kind of a loaded gift. If your Valentine is Christian, then they probably already have access to The Bible. If they aren’t Christian, then there’s really no reason you would be giving this to that person, which is why you shouldn’t give it to them because, haha, because it doesn’t make sense.


6. Modernist Bread by Nathan Myhrvold and Francisco Migoya


Modernist Bread

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It costs $523.35 on Amazon and it’s about bread. It’s not the first time I’ve said it and it won’t be the last: that is awesome. But it’s a steep money sink for something that’s kind of divisive. I mean what if you buy this for your Valentine and they don’t even—not even once—discuss the heating process of himbasha bread from Eritrea? What even is the point then.


7. A Separate Peace by John Knowles


Separate Peace

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Remember reading this in high school? I do because it’s the kind of sad you feel when your dog suddenly dies.


8. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess


A Clockwork Orange

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If your Valentine is not a droog, they probably aren’t going to dig this completely vicious nightmare of a novel that even the author regrets writing. Specifically, Burgess regrets the misinterpretation because of Stanley Kubrick’s film which appeared to “glorify sex and violence,” which, not to go on, but maybe it does. I don’t know. In any case, bad Valentine’s Day gift.


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