Celebrate George R. R. Martin's 71st birthday with four of the author's top-tweeted portraits from the past year.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to go to Hogwarts while the events of the seven books were taking place? Wonder no more. Emily McGovern has laid it all out in her brilliant comic series, My Life as a Background Slytherin (and Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor). Tag yourself I guess? Here are my faves.
I’m just saying, her objection DOES make sense. Now, maybe this was explained in a tweet or something, I don’t know, and I frankly don’t care. Most of England is south of London, and much of Wales, as well as all of Scotland and Northern Ireland. Do they take a boat, travel down to London, then travel all the way back north to Hogwarts like, three times a year? I have questions, I tell you. Why can’t your parents just drive you and make sure your entrance is super embarrassing? No. Gotta go to London, ride a train, ride in a carriage drawn by invisible death horses. Gotta keep it simple. Am I the only one who’s got this many thoughts on this?
Well, I’m not sure it’s courageous exactly, but you know if anyone was blatantly defying Umbridge for cigarettes or whatever wizard teenagers do, it would be the Gryffindors. They’re like, prohibition? Violence? Autocratic rule? Sounds like an opportunity for HIJINKS. They’re a strangely cheerful bunch. They really do make the best of Hogwarts and it’s nonsense. Painful death? Let’s check it out. Lethal forest? Sounds like good old slumber party fun. Ghosts? That’s a friend. Dangerous death match for children? Sounds like my kind of party. They might be courageous, or maybe they really just have no sense of danger whatsoever? Not judging, just saying.
These are determined people. Gotta make sure those plants are doing well. Still nice and angry. So obviously the willow was planted to protect the passage to the house in Hogsmeade where Lupin went when he transformed but actually like… think about that plan. We’ve got a werewolf student. Give him a potion to soothe him when he transforms? Maybe that’s not invented yet. Put him in a medical coma for a few days behind a screen in the hospital wing? Not extra enough. Just put him in a dungeon? The castle has plenty. No. He needs a secret tunnel, to a secret house, hidden behind a secret tree that beats up a ton of students. It’s foolproof.
Wizards have been persecuted in the past, so we need to make a safe place for magical children! We’ll put a giant snake dungeon, moving staircases, lots of trap doors for falling through, an evil forest with murder centaurs and spiders the size of mini vans, and let’s make ex-death eaters professors and also current death eaters, we’ll hire a werewolf and he’ll be the SAFEST one! We’ll have such beef children fight for centuries! Dementors on campus? Great idea! Child death match? Let’s do it! Dangerous time machine? She’s thirteen, she can handle it. Get locked out? Sleep in the hallway and DIE.
Featured image via My Life As A Background Slytherin
Guts, Telgemeier’s latest book from Scholastic Books, puts you in Telgemeier’s shoes as she works through her fears and anxieties. It tells the story of Raina and her mother getting a horrible case of food poisoning. Even though they get better, Raina starts feeling very anxious about getting food poisoning again. This fear gets worse and worse, interfering with her life at school and with friends, and ultimately Raina discovers ways to manage and work through her fears.
Given Telgemeier’s popularity among young readers, Guts has a one million copy initial print run for good reason. Each of her books has received widespread critical acclaim for how their nuanced and personal explorations of childhood fears and anxieties. Her graphic memoirs are credited as one the reasons young readers have begun reading comic books and graphic novels again. “She’s a true comics superstar who essentially created a brand new category of comics in the American market: middle-grade graphic memoir,” said Gene Luen Yang, another acclaimed graphic novelist.
A page from Raina Telgemeier’s latest memoir (Scholastic Graphix)
Telgemeier’s Smile was well-received by critics and readers alike when it first debuted in 2010. And each of her books since then have reached a wider and wider audience. Her largely autobiographical works are so accessible and emotionally resonant that there are 13.5 million copies of them in print.
While her memoirs certainly target a younger demographic, her candid look at how fear has affected her life is sure to resonate with anyone who knows the struggle of growing up and learning to navigate the weird, unpredictable world. And much like Smile, Telgemeier’s expects Guts to fly off the shelves. Ellie Berger, Executive Vice President and President, Trade Publishing at Scholastic Books said of Telgemeier’s appeal:
Raina’s readership is wide ranging in age and appeals to all genders. The books’ accessibility and relatability are at the core of what makes Raina’s stories so popular.
“It takes guts to face your fears,” Telgemeier says in the trailer for Guts.
Featured images via American Libraries Magazine and Amazon
And a movement it is. It’s such a movement that people not only plan to run to the base, but a documentary about the raid is ready to film and the U.S. Air Force has released an official warning telling visitors to stay away from Area 51.
With the event coming this September 20th, the world will be watching. To prepare, here are 5 and 1 books you have to read before you watch people try to run across miles of blazing hot desert just to get teargassed in the face!
BEHOLD here are the five books that make up the five IN AREA FIFTY-ONE
1-Area 51 (Image of Aviation) by Peter W Merlin
Image Via Dreamlandresort
Peter W Merlin is an aerospace historian who has been researching the history of Area 51 since 1984 and is a founding member of the X-Hunters Aerospace Archeology Team. His Amazon description reads: “He has appeared in documentary television programs for Discovery Channel, the History Channel, National Geographic, and others, including Modern Marvels, Mystery Hunters, Inside Area 51, Return to Area 51, Atomic Journeys, Area 51 Declassified, and The Truth Behind Area 51”.
Image Via Amazon
Published in 2011, this inexpensive coffee table picture book promises “declassified photographs [that] provide a rare glimpse into the true nature of America’s most famous secret base”. Inside its pages, the book focuses on the test flights and the development of the various planes inside Area 51, showcasing what the government wants us to see.
An interesting look-through, but it raises more questions than answers. However, sometimes the questions are more interesting than the answers, so don’t use this book as an excuse to Naruto run.
Don’t be these people | Image via Gyfcat
2-Mystery At Area 51 by Carole Marsh
Image Via Alchetron
A native of Atlanta, Georgia, Carole Marsh is a professional writer, photographer, and Founder/CEO of Gallopade International Inc as well as the founder and owner of Marsha Media. Thankfully, she’s taken time out of her busy schedule to bring us this April 1st, 2011 release. April 1st, I hear you cry, but let me assure you, hypothetical person, that this book is no joke!
This is Area 51…For kids! An educational book filled with history, geography, culture and cliffhanger chapters, this book will have the kids begging for more! And that’s a good thing because this mystery includes SAT words, educational facts, fun and humor, a scavenger hunt and activities.
But what’s the story? I hear you ask. Well, hypothetical person, let me tell it to you…
Image Via AMazon
Christina, Grant, Mimi, and Papa visit Papa’s good friend who lives on a cattle ranch in Nevada. Riding on the Mystery Girl, the group lands on a small airstrip near Area 51 and soon learn that the rancher and his wife have been losing their cattle. Can they solve the mystery of the missing cattle? Are these alien abductions? Is the government involved? Are they stealing cattle to feed to their alien overlords?
This book will keep you guessing so much you’ll have to run through it, instead of checking up on the run to Area 51.
3-The Entirety of the Area 51 Series by Bob Mayer
Image Via AudioBookBay
The King of Area 51, Bob Mayer has written twelve novels about it since 1997. He’s written other fiction, a lot of it in fact, but his Area 51 series is a series where you can pick one book, any book, and you can’t go wrong.
My personal favorites are Area 51: Excalibur, about how the mythical Excalibur has the power to unlock a galactic power beyond what anyone—human or alien—has ever seen and becomes the middle of a space race and Area 51: Nosferatu, about a halfbreed whose lived around since the time of the ancient Egyptians whose now out on a search for a piece of alien technology known as the Holy Grail.
Image Via Amazon
If you want to know where all this awesome-sauce starts in, this recipe of insanity began with Area 51, which is about in Area 51. More specifically it’s about how a team of scientists must fend off a greedy general who wants to activate an the interstellar drive from an alien motherhsip being housed in Area 51.
Things become even crazier when Dr. Hans Von Seeckt, an elderly ex-Nazi scientist and original member of the Area 51 research team, joins up with the president’s science adviser, Dr. Lisa Duncan, and Special Forces officer Mike Turcotte to tell the public the truth about Area 51.
Meanwhile, a brilliant archaeologist, Professor Nabinger, discovers a message on runes found in ancient Egypt that, you guessed it, connects to the aliens in Area 51.
I love this series.
4-Escape from Area 51: The X + Y Files by Wayne Kerr
Image Via Amazon
Wayne Kerr has been around. From Biggar, Saskatchewan, Canada, where he was born and raised, to spending twenty years living in the USA, he is now back in Canada at his wonderful home in the Okanagan region of British Columbia. A published author best known for his Black Swann Investigation series, Wayne Kerr now has a new goal: “to get more young people off the internet and into a good book“.
Thus we have the X + Y Files series, and I’m here to present you his book: Escape from Area 51.
Image Via Amazon
UFO obsessed Xander Bookman takes a trip near Area 51 when he starts hearing a voice from a creature calling itself I-pod. Is this an alien in desperate need of help to escape the most secure site on the planet?
Thus, Xander joins with his friend Yzzie on their most daring adventure yet: break into and escape Area 51 alive.
A science fiction novel mixed with adventure, mystery, and the paranormal, with a dash of fun, this novel is one for all ages, especially those who love the adventures of Mulder and Scully.
image via Giphy
5-Area 51: An Uncensored History of America’s Top Secret Military Base by Annie Jacobsen
Image Via Amazon
Released in 2011, this piece of investigative journalism is based on interviews with scientists and engineers who worked in Area 51 and, addressing any UFO-enthusiast’s dream, it speaks about the Roswell UFO incident and what went down.
Yes, that is Joseph Stalin | Image Via Daily Express
Sadly, it doesn’t confirm our beliefs about aliens but instead addresses the Roswell UFO incident and dismisses the alien story. Instead, it suggests that Joseph Stalin was inspired by the hysteria following Orson Welles’ 1938 radio drama War of the Worlds and wished to create the hysteria again by crashing a UFO into the United States.
He recruited Josef Mengele, The Angel of Death who was obsessed with twins during the Holocaust, was recruited by the Soviet leader Joseph Stalin to produce “grotesque, child-size aviators” to pilot a small aircraft and create the hysteria.
Image Via Conspiracies.net
But thing went wrong when the aircraft crashed and the incident was hushed up by Americans.
Jacobsen writes that the bodies found at the crash site were deformed children with large heads and abnormally shaped oversize eyes. “They were neither aliens nor consenting airmen, but human guinea pigs”, she claims.
That’s depressing. Maybe it’s completely wrong, seeing as all of Jacobsen’s sources are anonymous, but perhaps the truth isn’t as interesting as we think it is.
You never know what might be happening in there, but I have an idea that sensational writer Joshua Lark might or might not have given me.
AND BEHOLD THE ONE of AREA FIFTY-ONE
1-Anal Sex at Area 51 (Gay Paranormal Military Erotica) by Josh Lark
Image Via Amazon
What more can I say? There’s an extraterrestrial sex dungeon, a psychic spaceship and a room full of shapeshifting alien penises?
Image Via Twitter
Think Tony Stark has been in any of those rooms?
As Britain experiences another confusing chapter in the Brexit farce, David Cameron’s For the Record struggles to attract readers’ attention. Clocking in at an absolutely massive 752 pages, Cameron’s memoir promises a candid look at his time in parliament. It arrives in bookstores at a particularly inopportune moment in British politics, with Brexit dominating the news cycle for the past month or so. Preorder sales have been…less than stellar for For the Record.
Image via PA:Press Association
Cameron’s memoir languished low on the charts all of last week. In some sense, who can blame readers for not jumping at the opportunity shell out for such a hefty tome? The book was slated for publication last year, but Cameron’s publishers insisted on cutting nearly 100,000 words. But nearly 752 pages (even after the cut!) is quite the commitment for any reader. Still, for politics junkies, perhaps a book based on nearly 53 hours of recorded meetings Cameron held with Daniel Finkelstein (a conservative Times columnist) is well worth it.
HarperCollins, Cameron’s publisher, purchased to For the Record the rights for nearly £800,00, so the book’s lackluster preorder figures are causing quite a bit of stress for them. Now they’re relying on the former prime minister’s name to drive attention to the memoir. Though, given how events since 2016 have unfolded in the UK, perhaps the fact that Cameron’s name was on the book doomed it from the start. Comparisons made to Tony Blair’s memoir, A Journey: My Political Life, about his time as prime minister don’t bode well for Cameron either. Blair’s book broke sales record when it first hit shelves, but the initial preorder figures for For the Record have been abysmal, ranking as low as 335th last Thursday on Amazon charts.
Image via Yui Mok/PA
The memoir features Cameron’s opinions on Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, and the now-infamous 2016 European referendum that ultimately ended his tenure as Prime Minister. He suggests Johnson didn’t really believe in Brexit and merely supported it to further his political career without thinking it would ever succeed. Cameron’s inside perspective is interesting in light of the fact that Johnson currently finds himself at Downing Street in large part because of he championed the leave movement.
For The Record releases this Thursday, September 19. So help out ya boy Dave and pick up a copy. Please, he’s begging you, like actually.
Featured image via Alamy