The two are actually quite similar...

What If ‘Sweet Valley High’ Characters Were Cast in’ Game of Thrones’?

Article by Diana Frazao

Few towns can boast as much drama as Game of Thrones’ King’s Landing, but Sweet Valley, home of the epically shallow Sweet Valley High series is one of the few that can. The fictional Southern California town has seen back-stabbing, kidnapping, murder, and even vampires. ghostwriters behind the series were probably just a few books away from introducing dragons when the series ended. 

Couple all of that turmoil with some spoiled rich kids and a pair of stunning blond twins, and all of a sudden it’s easy to picture Sweet Valley High characters replacing the Game of Thrones crew. Let’s imagine some of these one-dimensional Southern Californians living it up in Westeros.

 

Elizabeth Wakefield as Daenerys Targaryen:

Image courtesy of Random House 

Liz and Dany and are both young, blonde, irresistible to men, and pretty darn annoying the more you read about them. Elizabeth loves to tell everyone in Sweet Valley how to study, socialize, and raise a family, so she would be more than happy to boss around the people of Essos. Studious Elizabeth would pick up Dothraki and Meereenese in no time, and maybe she could match her outfits with snazzy barrettes made from dragon egg shells.

 

Mr. Collins as Jorah Mormont:

Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/2p5XUPv. 

Who else would be advising and pining for Elizabeth/Dany other than English teacher and perpetual chaperone, Mr. Collins? Mr. Collins is always way too involved in students’ lives at Sweet Valley High, especially Elizabeth’s. Elizabeth seems to spend more time with him than with her own parents.  The only difference between him and Jorah is that Collins keeps his inappropriate love jones under wraps.

 

Lila Fowler as Cersei Lannister:

Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/2pYG0U5

Lila has a really rich dad. Cersei has a really rich dad. Lila has basically been preparing to be queen her whole life. She preserves her social status by only inviting the best and most beautiful to her parties at Fowler Crest (or sometimes she just invites every teen in town—the ghost writers weren’t very consistent), and she’ll snub her nose at anyone who may drag her down. Lila Fowler can slink right into the role of the conniving, petty ruler that Westeros doesn’t want or need.

 

Cara Walker as Sansa Stark:

Image courtesy of Random House

Early in the series, Cara was a frivolous snob. However, she matured when her parents split up. The residents of Sweet Valley would probably say seeing your parents get a divorce is about as bad as seeing your father beheaded, so Cara and Sansa share a similar story arc.

 

Steven Wakefield as Bran Stark:

 Image courtesy of Random House

Admit it, book readers: you cringed every time you got to a Bran chapter. Bran should come off as more interesting than he does, and so should Steven. Steven goes to college (how exotic!) and supposedly he’s really good-looking and awesome just like his twin sisters. But do fans ever say Steven is their favorite character? Does anyone list Bran as a favorite? No. Now, let’s move on.

 

Winston Egbert as Tyrion Lannister:

Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/2pFyNoA

Winston comes off as a nerdy jokester, a persona that doesn’t win many points in Westeros or Sweet Valley. Peers tend not to take Winston seriously, just like they don’t take Tyrion seriously. Winston has never served as hand to the king, but he was elected as the Sweet Valley equivalent: PTA representative. Unlike Tyrion, Winston doesn’t touch a drop of booze, but he’ll probably become a lush someday when he realizes what a fool he made of himself trying to get in with the popular kids.

 

Dana Larson as Arya Stark:

 

Image courtesy of Entertainment Weekly

Truly, no one in Sweet Valley is cool or gutsy enough to be Arya Stark, so “edgy” Dana Larson will have to do. She may not own a sword, but she wears her hair in an “outrageous” style (it usually looks like a mullet in the cover art) and plays in a rock band. Also, she wears stirrup pants, which are probably really practical when you’re hiding out from the crown.

 

Roger Barrett-Patman as Jon Snow:

Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/2qsmhMn.

Poor Roger—when he first appeared in the series, he worked as a janitor! Sweet Valley forces its undesirables to clean office buildings rather than sending them off to The Night’s Watch. Roger didn’t know who both of his parents were, either, but then he discovered that his father was Bruce Patman’s late uncle, Paul! With the Patmans being practically royalty in Sweet Valley, it’s all very R+L = J—if you buy into that theory.

 

Bruce Patman as Joffrey Baratheon:

 

Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/2qsTIhL.

Bruce is like a slightly older, slightly less evil version of the royal you love to hate. With his misogyny, arrogance, and general disregard for those less fortunate, he’d fit right in at King’s Landing. It’s surprising that Bruce never held a jousting tournament for his birthday.

 

Enid Rollins as Lysa Arryn:

 

Image courtesy of http://bit.ly/2pFU2qt.

The odds that Enid turns into a crazy lady when she grows up are excellent. Enid usually acted like she didn’t mind living in Elizabeth’s shadow, but it must have gotten to her eventually—just like Lysa was bothered by living in her sister, Catelyn’s, shadow. Sometimes you just don’t want to be the wind under some other broad’s wings anymore, so you end up turning into a reclusive harpy.

 

And, finally, Lois Waller as Fat Walda:

Image courtesy of Game of Thrones Wiki

Hey, did you know that Lois Waller is overweight? The Sweet Valley High writers may have mentioned it a few (hundred) times.   

 

 Featured image courtesy of PBS and SweetValleyHigh.Wikia.