We live in a world where gravity occasionally takes a coffee break, and robots may or may not be moonlighting as tax consultants. Lucky for all of us that there are survival guides for literally any scenario imaginable — no matter how ludicrous. From battling your clone to getting your kids ready for bed during the zombie apocalypse, these books promise to equip you with the essential skills needed to navigate all the utterly implausible things you might encounter in life.
The Origins of the Survival Guide Genre
Survival on the Trail: the GOAT of Guides
Survival guides for outrageous scenarios got its roots from survival guides written for pioneer’s and explorers in the 1800s. Westward-bound adventurers faced many life-and-death challenges as they tried to survive and thrive in the harsh environment. One of the earliest and most popular books for this was written in 1859, called The Prairie Traveler by Randolph B. Marcy. It was a comprehensive guide that educated pioneers on provisions, healthcare, reconnaissance, hunting, tracking, fieldcraft, and supplies.
Nowadays, survival guidebooks continue to be a popular presence on bookshelves. Their topics’ span across various scenarios like wilderness survival, disaster preparedness, teacher survival, and good ol’ end-of-the-world advice. At the same time, they are often used as a way of preserving ancient knowledge. The Field Guide to Wilderness Survival by Tom Brown Jr. is a good example of this. Even before survival guides became trendy and fun, militaries around the world have also relied on survival training manuals — such as the manual titled Air Force Regulations 64-4, which covers all types of search and rescue missions. Survival guides now also cater to any kind of scenario and all types of readers. No context is too bizarre, and we’ll be showing you five books to prove that.
Tropes, Plots, and Reader Experiences
What to Expect with the Unexpected
It doesn’t matter if the survival guidebook in question is fiction or nonfiction; there are going to be certain common tropes, no matter how uncommon the scenario. The authoritative narrator is usually an Expert Guide, ready to impart their knowledge to the reader. There’s the Countdown, where chapters emphasize time-sensitive tasks. Of course, you can always count on seeing the Macgyver — teaching readers resourcefulness with a how-to guide on making tools, finding food, and building a shelter.
Traditionally, most survival guidebooks follow only a handful of plots: wilderness and urban survival, apocalyptic scenarios, or extremely unlikely situations. Readers can usually count on practical tips and step-by-step instructions — always delivered in an engaging (and sometimes hilarious) way. And even in fake or unlikely scenarios, readers can expect the best books to use facts and realistic details in their chapters. Best of all, survival guides tend to empower readers by making them feel ready and prepared for anything. Some books take things a little further into the absurd, like in these next five recommended titles, but they still have all the trope elements — see if you can spot them!
How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They Will) by Chuck Sambuchino
A Delightful Tongue-in-Cheek Survival Guide for An Unexpected Threat
These twelve-inch-tall figures might look harmless, but they are a total menace. The evidence is there that the garden gnomes have escalated their aggression to home invasion, and now more than ever citizens need a comprehensive survival guide to prepare for and endure these imminent attacks. A Class 1 Gnome-Slayer himself, Chuck Sambuchino provides readers with all the instructions and strategies you need to gnome-proof your home — and if need be, confront and combat these creepy little guys at close range.
How to Defeat Your Own Clone: And Other Tips for Surviving the Biotech Revolution by Kyle Kurpinski & Terry D. Johnson
You CAN defeat the better version of yourself!
These two bioengineering subject matter experts are here to show us how to survive and thrive in the coming new age of strange science. The future of biotech is upon us. How to Defeat Your Own Clone: And Other Tips for Surviving the Biotech Revolution prepares you with advice on topics ranging from bio enhancements (they’re not just for cyborgs anymore!) to DNA sequencing on the internet — and, of course, the inevitable human cloning to make better, stronger, smarter versions of you. Using both funny and informative facts about genetics, cloning, fighting, and warfare, this survival book teaches you everything you need to know to outlast and defeat biologically enhanced clones. Surviving genetically enhanced super soldiers and genetic duplicates might seem like a lost cause, but all is not lost with this book in your possession… as long as your clone never reads it too!
How to Survive a Robot Uprising by Daniel H. Wilson
OK, so this one might not be totally fake.
This one is a toughie. On the one hand, a robot uprising is a highly unlikely scenario in our current reality. However, if anyone would know what is or is not possible for a robot uprising, it’s THIS guy, for sure. In addition to being a Bonafide Cherokee citizen, Daniel H. Wilson also has a PhD in Robotics and Artificial Intelligence from Carnegie Mellon University. He is famed for his bestselling novel Robopocalypse and for ghostwriting The Andromeda Evolution — the sequel to Michael Crichton’s Andromeda Strain — using an incomplete manuscript found by Crichton’s family after his death. So, if you can’t trust Daniel and his expertise on what an apocalypse would look like, who can you trust?
How to Survive a Robot Uprising teaches you how to spot a robot posing as a human, deactivate rogue servant bots, and stifle any robot mutinies. And let’s not forget all the useful survival skills you’ll need: treating laser wounds, fooling face and speech recognition, besting robot logic, and engaging in hand-to-pincer combat. Yes, I said pincer! Daniel includes a thorough overview of current real life robot prototypes in existence right now — giant walkers, insects, geckos, dogs, and snake-like bots — that he believes will be responsible for this doomsday scenario. After that shiver runs through your body, I ask you: is this fiction or nonfiction? You tell me!
Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse by James Breakwell
Being a parent in the apocalypse is hard!
Bills to pay. Chores to do. Kids to feed. Now, parenting just got even tougher with hordes of the undead to keep at bay. The other zombie survival guides are designed for young, fit, and annoyingly well-rested people with no children. Only Dead on the Inside is a guide meant for the rest of us. Comedian and father-of-four, James Breakwell brings together two totally unrelated genres by using real parenting advice mixed in with his zombie survival tips. With this manual, you can raise a happy and healthy family in a world overrun by the undead. And if you really work for it, you can be a first-rate zombie killing machine AND parent of year!
How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters by K. E. Flann
Trusted Survival Advice for Supernatural Beings Facing Human Threats
Fact: human attacks account for 100 percent of the premature deaths for witches, werewolves, swamp and forest monsters, cyborgs, and other supernatural individuals. In the past millennia, there has been a horrific increase in human attacks with indiscriminate victim selections. But you don’t have to feel helpless against the odds! Famous Professional Preternaturalist K. E. Flann is your friend and she’s here to help you.
Flann has written wonderfully organized chapters that provide critical information on how to survive this modern age, including:
· A Zombie’s Guide to Filling the Emptiness and Moving Forward
· First-Time Haunter’s Guide for Ghosts, Spirits, Poltergeists, Specters, and Wraiths
· Self-Training 101 for Werewolves: Sit, Don’t Speak, Stay Alive!
Stay ready for anything
No matter how weird!
As you can see, ridiculously fake scenarios offer a delightful twist on the survival guide genre. Yes, they stretch the boundaries of possibility and provide endless entertainment (and education). But next time you’re lost in the woods or facing your double, you’ll remember that reality is often stranger than fiction.
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