Ross Asdourian, Broken Bananah

NSFW: I Went to a Book Release About a Broken Penis. It Was Awesome.

There’s no easy way to say this: last night, I went to a book release party where the author recounts the tale of his broken penis. And it was incredible.

 

Here’s some context: Scott, the big boss, sent the editorial team a link about a book coming out, Broken Bananah: Life, Love, and Sex… Without a Penis by Ross Asdourian, certified hottie. Scott suggested we should cover it delicately, and I immediately bowed out because I’m not so delicate. Emily, one of our interns, pounced on it, did most of the research including finding out about the book release and planning an interview, but ultimately she was not able to attend as the venue is twenty-one and up. After Emily couldn’t go, I convinced Scott not to attend, because I flourish as a solo unit. 

 

 

Broken Bananah

 

I arrived at 7:45, because I wanted to be early but I also didn’t want to be a total creep. I ordered a vodka cranberry, because I’m not that big on liquor but also because the free punch was already gone. Ross was dressed in a solid yellow blazer, jeans, and a crisp white button down. Emily had told me earlier in the day that he was rocking a mustache, which was exciting, because I’m a sucker for a mustache, so I was disappointed when I arrived and his facial hair was not-so-Selleck.

 

 

This is pretty cool ? Book linked in da bio ? #brokenbananah

A post shared by Ross Asdourian (@ross_do) on

Schwing

Gif via PopKey

 

I introduced myself, we chatted, he signed my book. 

 

Hildog- WOOF! Please please please always wear that yellow coat. Love you long time. XX 

 

Ross slipped me a free banana keychain/flashlight because he liked my blazer. I’m pretty sure I winked at him as a thank you, because that’s the type of person I am. I chatted up the other photographer, Lucy, and this picture was taken, because I’m a ham and because duh.

 

Broken Bananah

Image via Lucy Helena

 

Once the extended happy hour subsided, we moved to the back room for the reading. Ross asked for a book, and I basically threw him mine with a “YO!” He read two chapters, hilarious chapters (the opening chapter, for context, and a second chapter, about the first time he masturbated post-healing), then took questions.

 

Broken Bananah

Image via Hilary Schuhmacher

 

I would describe the mood in the room as pained, but extraordinarily entertained.

 

Broken Bananah reactions

Image via Hilary Schuhmacher

 

Broken Bananah

Image via Hilary Schuhmacher

 

Shoutout to these girls, because the one on the right said something fucking hilarious and I unfortunately did not have my recorder close enough to capture the comedic gold. 

 

Standout questions include “Is the girl in here right now?”, “Did you have health insurance?” and my own question, “What was the porno video that you were watching when you came for the first time?”. So you’re aware: 

 

I don’t know if this is funny or not, so I’m just going to tell you the truth. There was one particular porn, it was a Fourth of July porn, and it was three women, and a very thin Mexican guy with a huge penis. The scene is he comes in, he’s pretending he’s on the phone ordering more alcohol for the party, and the girls are like, get off the phone! And he’s acting like he doesn’t care, like, ‘I gotta call you back, Bob!’. He actually doesn’t have sex with them, so they’re like, forget him! and go back inside and see this hot young thing, and start rubbing their boobs on him, and that’s where I finished. I actually didn’t get to the part where they had sex.

 

After the reading was over, we were back to socializing. A minimum of six of Ross’ friends introduced me to him, because “you should really meet this girl.” He promised me an interview, and then I made him wait while I socialized with his friends, asking them if there were any questions they wanted answers to on the record. Most of them were, to put this nicely, inappropriate. 

 

Broken Bananah

Image via Hilary Schuhmacher 

 

Worth noting, I started off this interview by saying, “I have a lot of questions, and they’re dumb as shit.” Emily would have been better at the interview, but Emily is not yet of legal drinking age.

 

HS: You mentioned you had to take a dick pic for your doctor, is there a copy of that in the book? If not, why not?

RA: No, because the book is descriptive enough without it.

 

HS: You mentioned a porn parody, what was it?

RA: Star Wars, Revenge of the Sith, I think?

 

HS: You described your time without release as “months of harvesting,” how long was that?

RA: Month and a half.

 

HS: Did you sleep in the wet spot? If you didn’t, why not and did you regret it?

RA: What? You don’t come in a puddle and then sleep in it!

HS: I agree, but one of your friends asked me very politely to ask you that question. 

RA: That’s fair.

 

HS: What do your parents think of the book?

RA: They like it. In the book itself, there’s a very honest account of family and family values, relationships and being in a time of need. Maternal relationships and why we are the way we are. It’s only weird because we make it weird.

 

HS: One of your friends, Lexi, said you’ve described it as “straighter now,” what was it before?

RA: Bent, upwards. I like my old dick better.

 

HS: What positions are you more cautious about now?

RA: Girl on top.

 

HS: Whose fault was it?

RA: Both of ours, takes two to tango.

 

HS: When was the last time you talked to her?

RA: A week ago.

 

HS: Is she still fuckin’ doggy?

RA: I hope so.

 

I hope so too, Ross. 

 

I haven’t yet finished the book, but I’m thoroughly entertained. Honestly, he had me at “broke my dick”. Overall, I would call the party a huge success. Friends and family were in attendance, the reading was packed, with people straining to see and gasping for breaths between laughs. Ross was charismatic, well-spoken, and can tell a hell of a story. I’m excited to see how the book turns out.

 

Buy your own copy here, and let us know what you think!

 

Featured Image Via Lucy Helena.