So this week’s Riverdale starts out pretty normally—high schoolers have goals that high schoolers cannot accomplish. Archie wants to turn the boxing gym into a community center! But, oh right—he’s a senior in high school. It’s a good thing that he has a rich girlfriend and a lawyer mother. But, he could never accept that! Spoiler alert—he does.
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In true Riverdale fashion, Veronica first insists that the hotties of Riverdale High host a car wash to try and fail to raise the funds themselves. After an inadequate ab-filled car wash montage (where Kevin’s shirt remains on to my dismay), Veronica’s inherited riches again become the only thing that can save the day.
Sadly, we bid adieu to Jughead as he officially becomes Forsythe in his new fancy school. Suddenly, something amazing happens… Moose comes back from the dead as Jughead’s roommate! He also can no longer use his street name and now goes by Marmaduke (which is obviously so much better), but no one at his new school knows about his saucy homosexual past, so Jughead must keep his mouth shut. Despite Moose’s attempts to suppress his sexuality, his reemergence in general gives me hope for a revival of the Moose and Kevin story line that was so sweet, but so shortly lived.
A new aristocrat, Sebastian from Glee type character, starts challenging Jughead—literary style. They face off in battles of metaphors and syntactic structure. Bret often forgets that Jughead is an actual former gang member, so maybe he should keep his battles to his stories.
In a backhanded way, Bret targets Moose to target Jughead by exposing Moose’s past. The one where Moose’s girlfriend gets murdered by the black hood and his father turns out to be the gargoyle king. So much for a new start! Prep school is so hard!
What’s going on with Betty, you may ask? Oh, nothing, she just has to negotiate with a psychotic, yet beautiful cult leader to try get her mom and sister back. Because, ya know, Betty can never catch a break.
Image via TVLine
After demanding a quarter of a million dollars, fake passports, among other things, teen heartthrob Edgar Evernever releases Polly from his clutches, but not before securing her to a ticking bomb, which Betty has to then defuse—causal everyday stuff.
Betty then attempts to storm the Farm, but gets knocked out by Evelyn (what was she expecting?). Luckily, Betty and her mother are skilled assassins so they escape their prisons and help the Farmies escape from a literal suicide mission as Edgar puts the finishing touches on his rocket.
Betty manages to get all the cult members out as Alice confronts Edgar in his nifty, all-white rocket suit finished with his name embroidered on the belt. Alice just had to sully his beautiful, one of a kind suit, by killing him. Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of polyester? At least Betty’s family members are finally safe… supposedly. Betty and Jughead’s storyline ends with a mysterious video showing up at Betty’s door. What could it be—home videos? The Goofy Movie on VHS? We have to wait until next week to find out.
We find out quickly that Veronica decides against changing her last name. That is until she learns that Hiram changed his whole name to set himself apart from his father. Then, to spite him, Veronica changes her mind AGAIN and changes her last name to her father’s former last name. Veronica Luna. Got a nice ring to it.
Okay…I love Choni as much as the next guy, but if I found out my girlfriend was hiding her dead twin brother in the basement of the home we share… I would also second guess my affections. Luckily, Toni is very understanding so everything will (probably) be fine.
No matter what the Riverdale rascals get into next week… we know they’ll be doing it in stylish DC Comics themed costumes, so that’s something to look forward to, at least.
Featured Image via Meaww