Ever wished your favorite characters could be part of your family? I’ve put together what I feel is a pretty accurate literary family tree. I have handpicked your cousin who makes you feel bad about yourself, your weird aunt, and your angsty brother among others. Take a look!
Mother: Sophie Fevvers (Nights at the Circus by Angela Carter)
A winged woman, half-human, half-swan, she traveled for years as part of a circus to places like Granada, St. Petersburg, and Siberia. Her adventures were documented in the novel by the journalist Jack Walser. She’s such a funny, interesting character and claims to have hatched from an egg. This does make your origins unclear. There’s a chance that, as her child, you, too, hatched from an egg. You may also have wings. Sorry, but that’s life.
Father: Mo (Inkheart by Cornelia Funke)
Mo: Everything is okay now. | Image Via Tumblr
Mo, by all counts, is a pretty swell guy. He’s a binder of books, a book doctor if you will. That must be where you get your love of books. He has a slight issue where, when he reads aloud, he reads characters out of the books, which has got him in loads of trouble in the past. However, now that it’s all over, he has his powers under control, and is no longer at the mercy of the fictional villains he accidentally read into the world. Don’t worry. No villains here. Everything is chill.
Brother: Harry Potter (The Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling)
Angsty and annoying. | Via Tenor
Yeah, he’s pretty angsty and sarcastic and often totally impossible to be around but he’s got some pretty cool stuff that you can steal. While he’s out playing Quidditch, throwing tantrums and saving the world, you can sneak into his room and pilfer the Invisibility Cloak, the Elder Wand, the Marauder’s Map, loads of money; you name it, he has it. And he trails around whining about not having any parents when your Mum and Dad are sitting right there? Spoiled brat. You’re well within your rights to steal his stuff.
Lucy: discoverer of other realms | Via Tenor
You’re getting two little sisters because sisters are the best and I couldn’t decide. You’ve got other-world-discovering Lucy, who you are to believe when she tells you about Narnia (don’t be an Edmund) and Scout Finch who knows loads about justice and being precocious. I feel they’d make a good team and balance each other out nicely. They play excellent pranks on Harry and get him really riled up. It’s hugely entertaining for everybody.
Scout: perpetuator of justice | Via Tenor
Weird Uncle: Hunter S. Thompson (Real life person but so bizarre and entrenched in the literary world that he may as well be fictional)
Hunter: never boring | Via PopKey
Always swearing, drinking and doing coke. Never invited over for holidays but comes anyway, high as a kite. Writes stories on napkins at the dinner table. Periodically shoots expensive ornaments off the mantelpiece. Sometimes brings his pet peacock. Plays weird pranks. Your little sisters are scared of him because he’s an even better prankster than they are and they don’t like that.
Has made various family members cry on more than one occasion but always gives you loads of money when you tell him it’s your birthday and doesn’t remember that you told him it was your birthday and he gave you a hundred dollars last month too. Bonus: wears cool shirts.
Aunt: Jo March (Little Women by Louisa May Alcott)
Jo: great fun altogether | Via Sparknotes
Okay, so this also implies you have a number of other aunts, as Jo is famously one of the five March sisters, but we’re focusing on Joe as she is the most interesting. She’s a rebellious writer who fights to get her stories published despite being dismissed by many magazines due to being female. She once sold her hair to get money for the family and she set up a school that doesn’t discriminate against anyone based on race or gender.
You love when she comes to visit because she always brings you cool books and tells you about her adventures, and her nice German husband is pretty chill too. Sometimes they waltz, which would be embarrassing if it were anyone else. But they pull it off.
Grandmother: Old Jiko (A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki)
Old Jiko: a chill gal | Image Via Ruth Ozeki
Old Jiko is the feminist Buddhist nun great-grandmother of protagonist Nao in Ruth Ozeki’s Man Booker-shortlisted novel. Old Jiko wrote feminist essays, named her children after famous Japanese rebels, and then later became a Buddhist nun, living in a remote temple. She is wise and empathetic and you love visiting her. She wields great power within herself and teaches you to do so as well. She is also hilarious and somewhat mischievous and loves chocolate.
Grandfather: Grandpa Joe (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl)
Grandpa Joe: Must be kept an eye on | Via Buzzfeed
Grandpa Joe can only be coaxed out of bed with the promise of chocolate, but once he’s up, he’s all go; the life and soul of the party, a demon for the fizzy lifting drinks, so you have to keep an eye on him. He’s lots of fun, though. You’re probably his favorite grandchild, although he has a soft spot for Scout and Lucy, and always sneaks them chocolate.
Cousin who makes you feel bad about yourself: Elizabeth Bennet (Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen)
Lizzie: Ugh, just leave me alone | Via Tenor
She’s blatantly your aunt and uncle Bennet’s favorite child, she’s married to a rich dude, they have a massive house, she’s serene and sensible and smart. She looks suspiciously like Keira Knightley. You hate when she and Fitzwilliam come to dinner because they arrive in a horse-drawn carriage and make everybody look bad.
Lizzy amuses your parents with her wit and then plays charming ditties on the piano forte, while her drop dead gorgeous husband broods on the sofa, refusing to engage with anyone. By rights you all should hate him, but really you’re tripping over yourselves to win his approval, but Elizabeth is the only one who has it. Because of course she does. Nightmare. Even Lucy and Scout can sense her perfection and hide under the dinner table, plotting how best to bring her down.
Cousin who makes you feel good about yourself: Dorian Gray (The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde)
Dorian: At least you’re not him | Via Tumblr
Dorian, your debauched, opium-loving, vaguely aristocratic cousin, rotting from the inside out. No one’s heard from him in months. You’re pretty sure he’s made some sort of deal with the devil. He smells weird, and you suspect he may commit crimes but you’re not too sure what they are. Your parents are happy you stayed in school and did the bare minimum, compared to him. Whenever you do see him, you smile to yourself and think smugly, ‘Well, at least I’m not Dorian.’
Featured Image Via Design Mom