We all have at least one friend who is always complaining about how much we read. Some people have to deal with their entire group of friends shaming them for reading and not socializing. “You are missing out” they say, “you care more about your books than you do about us!” They may not be totally wrong, but I always feel like it’s them who are missing out because they don’t read.
In honor of sticking it to those few people that just can’t understand why somebody would value reading over going to the bar, here are some slick insults to slide their way.
1. “I don’t give a damn”
Sometimes your friends will try and hype up their plans to convince you to come. They may say things like “it’s ladies night!” or “bro, the bar has 2 for 1 beers tonight!” If you aren’t interested, simply look up from your book and say, “frankly my dear, I just don’t give a damn.”
2. “You’re an anachronism”
Your friend may try to reason with you. They may say things like, “nobody reads anymore” and “books are for children.” What your well-intentioned friend may not realize is that books are on the rise. Books are constantly being turned into movies, which is creating a massive amount of interest around books and graphic novels. My personal favorite way to deliver this line is to yell it as loud as possible, “You’re an anachronism!”
3. “Do you even read, bro?”
One of my favorite things in the world is meeting somebody who has read the same book I have. Instantly a deep conversation begins to take place. A non-bookish friend may suggest you talk about something else for a while. Give them a subtle glare over your shoulder and say, “Do you even read, bro?!”
4. “Movies wouldn’t exist without books”
One of the most frustrating conversations is the book vs. movie argument. What people don’t realize is that without the book the movie would have never existed in the first place! Every superhero movie, and almost every movie to come out in the 21st Century has been based on a book one way or another. Heck, even a script for an original movie can be considered a book. So before somebody tries to argue that the movie is better, remind them that books are what created the movies they love in the first place!
5. “Your vocabulary is shallow”
Your friend may insist that reading is a waste of time. So don’t just tell them that it isn’t, show them. Comment on their inability to properly determine the intellectual benefits resulting from constant and consistent intake of varied, diverse, and philosphically interesting literary concepts. That should keep them quiet for a while.
6. Use an insult from literature
This is a praticularly awesome way to diss a non-reader. Take one of your favorite insults from literature and use it on your non-reading friend. One of my favorites is from Matilda. Use it at your pleasure: “You blithering idiot! … You festering gumboil! You fleabitten fungus! … You bursting blister! You moth-eaten maggot!”
7. Give them a taste of their own medicine
If your friend is clever, they may try to indirectly convince you to stop reading. A sneaky line goes like this, “if you keep reading like this you’re going to go blind by the end of the year.” This is tough because reading is definitely not good for your eyes. Just remind them how much time they spend looking at their phone or computer, that should shut down their sly attempt to stop you from reading.
8. The Void
There are those very few friends that really won’t let up. They just keep coming at you with constant complaints about your reading. If you are ever backed into a corner, you can play this card that almost always works. Refer to the titans of existentialism and inform your friend of the meaningless and futility of life. Not only will this shut them up, it will give them something to think about for quite some time.
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