Elizabeth Bennet Pride and Prejudice

How 5 Literary Characters Would Respond to This Series of Shitty Texts From My Ex

I’m a little distracted today and here’s why. The dude that broke my heart about a year and a half ago is trying to come out of the woodwork and back into my life, so I pitched this article so I could try to wrap my head around what I was going to say to him. I’m not actually going to include that, but I will say that it was 567 words.

 

So without further ado, here’s how five literary characters would respond to this series of shitty texts from my ex. 

 

Text from my Ex

Image via my own texts, which just sucks in general. Side note, GO ASTROS!!

 

1. Holden Caulfield from J.D Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye

 

Listen, shitstain. You broke me and I’d like to break your face. Get lost and eat shit.

 

2. Elizabeth Bennet from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice

 

You are too hasty, Sir. You forget that you have damaged me most unrectifiably. Please save your breath and accept my thanks for the compliment you have paid me, but I must reject your advances due to the grievous bodily harm I often daydream of applying to your general demeanor.

 

3. The Cat in the Hat from The Cat in the Hat

 

I appreciate the apology,
the attempt to wipe the slate.
But come on, dude. At this point,
it’s definitely too little too late.

 

4. The Whale from Moby Dick

 

Dude, if I was the whale I’d just swallow that loser whole.

 

5. The BFG from Roald Dahl’s The BFG

 

Good morning, you sneaky scuttlesloozer. You is once again trying to charm I. Don’t do it! This is a serious and snitching subject! I am warning you not ever to whiffle about I’s feelings again or you will be coming to a yikesy-slicey end. 

 

Featured Image Via Puritan Observer.