The Lyttle Lytton contest, if you’re so unfortunate as to be in the dark about this incredible competition, celebrates the worst opening sentences. Specifically, it encourages people to write and enter the worst first sentence of an imaginary novel that they possibly can, in twenty-five words or less, ideally.
Without further ado, here are the top ten entries, starting with the winner, Cole Borsch, and his runner up, Neil Martin!
1. Cole Borsch’s unfortunate vampire fantasy:
As I felt the vampire sexily drinking the blood from my neck, the warmth between my legs grew both in wetness and in fear for my life.
2. Neil Martin’s opening line seems… personal:
The girl with the vegan pork regarded me with eyes more kind than the nonviolence on her plate.
3. @TheScotsman, 2017.1127, as quoted by Alyssa Alcorn:
Meghan Markle could not wait to say yes to Prince Harry when he proposed during a cosy night in over a roast chicken.
4. Dylan’s disaster:
Eric‑san had only one goal in life: make Kimiko‑chan his waifu‑chan.
5. Benjamin Smith’s love for Ye Olde English:
“Thou must bewarest of woman, little Abu,” quoth wisely the Master. “For while her eyes holdeth the sweetness of a hundred dates, her lips holdeth the sting of a thousand scorpions.”
6. Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “The Outrageous Okona” shooting script, as adapted by Harper Cole:
Commander B. G. Robinson is very feminine and graciously endowed: everything she has two of are perfectly matched, coordinated, and move with a wonderful grace that is called “woman.”
7. Sam Kabo Ashwell’s honestly, incredible opening line:
Let me tell you about Sally. Her tits were good.
8. Katherine Morayati’s love of Amazon:
She walked in with a dress the paralyzing green of the BlackWidow Ultimate Stealth 2014 Edition Elite Mechanical Gaming Keyboard by Razer (4.5 stars, 37 customer reviews).
9.12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson, quoted anonymously:
Our eyes are always pointing at things we are interested in approaching, or investigating, or looking at, or having.
10. Holly McEwen’s take on the modern woman:
I had always been the kind of woman to put my career first, but as I prepared to abandon my crying children to go to work for the hundredth time, a thought struck me—“Was this His plan for me?”
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