In a world obsessed with the latest health trend, some shoppers got more than they bargained for inside their morning caffeine fix. The FDA has issued a recall for Celsius, a low-sugar energy drink, after discovering that some cases were mistakenly switched with High Noon vodka seltzer. Shoppers are waking up, reaching for a healthy jolt of Celsius to start their day, only to catch a buzz worthy of Ernest Hemingway. “I haven’t felt this alive since the Pumpkin Spice Latte Shortage,” one shaken citizen reports. Welcome to the new frontier, where accidental hangovers are the new normal.
In its report, the packaging supplier — soon to be a cautionary tale — accidentally shipped a case of Celsius cans to the High Noon factory. The cans, sporting the familiar Celsius branding but with a telltale silver lid, were then filled with vodka seltzer. Shortly thereafter, they were shipped across the United States and sold as part of High Noon’s Beach packs, just in time for Lollapalooza attendees to smuggle in their vodka seltzer unnoticed.
No illnesses or accidental hangxiety are being reported, but eyewitness reports a range of feelings from “slightly wired” to “I definitely just tried to hug a fire hydrant.” We reached out to beverage industry analysts, who said, “We all just need to chill and read some wild books.” Doctors, grocers, and one man in a banana costume unanimously agreed that consumers reeling from this crisis should immerse themselves in the only cure strong enough: face-melting literature.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream by Hunter S. Thompson
A fever dream road trip fueled by substances that definitely weren’t meant for breakfast, or energy drinks for that matter. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is what happens when your reality check bounces, sending you on a pharmaceutical safari in the wastes of Las Vegas. On a quest for the American Dream, Duke and Gonzo find themselves in a series of bizarre hallucinogenic experiences. If your accidental vodka seltzer left you questioning if the slot machines are blinking “HELP ME,” this is your literary guide.
The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe
Join Ken Kesey and his band of psychedelic pioneers as they spike their bus — and maybe their Kool-Aid — searching for cosmic truth. As the Merry Pranksters travel across the country, their growing popularity provides them opportunities to meet people such as the Grateful Dead. For anyone who mistakes a bad beverage for a transcendental sign, this book will remind you that things can always get weirder.
On the Road by Jack Kerouac
The original roadmap for those who head out on an adventure without checking the label or the speed limit. Capturing the soul of its generation, this beatnik odyssey follows Kerouac and Neal Cassady as they travel across the United States. Find yourself in a story of spontaneity that might help you forget that you’re halfway into a can that turned out to be vodka.
Jesus’ Son by Denis Johnson
Dive into these short stories about hallucination and heartbreak for another taste of ending up somewhere that you didn’t anticipate. Walking through the eyes of a person with addiction, readers are taken on a journey of ups and downs in stories full of grit. Jesus’ Son can be a literary meme for readers who wanted a pick-me-up and got a put-me-down instead.
Another Roadside Attraction by Tom Robbins
If you think a seltzer mix-up is weird, wait until you see what Robbins does with the corpse of Jesus and a bunch of honeybees. Set in the Pacific Northwest, a young couple runs a roadside zoo, encountering a diverse array of characters with wacky personalities. If your seltzer can contains more spiritual questioning than advertised, you can relate to Another Roadside Attraction.
Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs
In this ultra-surreal fever dream, Naked Lunch is best enjoyed with confusion and a lime wedge. The disjoined style of Burroughs follows William Lee’s involvement in drug and queer culture, which causes him to flee across North America to avoid going to jail. Approach with the same caution you would now have for mystery-labeled refreshments.
So if you find that your usual morning energy is turning into an accidental happy hour that has you planning out your memoir, take a breath and try to resist the urge to hug any inanimate objects. Instead, hydrate and sit down with one of these remarkably eccentric books.
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