5 Literary Dudes I’d Like to Trick into Dating Me This Holiday Season

There’s no good way to say this: as November comes to a close and winter beefs up, all the hot singles near you are looking for a warm body to curl up next to, especially if their apartment doesn’t have central A/C. So in honor of it officially being cuffing season, here are five dudes of lit I’d like to tangle up with the ol’ ball and chain. So without further ado,


1. Neville Longbottom, from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling


I’m about to mix some metaphors, but bear with me. If the Harry Potter world was the real world, Harry would be the starting quarterback who gets all the trophies, the glory, the fame, the fortune, and the groupies. Harry would also lose his hair by twenty-six, be terribly accident prone, and constantly be followed by people lurking in the shadows. Neville, on the other hand, is that sensitive, artsy boy who found puberty the summer between junior and senior year, grew a foot and a half and got smoking hot. Harry’s the John Lennon, the snarky, sulky, self-absorbed one while Neville’s the George Harrison, putting in the work and the time on the sidelines. Plus, Matthew Lewis is a total slice.


Matthew Lewis

Image via Matthew Lewis


2. John Watson, from the Sherlock Holmes stories by Arthur Conan Doyle


Does anyone actually want to date Sherlock Holmes? Seriously, anyone?


Gimme a dude like Watson. Watson is the sensible, thoughtful, educated, and life-experienced counterpart to Holmes’ assholery disguised as genius. He’s the rock that keeps Sherlock grounded, and really, isn’t that what we’re all looking for at the end of the day? Also, Martin Freeman.


I’m sorry this gif is so huge, but let’s all be honest here, giphy is really difficult to work with.
Gif via Giphy


3. Samwise Gamgee, from the Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien


Samwise Gamgee is the absolute definition of ride or die. Despite stopping to declare at minute 44 of 726 (extended edition trilogy runtime) that that was the farthest he had been from home – 



Sam not only went way farther than he ever dreamed, but he literally carried his best friend up a volcano to destroy a magic ring which he doesn’t even get credit for. Sam deserves the world and I’d like to give it to him.


4. Cinna, from The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins


Cinna is an incredible stylist, aesthetically perfect, and a major part of an underground resistance set on overthrowing a corrupt dystopian regime, and he does it all in gold eyeliner. Cinna made Katniss. Without him, Katniss would’ve just been another girl in bad clothes killed on TV. Yikes.


Lenny Kravitz

Is this article just an excuse to post this photo of Lenny Kravitz? The world may never know.
Image via AJ Supreme


And here’s where I realize that I was unknowingly picking characters that also have a smoke show on-screen counterpart, but here’s also where I realize that I played myself.


5. Gregor Samsa, from The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka


I’m not gunna lie, I always get The Metamorphosis and The Fly confused, but to be fair, they’re very similar concepts.


Jeff Goldblum in The Fly

Image is from THE FLY, not THE METAMORPHOSIS via Hero Wiki


Sure, Gregor Samsa’s life sucks. He’s a traveling salesmen who gets turned into a cockroach. He’s got the shit end of the life stick, and if he’s not careful someone might try to squash him with that stick because he’s literally a cockroach. Despite, he loves his family, cares for them, and dreams of sending his sister to a music conservatory. He’s looking out for his own, that is, until he dies just like he lived, gruesomely. It’s the American Dream.


Featured Image Via The Hunger Games Wikia (Cinna), The Leaky Cauldron (Neville), Ars Technica (Sam), BBC (Watson), photoshopped by yours truly.