rod swanson

15 Awkward Lines From Fifty Shades That Made Us…Uncomfortable

With over 350 million copies sold, The Fifty Shades trilogy, and it’s counterpart Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey, have become one of the best-selling series ever published. The series catapulted the career of author E.L. James and has become an icon for its open depictions of sex and BDSM.


The series has been panned by critics since the first installment was published. The Telegraph wrote, “Fifty Shades of Grey makes Twilight look like War and Peace.”


The Huffington Post wrote, “From its glaring similarities to Twilight (Fifty Shades of Grey is an unauthorized re-imagining of Stephenie Meyer’s bestselling series), the depictions of unrealistic BDSM practices and the often-cringeworthy prose, there’s a lot to critique.”


Personally, the series wasn’t for me. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t the portrayals of BDSM that I felt uncomfortable with. It was, in my opinion, the poor writing.


I could try to describe the discomfort that results from reading the bizarre and repetitive language penned by E.L. James, but what could be more effective than discovering it firsthand?


Here are fifteen lines from Fifty Shades that just left me feeling awkward.


1. “He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez.”


2. “I eye Christian’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm…”


3. “An image of her shackled to my bench, peeled gingerroot inserted in her ass so she can’t clench her buttocks, comes to mind.”





4. “Much as I’d like to, I’m not going to f–k her in the restroom at IHOP.”


5. “I’m all deer/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake – and he knows exactly what he’s doing to me.”


6. “Don’t you like the butt drawer?”





7. “He steps out of his Converse shoes and reaches down and takes his socks off individually. Christian Grey’s feet – wow – what is it about naked feet?”


8. “His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel….or something.”


9. “Argh! I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deep inside me as he rips through my virginity.” 





10. “He’s my very own Christian Grey Popsicle.”


11. “I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the meringue with some salsa moves.”


12. “My stomach somersaults – he wants me…in a weird way, true, but this beautiful, strange, kinky man wants me.”





13. “Jeez, he looks so freaking hot. My subconscious is frantically fanning herself, and my inner goddess is swaying and writhing to some primal carnal rhythm.”


14. “He has a hotline to my groin.”


15. “I flush, and my inner goddess grabs a rose between her teeth and starts to tango.”







Feature Image Via Smash